Quiznos Torpedo Thing

So, Quiznos has this new sandwich thing called the Toasty Torpedo. In the commercial, it comes in its own Toasy Torpedo bag. In real life, it comes wrapped in disappointment. And sincec it's so long it kind of bends in the plastic bag when you get it to go. And no, the oven doesn't try to come on to you when you order it.

What Quiznos is trying to do is compete with Subway's $5 Foot Long promotion with a $4 longer-than-a-foot-sub thing. How do they do it? With a breadstick, of course. Yeah, the Toasty Torpedo thing comes on something about the size of a breadstick, only it is indeed over a foot long. I was going to do all the math but some guy other guy did it already.

The gist is: At Quiznos, you'll pay 25% less money than you will at Subway for 45% less food (by volume). Plus at Subway you can decide what you want on the sandwich. What a novel concept.

I got some kind of beef and bacon Torpedo thing. It tastes like everything else at Quiznos.

Also, apparently there is a subliminal periscope coming out of the fire in the commercial.

Since I used to work at Quiznos, I tend to try all their new things, mostly to figure out their tricks. Remember the 5 Meat Stack? It's just an Italian with turkey. I was worried they stole my Barnyard Brawl* that I invented there. Just as long as they don't come out with my Zyklon Beef (the recipe for which will not be disclosed) any time soon, or ever, I'll be happy. (Granted they don't carry half the ingredients anymore anyway.) The bread bowls (that have since failed) they did steal from me: I would take the part of the bread we cut off, scoop out some of the bread inside, toast it, and fill it with soup. No spoon necessary.

I remember way back when Quiznos was good. Then (as I came to find out from talking to the owner of the one I worked at) Quiznos Corporate got greedy and decided to get as much money out of the franchise owners as possible. Quiznos used to have quality food at a higher-than-average price. Then they started to find cheaper and cheaper vendors with crappier and crappier food. But due to the way the franchises are set up, the owners are required to buy food from the specific vendors through Quiznos Corporate. Then they come out with new "events" something like 8 times a year. For example: Prime Rib, the Santa Fe sandwiches, the Ultimate BLT, Sammies, the Cabo Chicken, bread bowls, those terrible salads.... A lot of the new sandwiches would have for a few months had the same limited edition chipotle mayo, too.

Gradually, they'd give you less and less food for more and more money. Very few of anything Quiznos tries ever pans out for very long (other than charging more for less). I doubt their breadstick sandwich will last.

*Barnyard Brawl: Chicken chunks, deli chicken, turkey, smoked turkey, ham, black angus steak, roast beef, and bacon. I only made it once and it made me sick. Don't ever make one. EVER.

Zero calorie Coca Cola

Get ready for a mindfuck!

Coca-Cola Zero is a zero-calorie version of Coca-Cola. Diet Coke isn't!

Diet Coke was introduced in 1982. It raped Tab in sales and was the first new brand to use the name Coke since 1886. Coke was terrified of making a diet drink with the name of their successful product on it. Hence, the zero-calorie Tab was introduced in 1963. Meanwhile, Diet Pepsi was introduced in 1964. Pepsi just didn't give a fuck.

Anyway, instead of sugar, it contained saccharine and aspartame. The amounts of each varied during the first few years. In 2005, Diet Coke with Splenda (sucralose) was introduced. And it's okay I guess. Meh. Diet Pepsi is better at being a diet drink anyway.

...Not that 'diet' should be used to describe a soda anyway....

So, where's the mindfuck?

Diet Coke isn't a sugar-free version of the Coca-Cola formula. Instead, it's its own formula.

Here it comes...

NEW COKE WAS BASED ON DIET COKE.

WHAT!

That's right. New Coke was a high fructose corn syrup version of the Diet Coke formula. (HFCS is another horrible thing I'll get into another day.) Since real Coke is so much better than Diet Coke, it's no wonder it failed. Coca-Cola Classic was (re)introduced shortly after New Coke was introduced, only now it had HFCS in it.

In 2004, Coca-Cola released Coca-Cola Zero, which is in fact a sugar-free version of regular Coca-Cola. I thought they just switched up the ratio of aspartame to saccarhine in Diet Coke and called it "Coca-Cola Zero" so they could market a zero-calorie drink to men. But I guess I'm wrong. It's not often that happens.

Sources:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diet_Coke

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coca-Cola_Zero

Lemons

I saw this at Giant.

"Lemons. Perfect for orange juice."

I wonder what it said under the oranges.

