tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-51144796964358586722023-11-16T12:39:15.293-05:00NyarlathoblogThe price of knowledge is sanity.Timmortalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14878954894231730154noreply@blogger.comBlogger286125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114479696435858672.post-34943759612634075712016-06-03T18:00:00.000-04:002016-06-03T18:00:13.091-04:00Muscular Tommy Pickles From Rugrats Looks Strikingly Like Ralf Scheepers From Primal Fear.<table border="0"><tr><td>
<b>Muscular Tommy Pickles:</b><br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilxeG6qA5-dGilHtT3cIjnC5lkkeHrQhKm1awsPjpcxICKlJLeqtaAbVemAlNICcX3fJJx09E_qDhnyZDEF8J2Z5-tr6pG0xwRs0jBSuycJOSqox9kdWD1sR0CP-y3mdrakXhXzUcGvQJE/s1600/muscular+tommy+pickles.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilxeG6qA5-dGilHtT3cIjnC5lkkeHrQhKm1awsPjpcxICKlJLeqtaAbVemAlNICcX3fJJx09E_qDhnyZDEF8J2Z5-tr6pG0xwRs0jBSuycJOSqox9kdWD1sR0CP-y3mdrakXhXzUcGvQJE/s400/muscular+tommy+pickles.jpg" /></a>
</td><td>
<b>Ralf Scheepers:</b><br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTWG-b_p349Gvnb6sPGToeaJqEko4ZwEkPveBjogaP41q6D9Fngz_jXD8uxvB8xHGVTQqAVAAxQP2dI1NuuhD38hyphenhyphensxlkdyizIaqwxFbkxS2UBHQh46AycRwpo1iDW47Q7vA9mjBPI0ogu/s1600/ralf+scheepers.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTWG-b_p349Gvnb6sPGToeaJqEko4ZwEkPveBjogaP41q6D9Fngz_jXD8uxvB8xHGVTQqAVAAxQP2dI1NuuhD38hyphenhyphensxlkdyizIaqwxFbkxS2UBHQh46AycRwpo1iDW47Q7vA9mjBPI0ogu/s320/ralf+scheepers.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr></table>Timmortalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14878954894231730154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114479696435858672.post-5004199054272316742015-06-13T09:30:00.000-04:002015-06-13T09:30:01.471-04:00Hold Your Fucking Phone in Fucking Landscape<span style="font-size: large;">Hold your fucking phone horizontally if you're going to record a fucking video on it!</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://i.imgur.com/jZhWwRc.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://i.imgur.com/jZhWwRc.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">From a <a href="http://gizmodo.com/5697423/psa-please-turn-your-damn-cellphone-sideways-when-recording-video" target="_blank">Gizmodo article</a> telling you the same thing. But you didn't listen. What the fuck is wrong with you?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<a href="https://i.imgur.com/9ZtaX4M.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://i.imgur.com/9ZtaX4M.png" width="180" /></a>So you want to take a cellphone video of something with the intention of posting it to YouTube or whatever. If you hold your phone vertically, you should be sterilized for the sake of humanity and probably have your teeth removed. How do you function?<br />
<br />
The standard HD video size is 1920x1080 pixels. Your phone will record in this no matter what orientation your clammy hand has positioned the phone in. If you hold it vertically, what happens when you want to watch it on anything that's not your phone? Black boxes. Black boxes that would be filled with glorious HD video had you held your phone correctly, you fucking idiot.<br />
<br />
Your video will now play back on any screen that's not your phone as a 1080x608 pixel video with darkness filling up the missing space. Since you're too fucking stupid to hold a phone sideways, I feel the need to explain to you that 1080x608 is smaller than 1920x1080. Congratulations. You have wasted about two-thirds of the available display while using the same amount of memory on your phone. You are why we can't have nice things. Way to ruin it for everybody.<br />
<br />
Google's camera app (pictured) even gently suggests to you that you should rotate your phone. It should refuse to record videos if your phone is wrong. Or better yet, administer electric shocks and deport your loved ones.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/XiUPPU8wCZA/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/XiUPPU8wCZA?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></div>
<br />
<br />
I say we round up all the portrait mobile phone video people and march them into the sea.<br />
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<br />Timmortalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14878954894231730154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114479696435858672.post-18056993210517128342015-06-10T13:30:00.000-04:002015-06-10T13:30:00.102-04:00Bobby Flay is a Total DouchebagI've said it for years. Bobby Flay is a douchebag. Fuck him. Fuck his shows.<br />
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://i.imgur.com/XSenNlP.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://i.imgur.com/XSenNlP.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Bobby Flay mixing a cocktail with roofies in it. Total douchebag.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Bobby Flay is a <a href="http://wannabetvchef.com/?p=182" target="_blank">high school dropout</a> who took up <a href="http://www.biography.com/people/bobby-flay-578278#early-life" target="_blank">Southwestern cuisine</a> as his specialty. That's right, Southwestern, the easiest of all cuisines because nothing fucking grows in the desert. It's all 5 ingredients. The same 5 ingredients. Big fucking accomplishment mastering Southwestern cuisine, you douchebag.<br />
<br />
So he gets involved with the Food Network. Oh shit you have to be a skilled chef to get a cooking show right? Not if you're Bobby Flay. His cooking show is all about grilling. Yep, the easiest cooking method there is. Just throw shit on the grill and maybe turn it once while drinking your beer. Done. You're a grillmaster.<br />
<br />
But then suddenly Bobby Flay became Master of Everything Ever. Between <i>Throwdown! with Bobby Flay</i> and <i>Beat Bobby Flay</i>, he is determined to beat you at your life's work. He swoops into town, goes to a local joint that is supposed to be the best at something, then decided the owner is shit and he can beat them with no effort at the thing they've spent their entire career doing. Fuck you, Bobby Flay. That is a tremendously douchebag concept for a show or two.<br />
<br />
Ever been to Bobby's Douchbag Burger Palace? He's so much of a douchebag, there is no vegetarian option. Even Five Guys will make you a grilled cheese (i. e. a burger without the meat). But no, fuck you if you don't eat meat. Have a salad, that's all you eat anyway.<br />
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Fuck Bobby Flay.Timmortalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14878954894231730154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114479696435858672.post-81842018832807973312015-06-07T06:00:00.000-04:002015-06-07T06:00:00.926-04:00Weird ForksThere are too many damn forks out there.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i.imgur.com/i3T4pi6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/i3T4pi6.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Asparagus Fork</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i.imgur.com/TjEc2VP.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/TjEc2VP.jpg" height="201" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Beef fork</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i.imgur.com/MaLW43Q.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/MaLW43Q.png" height="320" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Berry fork</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i.imgur.com/kRVDvKe.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/kRVDvKe.jpg" height="320" width="292" /></span></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Carving fork</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i.imgur.com/wwQNM82.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/wwQNM82.jpg" height="61" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Cheese fork</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i.imgur.com/gtnf7lC.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/gtnf7lC.jpg" height="200" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Chip fork</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i.imgur.com/OsfgyG4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/OsfgyG4.jpg" /></span></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Cocktail fork</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i.imgur.com/WwKAEhb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/WwKAEhb.jpg" height="241" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Cold meat fork</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i.imgur.com/61D4tqU.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/61D4tqU.jpg" height="320" width="239" /></span></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crab_fork"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Crab fork</span></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i.imgur.com/9YW9ax4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/9YW9ax4.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Dessert fork (alternatively, pudding fork/cake fork in Great Britain)</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i.imgur.com/zPg070y.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/zPg070y.jpg" height="183" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Dinner fork </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i.imgur.com/7i04sUD.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/7i04sUD.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Fish fork </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i.imgur.com/0hD3yvI.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/0hD3yvI.png" height="209" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fondue">Fondue</a> fork</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i.imgur.com/RY8M4aW.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/RY8M4aW.jpg" /></span></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Fruit salad fork</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i.imgur.com/2I3WUAU.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/2I3WUAU.jpg" /></span></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Ice cream fork</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i.imgur.com/Mhku3Kb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/Mhku3Kb.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Lobster fork</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i.imgur.com/Ggkg7OU.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/Ggkg7OU.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Lunch fork </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i.imgur.com/osegDwW.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/osegDwW.jpg" height="212" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Meat fork</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i.imgur.com/C7HTloG.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/C7HTloG.