The War Against -DVDLegacy-

--UPDATE 3--
It would appear that the shit is hitting the fan:

Feedback	30 days	90 days	365 days	Lifetime
Positive	66%	83%	87%	87%
Neutral	4%	4%	3%	4%
Negative	29%	13%	9%	9%
Count	11109	33089	73711	224153

----------------
--UPDATE 2--
Amazon.com refunded my money. Huzzah.
----------------

--UPDATE 1--
Yeah, it's pretty easy to file a claim on Amazon. Did you know that if you receive an item after the estimated shipping date you can request a shipping credit? Pretty sweet. Anyway, I hope Amazon's hired goons are on their way now to beat a refund out of -dvdlegacy-.
----------------

Typically, when someone orders something, say from a seller on Amazon.com, you give them money and they ship you a product. Apparently this seller named -dvdlegacy- on Amazon.com is going about it a little differently. You give him the money.

That's it.

No product.

I ordered a DVD* Feb 22. It was supposed to arrive before March 16. Everything else I ordered that day has come. As of today I still have not received it. I emailed -dvdlegacy- and didn't get a response. So, I left some bad feedback. Then I noticed something interesting about the seller's feedback:

Feedback	30 days	90 days	365 days	Lifetime
Positive	70%	85%	88%	87%
Neutral	4%	4%	3%	4%
Negative	25%	12%	9%	9%
Count	10843	32555	72988	223385

In the past 30 days this person has been dicking over customers left and right. Here are some reviews similar to mine:

1 out of 5: "I still have not received my order a month later. I have cotacted the seller twice only to get a generic response both times"

1 out of 5: "I agree with all the other comments about DVD Legacy. I finally recieved my package 2 days after the delivery window expired and never got a reply back on the status of my delivery, of which I sent three. This company absolutely sucks and should be kicked off Amazon!!"

1 out of 5: "The last time I contact I got the run around. No use contacting them!"

1 out of 5: "I STILL HAVE NOT RECEIVED MY ORDER. I SENT AN E-MAIL AND HAVE NOT RECEIVED A RESPONSE!"

1 out of 5: "I had NO problem paying for this item, why is there a problem delivering it? There shouldn't have to be such a wait for such a small item. ARen;t you in business to deliver?? Why hang on to it?"

1 out of 5: "I have waited the entire 21 days for delivery and the CD still has not arrived. I tried several times to contact this seller and only received a reply after the fourth email. Terrible
service, I will never buy from this seller again!"

Oh, and by the way, I posted my feedback less than an hour ago and ALL of the feedback quoted above is posted after mine. (11 reviews since mine, with only 4 positive.)



I never buy from anyone on Amazon.com who doesn't have at least a 98% rating, which is around where it was in late February. So, this guy's rapid plummeting in feedback (9% negative overall) has been almost entirely out of the last month.

Further, it does appear that some people are receiving their orders. So it's not like whoever works there is dead or anything.

My plan is to email them constantly until I get satisfaction (or a refund). I can't figure out how to file a complaint to Amazon so this moron can't do business. I tried contacting him through Amazon but I got this error:

We're sorry, but for security reasons we limit the number of e-mails sent between buyers and sellers per day. Please try another seller, or contact this seller again tomorrow. We apologize for the inconvenience.

So it would seem a lot of people are complaining to him, too. Luckily I have a slightly more direct email address (amazon@dvdlegacy.com), which I bet he's ignoring. Oh, yeah and there are all these email addresses, too!

The link to the seller's profile is here.

*I am ashamed to admit it is Metallica: A Year and a Half Parts 1 & 2.

Caffeine

I'm tired of having the caffeine argument about tea. Black tea has more caffeine than soda, goddamnit! White tea and green tea has less.

I try to avoid drinking lots of soda in the morning, but sometimes that's just the way things go. On the mornings I drink tea I end up wired out of my head. It doesn't help that I drink lots more tea than coke on the days I switch.

Part of the reason is that when it starts to get cold, I chug that motherfucker. Then I'll reach for it again later to discover my cup being empty, so I have to go get more.

And I hate iced tea so don't even suggest it.

So anyway my coworker doesn't think I should be as wired as I am just because of tea. "Oh come on, you only had tea." Shut up.

Let's do the math!

coffee/tea cup size = 525 mm^3 = 16 oz (close enough)

Amount of caffeine/8 oz of tea = 50mg
(source: http://www.bigelowtea.com/help/faqdetail.cfm?faq=8)

Per mug of tea, there is 50-100 mg of caffeine.

I had 4 cups of tea this morning => 200-400mg of caffeine

Now, had I stuck to Coke or Pepsi:

There are 23mg of caffeine per 8oz Coke and 25mg per 8oz Pepsi. (Mountainn Dew, btw, has 36mg per 8oz.)

Per can, this works out to 34.5mg for Coke; 37.5mg for Pepsi.

3 Cokes/Pepsis yesterday morning = 103.5/112.5mg

(sources: www.pepsiproductfacts.com http://www.thecoca-colacompany.com/mail/goodanswer/soft_drink_nutrition.pdf)

Just for contrast, let's investigate coffee...

Instant coffee: 62mg of caffeine per 8oz

Plain, brewed: 95mg of caffeine per 8oz

Starbucks: 165mg of caffeine per 8oz

(source: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/caffeine/AN01211)

Damn! I could consume as much caffeine with one Starbucks coffee than I could with 4 teas!

Too bad it tastes like ass.

Týr

Týr rules. They're coming to Sonar on March 27th!

I just wanted to throw around some comparisons of Týr's versions of traditional Scandinavian and Faroese music. I only found one song that had a video of the traditional version, though. Enjoy.


Ormurin Langi (Traditional Version)


Ormurin Langi - Týr

Thanks to Dave for originally finding this....

The US - Mexico Border

For no reason I was looking up information about the US-Mexico border. I found a couple hilarious pictures:

1) Here is the wall separating Mexico and the US at Tijuana-San Diego. I don't see why people climb the wall or anything when they can just swim around. Looks pretty easy.

Here is a satellite photo (Google Maps) of this. Looks like they built the wall in the wrong place.

2) On the right is Tijuana. On the left is San Diego. Funny. I'm sure if you looked more to the left, you'd see the same urban sprawl-filled misery that is San Diego.

Aside: I went to Tijuana in 2004. The picture below was taken before we went. Not pictured is me running away from Mexico.

Obama's $1b/hour

I work some hardcore Republicans. At lunch recently, one of them said that Obama (more correctly, the Congress with a majority of Democrats) has spent $1,000,000,000 per hour. I call shenanigans!

Republicans in the Senate did the "math" like this:

(Cost of Stimulus Bill + Cost of Fiscal Year 2009 omnibus bill) / number of hours during the first 50 days of Obama's presidency = $1 billion per hour

Looks sound to me -- WAIT A MINUTE.

The omnibus bill should have been passed last year during the Bush administration, but wasn't. Basically, if Congress doesn't have their shit together by Oct 1 of the previous year, the budget for a bunch of departments of the government are lumped together in this one bill. Either way, it will be spent over the course of the year.

The stimulus bill will be paid out over several years, with most of it going out in 18 months.

So let's now figure out the real cost of the bills per hour, even though this math is pretty shady, too:

$410 billion (Omnibus bill - source) / [(365 days)(24 hrs/day) = $46.8 million/hr

$819 billion (Stimulus plan - source) / [1.5(365 days)(24 hrs/day)] = $62.3 million/hr

So, "Obama" "really" "is spending" $109 million/hr. So it was a nice try by the Senator, but he was off by a factor of 10. Anyway the whole exercise is worthless because this isn't how the government works.

The most annoying thing about this whole deal is that had Republicans won both houses and elected McCain, these bills would cost nearly as much:

Furthermore, most of this money would have probably been spent even if Republicans controlled congress and John McCain had won the White House. The omnibus had some increases in spending over recent levels, including some departments that got 10 percent increases. But no Republican has proposed not funding the government. (McCain spoke of spending freezes on the trail, not dramatic reductions.) And Republicans would still have needed to find a way to pass the omnibus in the first weeks of the new year. Something similar can be said for the stimulus. Though few Republicans supported the stimulus bill Obama signed, most did not oppose the idea of an expensive stimulus to deal with the economic collapse. Republicans broadly supported a $152 billion stimulus last year, for example, and this year they proposed a tax-cut heavy alternative that would have cost hundreds of billions of dollars. (Notably, the Republicans left out a price for their plan when it was proposed.) Though the Republican stimulus might have been smaller, and would contain more tax cuts and less spending, it still would have been expensive. In this alternate universe, however, McConnnell and his comrades would not be complaining about the pace of McCain's per-hour spending rate, trying to scare the country with big numbers that don't mean all that much.
Source

So that's great.

Sources:
http://swampland.blogs.time.com/2009/03/11/the-math-behind-a-billion-dollars-an-hour/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Omnibus_spending_bill

Smog v. Haze

I've had the misfortune of being in Los Angeles 3 times now. It sucks. I don't understand how anyone can like it. Perhaps I'll get into the specifics another day. Anyway, the last time I was there, I came in to Long Beach on a ship. When we were still a few miles out, you could easily see a brown layer of air over the city (pictured below). It was pretty disgusting, but not as bad as when you can't see it anymore because that means you're in it.

I have a coworker that for some insane reason adores LA. He doesn't like it when I rip on it. Example: "If the big one hit LA tomorrow, nothing of value will be lost." Anyway, whenever I bring up LA, I bring up the smog. The horrible horrible smog. He always goes, "It's not smog. It's haze." I tend to say something like "Whatever. I don't want to breathe it."