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Obvious pun fork</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i.imgur.com/ZBKjzWB.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/ZBKjzWB.jpg" height="187" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Olive fork </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i.imgur.com/J6mm23w.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/J6mm23w.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Oyster/Shrimp fork </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i.imgur.com/G8N6RSC.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/G8N6RSC.jpg" height="320" width="60" /></span></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pastry_fork">Pastry fork</a> </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i.imgur.com/yNtfBYI.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/yNtfBYI.jpg" height="284" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Pickle fork </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i.imgur.com/UN3iAez.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/UN3iAez.png" height="320" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Pie fork </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i.imgur.com/dQp243Y.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/dQp243Y.jpg" height="320" width="239" /></span></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pitchfork">Pitchfork</a> </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i.imgur.com/QKlXpUc.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/QKlXpUc.jpg" /></span></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Relish fork </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i.imgur.com/tH32aub.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/tH32aub.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Salad fork </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i.imgur.com/VJzNKsj.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/VJzNKsj.jpg" height="254" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Seafood fork</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i.imgur.com/9zqYBRT.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/9zqYBRT.jpg" height="227" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spork">Spork</a></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i.imgur.com/mv6Crmz.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/mv6Crmz.jpg" height="282" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Tea fork </span></div>
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<a href="http://i.imgur.com/l6J8NRU.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/l6J8NRU.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">Toasting fork</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">Asshole fork</span></div>
Timmortalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14878954894231730154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114479696435858672.post-15733630683330682662015-06-04T18:30:00.000-04:002015-06-04T21:08:58.705-04:0010 Things We Should Do To Clickbait Headline Writers (You Won't Believe #7. And #9 Made Me Cry)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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1. <b>Round them all up.</b> This won't be hard. They are the definition of lazy.</div>
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2. <b>Begin the march.</b> It's exceedingly easy to write article like this because you don't need to worry about flow. It's just numbers and maybe a blurb and a photo.</div>
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3. <b>Break the ankles of those at the front.</b> If you're BuzzFeed, you don't even have to worry about whatever the title of the article was when you're adding things to the list.</div>
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4. <b>Whip those in back.</b> If you've clicked on the link, their job is done. It doesn't matter what the page says.</div>
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5. <b>Force them onto the boat</b>. Any time I see an headline like this on Facebook, that's the end of our friendship.</div>
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6. <b>Deposit them on an island with no food source.</b> The occasional times I see someone posting a link to this type of shit and I don't unfriend them, I will subvert the headline's intent if I am able to. "You won't believe what this dog did to these children! (It made me cry!)"</div>
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7. <b>Introduce leprosy to the island. </b>Simply Google whatever the fuck it is, find an image, and post it as a comment.</div>
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8. <b>Film their eventual demise.</b> So now, no one has to click on the article. No one clicks the link.</div>
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9. <b>Show the footage to their families. </b>Hopefully it all goes away. The point of this shit is to make you click on the link. It's content farming. Don't click the links.</div>
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10. <b>Write their eulogies in the format they perpetuated</b>. The authors should be shamed and the websites shouldn't be patronized. But of course it's becoming more and more prevalent because everyone is a fucking moron and clicks on the links anyway.</div>
Timmortalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14878954894231730154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114479696435858672.post-57858296227617468902014-08-13T10:20:00.001-04:002014-08-13T15:21:43.047-04:00Review: Taco Bell's Breakfast Crunchwrap Supreme<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/e0/Taco_Bell_Store_Redesign_-_Outside.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/e0/Taco_Bell_Store_Redesign_-_Outside.jpg" height="425" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My Taco Bell is about 30% as clean-looking as this one.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
No, I don't know what compelled me to forego edible breakfast-type food and instead go to Taco Bell, but should the same phenomenon happen to you, you should know what you're in for.<br />
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First of all, walking into a Taco Bell at 7:30AM feels like those scenes in <i>The Walking Dead</i> where they are scavenging for supplies by going into a long-deserted store. It's silent, but there are definitely unseen, unheard zombies lurking in the back.<br />
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Taco Bell is eerily quiet in the mornings. No other people were in the, ahem, dining room other than myself. There did not appear to be anyone in the back cooking, either. It was just empty. There was a guy pulled up to the Drive Thru window with a dead, blank look in his eye. Has he been gassed? Is the Taco Bell crew tied up in the back somewhere, disemboweled by a late night customer because they forgot to change the Baja Blast syrup?<br />
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At this point, I admitted to myself this was a mistake. Taco Bell for breakfast. And I wasn't even hungover.<br />
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As I turned to leave, an employee appeared and said she'd be right with me. Well now if I leave, things will just be awkward. And I will still be hungry. So I order. "A.M. Crunchwrap with Bacon." How far have we sunken as a society that this is something one human can say to another human?<br />
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Other employees have appeared, but the cashier is the one to fold breakfast food into a tortilla for me. It was shaped like a hexagonal football. It definitely looked Crunchwrap-ish, though. Just lopsided. Food in bag in hand, I disappeared into the <strike>night</strike> morning.<br />
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The regular (P.M.?) Crunchwrap was designed to be eaten one-handed in the car, so that is naturally what I did with my A.M. Crunchwrap. Functionally, it was a success.<br />
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://farm6.staticflickr.com/5502/14605271433_eb8529eef1_o_d.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://farm6.staticflickr.com/5502/14605271433_eb8529eef1_o_d.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo by <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/jeepersmedia/" target="_blank">Mike Mozart</a>. He knows my pain. By why on earth did he get the sausage one? There was a bacon one, dude!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Inside this thing, there is a hashbrown, eggs, crumbled bacon, cheese, and some tasty orangish flavorgoo. The pocket of unmelted shredded cheese in the corner was an unwelcome surprise. The hashbrown had probably been warm at one point this morning. Bacon is tasty. I need to buy myself some orangeish flavorgoo at the grocery store. I finished it off in a couple miles. It was fine. It was exactly what I expected it to be: depressing.<br />
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Then it begins. Your body know what you did. You went to Taco Bell. Worse, you went to Taco Bell in the morning. And you aren't even hungover. Approximately 20 minutes after finishing the Crunchwrap, the nausea sets in. Not real nausea, though. You know real nausea. This was the "something's not right" feeling where you think you're going to throw up, but this isn't what it feels like right before you throw up. It's fake nausea.<br />
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Further down the system, there are rumblings. How is this possible? It's been a half hour! Food can't travel that fast! Maybe your colon knows it's got a lot of work to do soon, so we'd better clear some space. The next 20 minutes were ones I wish I had back. But afterwards, I was strangely satisfied. Like a good sneeze.<br />
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The quasi-nausea still remains. And I don't even feel like having a second breakfast this morning like I usually do. There are still rumblings somehow. I'm empty inside as far as I can tell. I fear the next 24 hours as my moment of weakness this morning causes my digestive tract to continue to become a shadow of its former self.<br />
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Overall I give it a 7/10.Timmortalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14878954894231730154noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114479696435858672.post-21837171072311055092014-02-27T17:11:00.000-05:002014-02-27T17:11:32.845-05:00The Metal Band Name GeneratorAfter reading <a href="http://www.invisibleoranges.com/2014/02/the-100-most-overused-metal-band-name-words-according-to-metal-archives/" target="_blank">The 100 Most Overused Metal Band Name Words</a>, I decided I must create a band name generator. The MATLAB code is below on the right 100 randomly generated band names are the left.