Well this came up briefly again recently, so I decided to do some research (although I highly doubted I was wrong the whole time). What is the difference exactly?

Haze
Haze is an atmospheric condition where fine particles (solid or liquid) accumulate and obscure the clarity of the sky. That's it.

Smog
Smog is essentially haze caused by pollution. The fine particles are a result of vehicular and industrial emissions. The term was coined in the early 1900s by combining "smoke" and "fog." "Classic" smog was a result of smoke and sulfer dioxide produced from burning large amounts of coal.

In the 1950s, a new type of smog was observed, called photochemical smog. It is caused by a reaction of sunlight, nitrogen oxides (released by burning fossil fuels and industry), volatile organic compounds (creating particles and ground-level ozone; they are released by gasoline, paints, solvents, pesticides, pine and citrus trees). Photochemical smog can also include peroxyacyl nitrates and aldehydes. And yes, all of these are as bad as they sound, especially when they are mixed together in the air.

Source: http://www.inspiredliving.com/airpurification/images/smoggrph.gif
(Click to embiggen)

All this horrible crap can get trapped by a temperature inversion in the atmosphere. As the name implies, this occurs when colder air gets trapped under a layer of warmer air*. The convection cycle of the air gets shut down and all the crap that is in the air just sits where it is. (This happens in Oslo, Norway, too, only you can still breathe there.) Where does this happen frequently? Why, the southwestern US, of course!
*This happens in extreme cases of temperature inversion. Typically, the temperature gradient with respect to altitude is much less than normal, creating a "stable layer" of air which acts like a lid.

In summary,

temperature inversion
+
4 million people
+
the worst traffic in the country
+
the largest amount of manufacturing in the US
+
five airports
=
SMOG, YOU IDIOT!

Uncited Sources:
http://www.nws.noaa.gov/glossary/index.php?letter=s
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Smog
http://www.nws.noaa.gov/glossary/index.php?letter=h
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inversion_(meteorology)

Idiot Driver

Complaining about the driving in the DC area in general isn't worth it because I'd probably develop an ulcer before I'm through writing about it. But, sometimes there is that one idiot that just grinds my gears, so to speak.

So, I'm driving into work this morning, as I have been known to do on occasion. I was in the lane second from the right, and my exit was coming up in a mile. Why wasn't I in the right lane? Because no one knows how to safely merge into that lane from the previous exit, plus there's always some idiot going 45mph in it instead of 90mph* like everyone else.

So I start looking to change lanes so I can easily get off at the next exit. If I were to miss the exit, it would take about 15 minutes to get to an exit where I can turn around and then come all the way back. So anyway there's no real room to change lanes because the guy next to me is pacing me for some reason and there's a car in from of me so I can't go in front of the guy next to me.

At this point, I'm a half mile from the exit. I put on my turn signal. The guy in front of me is out of the way, but the guy next to me is slightly ahead of me. I figure I could make it in front of him, but it wouldn't be easy, wise, nice, or safe, so I do the good deed and slow down so I can get behind his car then get off at my exit, which at this point is rapidly approaching.

Well, the silver Buick in the lane behind the guy next to me (with plenty of room in front of him, I might add), was having none of it. There was plenty of room in front of the Buick, but he saw my turn signal and decided to close in fast! Well, I was having none of that, so I went ahead and changed lanes. Well he was still having none of that so he flashed his high beams. I will have none of his high beams, so I gave him the finger as I got into the exit lane, slowing down so I made sure he can see it.

Giving the finger can be very satisfying sometimes. I hope to think I ruined his day and he's going to be all snippy the rest of the day, then his boss will fire him, then he'll have to sell his Buick... or live in it. Yes, live in it. He should have let me in. Asshole.

I really don't understand the Buick moron's mentality. "Oh, no, you're not occupying the space in front of me for all of 5 seconds! I see your turn signal and lack of options, but nuh-uh! I'll speed up so you can't come in! I'm a douchebag!"

*I keed, I keed!

Shamrock Fest

Picture Ireland (cold, gray, and raining). Now picture several hundred/thousand of drunks like this:

Yes, that is a white guy, wearing a kilt (for some reason), and a hoodie that says "If you see da police, Warn-a-Brotha."

Okay, now only serve American beer, very very little of which has been colored green.

Next, make sure very little of the bands and vendors have anything to do with Ireland. The guy selling Welsh cookies was close. Oh, so close. Good cookies, though.

The things there that were indeed Irish-related were pretty sweet, but it was hardly a "Shamrock" Fest. Once you forget that it's supposed to be Irish it was a good time. As long as you have good company, that is.

Article: Christian Salt

Christian Salt (article 1) (article 2)

I was minding my own business in Google Reader, looking at headlines from The Onion when I saw "Christian Salt Introduced." I thought to myself, "how do those Onion writers do it? That's freakin' hilarious!!"

So, I clicked on the link... American Voices*? Oh, no! It's actual news!

*American Voices is a section where they take an actual news piece and ask what you think. The pictures of the 3 people never change, but their names, occupations, and quotes do.

What's the Deal with Christian Salt

So, some backwoods hick, who I'm sad to say is technically from Maryland, apparently sits on his fat ass all day (when he's not burning crosses I assume) watching the Food Network. He was fed up with TV chefs always telling you to use kosher salt! ...The only TV chef I can think of that demands kosher salt at all times is Alton Brown.

So, let me back up, he watches Good Eats all day, got fed up with Alton Brown kowtowing to the Jews, I guess, and said "I'm'un'a make me some JESUS salt!"

This new anti-Semetic salt will be blessed by an Episcopal priest (they're the cheapest, I bet). Wait, wait, wait. Things that are kosher aren't blessed by rabbis, as most people believe, but are prepared according to Jewish laws.

Each box of Nazi salt will be emblazoned with a red cross... you know, like the Knights Templar... who fought in the Crusades and killed Muslims, Jews, Slavs, Russian and Greek Orthodox Christians, Mongols, Cathars, Hussites, and more, just like Jesus wanted!

My biggest problem with this Christian Salt moron is that he obviously doesn't understand anything about kosher salt, much less about fostering religious tolerance.

A Brief History of Kosher Salt

All salt is kosher. Kosher (or Koshering) Salt is coarser than table salt. It is ideal for drawing blood out of meat in order to make the meat kosher. Since it's easier to pinch and portion, a lot of chefs prefer it. It's just a great, all-around salt (unless you're baking). Oh, yeah, and there are no additives.

The end.

Back to the Crazy Guy

No inventor of anti-Jew salt would be complete without a bunch of frightening, misinformed quotes:

"I said, 'What the heck's the matter with Christian salt?'"

Calm down there, Adolf. If you maybe tried actually cooking instead of just watching the shows, you'd know what's wrong with salt that isn't kosher salt. (Again, all salt is kosher.)

From the first article:
...A share of the proceeds will be donated to Christian charities, but neither [the manufacturer or the inventor] would specify a percentage.

1 is a percent! If you're calling it Christian Salt, shouldn't ALL the proceeds help the less forunate?

"This is about keeping Christianity in front of the public so that it doesn’t die. I want to keep Christianity on the table, in the household, however I can do it."

Right! Although I didn't know Christianity was dying. Yesterday I drove past 7 Christian churches and 1 mosque. No synagogues. Not bad for a dying religion I guess.

"There’s no antisemitism. I love Jesus Christ, and he was a Jew."

Um, wow. That's like saying you have a black friend. Yeah, that's pretty horrible.

The Worst Part About It All

No one, not the one-toothed anti-Semetic salt-inventing Grand Wizard, nor a single one of the journalists, went for the obvious "Does it come in pillars?" joke!

What I learned today: Gravity freezes things?

(Click to embiggen)

You know, usually I like Non Sequitur, but today's strip hit one of my pet peeves: stupid people trying to sound smart and blowing it.

"The molecular structure of its liquidity..." If he's worried about the mud being solid, it's stupid to even use the word liquidity, which, I might add, is rarely used to describe something as being a liquid since it is typically used as a financial term. How about something involving the crystal structure or the altered physical properties of a solution? (Is mud a solution?)

"...coupled with gravity." I realize what the cartoon is attempting to say (i.e. jumping), but in panel 4 he doesn't mention jumping into the mud, only that he mud is frozen, implying that the gravity has something to do with the mud freezing.

Perhaps I put too much thought into my morning comics?

This is also why I can't stand that show Big Bang Theory. "WE'RE SMART AND HUMORLESS AND DON'T SHOW EMOTION. QUANTUM." I can't tell if the writing is bad or if the actors are just stupid. Someone please tell me they canceled it.

Coming eventually: When someone uses "I" instead of "me" to sound smart and it doesn't work.

Nyarlathoblog

There. I named it. The blog is no longer What the Fuck Should I Name This Thing?; it is now Nyarlathoblog. Other names I considered: The Blogging Chaos, The Blogs in the Witch House, The Blogging of Unknown Kadath, The Blogger of the Dark.... They're all (poor) plays on words of H. P. Lovecraft stories about Nyarlatotep (with the exception of the Blogging Chaos).

Nyarlathotep wanders the earth and gathers legions of followers, often by invading their dreams. The followers lose awareness of the world and eventually end up as his servants and/or part of his ever-growing army. I figured it was a good theme because you will no doubt be enthralled and mesmerized by my unending genius and will end up serving me.

A series of Lovecraft's short stories are about Nyarlathotep, including "The Haunter of the Dark." As you may or may not be aware, I wrote the Burning Shadows song, "Haunter of the Dark" way back in 2000 or so. (Little known fact: I played bass on that song on Into the Primordial.) The story and song are centered around a man who unwittingly summons the Haunter, an avatar of Nyarlathotep. However, the Haunter is banished by light. This would be fine if the city didn't keep having power outages during thunderstorms. The Haunter kills the protagonist.

The stories that involve Nyarlathotep are: Nyarlathotep (1920), The Dream Quest of Unknown Kadath (1927), the 21st sonnet of Fungi From Yoggoth (1930), The Dreams in the Witch House (1933), and The Haunter of the Dark (1936). Other authors wrote about or were inspired by Nyarlathotep, including Robert Bloch (best known for writing Psycho) and Robert E. Howard (who wrote the Conan series).

What his fate would be, he did not know; but he felt that he was held for the coming of that frightful soul and messenger of infinity's Other Gods, the crawling chaos Nyarlathotep.
—H. P. Lovecraft, The Dream-Quest of Unknown Kadath

The Simpsons in HD

Why do The Simpsons feel the need to give the finger to me when I've put up with them for so long?



A couple weeks ago, The Simpsons was officially in HD. And, they abandoned the original intro that they've been using for TWO DECADES. It's a little late to start reinventing now, guys.

So why do I feel cheated? The show is in HD (whoopty-fucking do). I don't have an HD TV. Normally this wouldn't be an issue if they were smart enough to broadcast it in letterbox. Instead, half the characters get cut off, often when they're speaking. During last Sunday's episode, several times, the character talking wasn't even on the screen, and a couple times, characters on the screen reached for something off the screen.

This, after I've stuck by them and watched them for 20 years. I even watched all the terrible seasons when they were trying as hard as possible to be Family Guy. (Like for instance that episode where Ralph was playing duck duck goose by himself in a room and it painfully went on for far too long.) I refused to stop watching. How do they reward me? By cutting off charaters. And it's really freakin' distracting.

Put the damn show on in letterbox.

I'll get an HDTV at some point, but until then watching The Simpsons in my living room is just going to irk me.

Update (6/6/09): I recently got an HDTV and now the Simpsons are fucking awesome!

Why Man vs. Wild is better than Survivorman

Yeah, yeah, this post would be more timely a few years ago. Wanna fight about it?

So, anyway, Man v. Wild is leaps and bounds better than Survivorman. Why? Because Bear Grylls just doesn't give a fuck!

Les Stroud...
...is the host of Survivorman. Basically he goes out into the wild or whatever with a handful of cameras, his harmonica, and gumption. And maybe a knife. He's alone the whole time. I'm sure he has a satellite phone or something so when his leg gets bitten off he can call for help, though. Anyway, he uses his survival techniques to get back to civilization and panders to the camera as much as possible and then plays his stupid harmonica at sundown. ...Does it bother anyone else that when he has to cross a stream or something and there's a reverse shot of him doing it, he had to cross the stream, set up the camera, hit record, go back across the stream, and then cross the stream a third time for the one that ends up in the show? It bugs me to no end. The show is generally considered to be the more "authentic" of the two shows. Feh. Who cares? This guy is my least favorite Canadian.

Bear Grylls...

...is the genius behind Man v. Wild. First of all he's British, which makes everything he does so much more intriguing! When he goes out into the wild he takes a camera crew. People got all upitty when it came out that he and his crew received some "assistance" during a few sequences on a show. But let's face it, how is a Brit going to know where to get a dead camel in the Sahara without help? Here's Bear Grylls being a "phony." Go ahead and watch it. I'll wait.

...

So who cares if there was a road right there? There could have been lava under there. You don't know.

See, the best thing about Man v. Wild is that Bear Grylls doesn't have to do any of the things he does. If he wants he could be sleeping in a hotel that night. Let that sink in. Next time you see Bear eating something strange, or drinking water from a pile of elephant shit, or drinking his own pee, or doing naked calisthenics, or shoving his head into a dead camel, or getting honey from a beehive in Mexico, then getting stung so his face swells and he can barely see while he walks across a desert, just think to yourself, "He did that for my amusement!"

Meanwhile, Les Stroud is playing his harmonica because he's a douchebag.

10 Healthiest "Fast Food" Places Article: Why news is stupid

10 Healthiest Fast Food Restaurants - from WBBM in Chicago

They are:

1. Pantera Bread


2. Jason's Deli


3. Au Bon Pain


4. Noodles and Company


5. Corner Bakery Café


6. Chipotle


7. Atlanta Bread


8. McDonald's


9. Einstein Bros.


10. Taco Del Mar

This article is all kinds of stupid. So, here we go:

First of all, Pan(t)era Bread, Jason's Deli, Au Bon Pain, Noodles and Company, Corner Bakery, Atlanta Bread, and possibly Einstein Bros, are all NOT fast food. They are what the soulless corporate restauranteurs call quick casual. When I worked at Pei Wei, they made a big deal to the cashiers that we identify the restaurant as quick casual and not fast food or even a casual restaurant. Fast food places are like McDonald's and Popeyes. You order at a counter, the food is not necessarily made-to-order, and there is no table service. And it's cheap. Casual dining is like TGI Friday's or Applebees (ugh). At casual restaurants, you sit down, there is a waiter (unless it's Chutzpah, then they just say there's a waiter), and you don't have to dress in a tuxedo and wipe your mouth with $100 bills. As the name implies, quick casual is the ground between fast food and casual. Some have some kind of table service. At Pei Wei, for instance, you order at a counter, then have a seat and your food comes to you. So it is with most of the places on their "fast food" list.

So, now we have the list down to 3 places, McDonald's, Taco Del Mar, and Chipotle.

I guess I have nothing to really complain about Chipotle and Taco Del Mar, the latter of which I have never been to. Yeah, they do healthy-ish stuff I guess. Good work. Who cares?

Now finally we're at the elephant in the room: McDonald's. The article says:

Among the big burger-based chains, McDonald's is leading the way in overhauling its menu to offer more heart and waist-friendly fare. Take the Happy Meals, which you can order with a side of apple dippers (with low-fat caramel) instead of fries and low-fat milk or fruit juice instead of soda. And if you have to have fries, McDonald's are made in a healthy canola-blend oil and come in at just 230 calories for a small. The Grilled Chicken Classic sandwich and wraps are healthy choices, too (just skip the mayo or sauce). And our whole panel commends McDonald's for spelling out the nutritional information right on the back of its tray liners.

:deep breath:

I'm sure ANY fast food restaurant is fine IF YOU GET A KIDS MEAL. Especially if you eat FRUIT instead of FRIES. But it's okay because the fries cooked in healthy-ish oil. (Note the phrase canola-blend in the article.) Oh yeah and as long as you make adjustments you can eat the gilled chicken, too... JUST LIKE ANYWHERE ELSE. Oh and if all you have is a SNACK-SIZED ITEM it's healthy, too!

Oh and kudos for printing your nutritional info on the tray liners (not to mention on the bottom of the sandwich boxes and back of the fry containers). You know, by the time you see the nutritional info, IT'S TOO LATE! You've already ordered!

So, why did they put McDonald's on the list? To get people to go "holy fuck, read this article! It says McDonald's is healthy." And then you read the article. This is a common tactic with top ten-style "news" "articles." They will always put one more or less outrageous one in there to generate a buzz and get people to refer others to the article and talk about it.

Shit, it worked.

Well anyway, someone let me know when they find the other 7 healthy places. I have a few suggestions: Wendy's (if you get a kid's meal and don't finish it), Burger King (if you have them hold the mayo, cheese, and burger, and you don't finish your fries), KFC (you can't gain any calories if you've thrown it up, can you?), Quiznos (because subs are always healthy, right?)....

Chutzpah fucking sucks

There's a shitty "New York" "deli" near Tysons Corner on Rt. 7 called Chutzpah. For whatever dumbass fucking reason, several people I work with like it. I fucking hate it. The dining room is too fucking cold and the service is fucking terrible. The food is merely okay. It's definitely not worth the price, service, or agony of going there.

Today I was tricked into going. Again. So here's what happened this time:

1. First of all the place pretty much has no signs. It's back from Rt. 7 by about half a block. So I drove by it 3 times before we got there.
2. The parking spaces are too fucking small. It's Northern VA. Everyone drives bigass fucking SUVs. It took a while to find a space that wasn't between two SUVs that parked over the lines.
   
3. They had already seated the other 4 guys. When the 3 of us showed up, there were only two places set up at the table. So after I had to steal a chair from another table, I came and sat down. The waiter said "Can I get you anything?" I said, "How about a menu like everyone else?"
4. The waiter took our drink orders after getting me the menu that should've been there. He took mine twice because he wasn't fucking listening.
5. The menu says "ORDER BY NUMBER PLEASE." Only, there are no numbers. So I ordered a "number pastrami on rye."
6. We ate the small bowl of coleslaw and pickles by the time we had ordered. I finished my Coke. I asked for a refill.
7. 20 or so minutes pass with no sandwiches and no refills.
   
8. My sandwich came out. The top slice of bread had BLOOD on it. No refill yet. I was slurping the melted ice when he brought it.
   
9. I sent the sandwich back because it fucking had blood on it! Everyone else got refills except me, the person who originally asked for it. I asked again.
   
10. When the waiter brought my sandwich back out he slipped and almost went face first into the table behind me. Let this be a lesson: don't bleed on my sandwich and you won't die.
11. The new sandwich tasted fine, but not $7 fine. Maybe $4 fine.
12. Still no refill.
13. My stomach rumbled. I was apparently rejecting the food.
14. The bathroom was in the main office building this shithole was in.
15. When I returned to the table (which was a little while) everyone had paid except me of course and I still had no fucking refill.

FUCK. CHUTZPAH. I will never return.

BOЯДT

So I watched Borat again recently. It's fantastic. I was reading up on what happened to everyone after the movie, and it made my head hurt.

The basic theme of my comments below is: when you receive a release form that specifically says you will not sue the producers of the film for defamation of character or fraud, that should be your first warning sign that something is amiss.

AFTERMATH OF PARTICIPANTS

Dharma Arthur WAPT-TV news producer
She claims she left her job because her boss couldn't trust her after she had Borat on the show. Okay, how about next time YOU DO SOME RESEARCH INTO YOUR GUESTS. "She claims to have checked a public relations website that Borat's producers gave her before booking him." Yes, that's responsible. Why bother with more than one source?

Bobby Rowe rodeo producer
Actually he was just embarassed. I bet he's not mad about the free press his rodeo got, eh?

Cindy Streit etiquette consultant
She hired a high profile attorney to demand an investigation of the producers for fraud. How about you go read the release form a few more times, you idiot? It's not that hard to say "no."

The Retired/Retard Guy retired retard
In a salon.com interview, he said, "we got out of this pretty clean." What else happened at the dinner party??

Mariam and Joseph Behar bed & breakfast propriaters
They were quoted as saying: "This is very insulting. They never told us they were going to do this. It is really terrible." And that the film "outstanding," referring to Cohen as "very lovely and very polite" and a "genius." They considered the film more anti-Muslim than anti-Semitic and had feared that Cohen and his ensemble might be filming pornography in the house. So, at least they just planted some cockroaches instead of, well, you know.

Veteran Feminists of America American veteran feminists
They "sensed something odd was going on." Ya think? Go read your release form again.

Pamela Anderson waw-waw-we-waw
There is speculation that she divorced Kid Rock after he reacted "unfavorably" to the movie. First of all, why would anyone marry Kid Rock in the first place, and second of all, this is by far not the worst thing she's done on film.

United Pentecostal Crazies ::speaking in tongues::
"United Pentecostal ministers are barred from attending mainstream movies at all, and the faithful are strongly admonished against it." So who gives a fuck what you think about it?


PEOPLE WHO SUED

Villagers of Glod, Romania Played people in Borat's village
Um, who let them out of their cages? Also they claimed to be underpaid and wanted more money. Way to break the stereotypes of gypsies, there, guys.

Two of the USC Frat Brothers Gaaayyyy
They attempted to sue for defamation. Here's an idea, when you have two cameras on you, maybe you shouldn't say the most ignorant, sexist, racist shit that comes to your mind. Even though that's obviously how you really feel.

Esma Redžepova Singer whose music was used in the film
Okay, I'm not well-versed in international copyright law, but give her a royalty check, please.

Felix Cedeno Subway passenger
It's unclear which guy this was on the subway. If he was one of the guys who threatened to punch Borat, then cool out. If he was anyone else on the train, then quit your bitching.

Michael Psenicska driving school instructor
He accepted $500 to give Borat the driving lesson. Plus he no doubt signed the release form. Plus he handled the situation very well. Oh, and the case was dismissed.

Jeffrey Lemerond Terrified guy in New York who ran away yelling "go away"
Maybe you shouldn't be such a cowardly nutcase. Case dismissed!


KAZAKH CRITICISM

Kazakhstan was one of the few countries over there that didn't ban the film. They were very worried about their image after it came out and tried several things to counter the effects of the film.

But if you think Kazakhstan really is how it's portrayed in Borat, then you are a blithering idiot.

Anyway, a Kazakh reporter pointed out how extremely anti-American the film is. I think that is exactly right.

Apparently the movie sparked worldwide interest in Kazakhstan. Hell I still want to buy that Kazakh jersey!

After the film was a great success, the Kazakh government pretty much reversed their stance because they're not retarded.

Yeah, so I guess that's it.

Oh, yeah, also, the film was banned pretty much unilaterally in the Arab world. Despite all the harsh things they had to say about it, at least no one from the Religion of Peace™ blew anyone up over it. So, that's good.



Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borat of course.