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<table cellpadding="10"><tbody>
<tr><td valign="top" width="50%"><ol>
<li>Fire Shadow Steel</li>
<li>Goat Ruin Torture</li>
<li>Throne Lost Face Evil</li>
<li>Burn Wind Circle</li>
<li>Goat Demon Suffer</li>
<li>Crypt Forest Night</li>
<li>Circle Night Nocturnal Serpent</li>
<li>Gore Raven</li>
<li>Raven Devil Infernal</li>
<li>Pain Child Stone</li>
<li>Child Satan Fear</li>
<li>Steel Night Fallen</li>
<li>Stone Blood</li>
<li>Gore Serpent Force Torment</li>
<li>Serpent Wrath</li>
<li>Ash Crypt Wrath</li>
<li>Death Torture</li>
<li>Winter Face</li>
<li>Brutal Torment</li>
<li>Force Murder Storm Ash</li>
<li>Soul Doom Torment Demon</li>
<li>Child Cross</li>
<li>Moon Spirit</li>
<li>Eternal Ash Anger</li>
<li>Wolf Goat</li>
<li>Evil Serpent Eternal Cross</li>
<li>Forest Fire Cold Evil</li>
<li>Torment Frost Forest Ancient</li>
<li>Grind Brutal</li>
<li>Head Stone Black Chaos</li>
<li>Steel Infernal</li>
<li>Wolf Doom Slave Wrath</li>
<li>Wrath Hell Divine</li>
<li>Moon Slaughter Cult</li>
<li>Dark Grace</li>
<li>Sorrow Heaven Forest Agony</li>
<li>Torment Agony</li>
<li>Necro Ruin</li>
<li>Fuck Steel</li>
<li>Rain Doom Iron</li>
<li>Funeral Torment</li>
<li>Steel Spirit</li>
<li>Circle Sick</li>
<li>Beyond Torture</li>
<li>Grind Wrath Child</li>
<li>Head Fire</li>
<li>Death Brain</li>
<li>Agony Fuck Dream</li>
<li>Demon Fuck Hate</li>
<li>Divine Grind Flesh Wind</li>
<li>Soul Brutal Forest</li>
<li>Noise Lord</li>
<li>Throne Winter</li>
<li>Cold Lord</li>
<li>Dream Funeral Slave</li>
<li>Death Serpent</li>
<li>Frost Gore Fall Hand</li>
<li>Ash Fear Death</li>
<li>Gate Shadow Dead</li>
<li>Dead Witch Thrash Ancient</li>
<li>Thrash Fuck Raven</li>
<li>Heaven Doom Fear</li>
<li>Cross Night Shadow Steel</li>
<li>Skull Hand Heaven</li>
<li>Grace Storm</li>
<li>Brain Winter Necro Dream</li>
<li>Necro Goat Evil Storm</li>
<li>Cold Soul</li>
<li>Rain Raven Cross</li>
<li>Brutal Slaughter</li>
<li>Fall Rage Winter Cult</li>
<li>Force Wolf</li>
<li>Suffer Satan Nocturnal</li>
<li>Brutal Lord War Grim</li>
<li>Hate Night Brain Divine</li>
<li>Night Fuck Serpent Rot</li>
<li>Winter Fuck</li>
<li>Stone Corpse</li>
<li>Dragon Shadow Lost Slaughter</li>
<li>Ritual Devil Agony Wrath</li>
<li>Corpse Suffer</li>
<li>Grind Torment</li>
<li>Demon Soul Dream</li>
<li>Funeral Satan Devil Ruin</li>
<li>Torture Murder</li>
<li>Morbid Dream</li>
<li>Pain Rain Grind Torment</li>
<li>Noise Burn Necro</li>
<li>Rage Wind Lord Necro</li>
<li>Brutal Dream</li>
<li>Raven Slaughter Ruin</li>
<li>Head Face Death</li>
<li>Face Brain</li>
<li>Dragon God</li>
<li>Fire Christ Brutal Goat</li>
<li>Beyond Satan</li>
<li>Cold Ritual</li>
<li>Fall Metal</li>
<li>Chaos Circle</li>
<li>Shadow Christ Morbid</li>
</ol>
</td><td valign="top" width="50%"><b><br /></b>
<b><br /></b>
<b>NOTE: For this to work correctly, you must copy the numbered list from <a href="http://www.invisibleoranges.com/2014/02/the-100-most-overused-metal-band-name-words-according-to-metal-archives/" target="_blank">the article</a> into a text file called "bandnames.txt". Also, at the time of this writing, there is no space between "43." and "Wolf". For Wolf to be used in your results, you must add the space in your text file.</b><br />
<br />
<pre>function bandnames(varargin)
%By Timmortal, Feb 2014, http://nyarlathotim.blogspot.com
%
%Syntax: bandnames generates 1 band name
% bandnames(number of band names to generate)
% ex. bandnames(20) produces 20 bandnames
%
%Generates metal band names from the list of "100" most overused metal band
%names. (Actually 102.)
if length(varargin) > 0
numBandNames = varargin{1};
else
numBandNames = 1;
end
fid = fopen('bandnames.txt');
data = textscan(fid,'%s%s%s%s%s','delimiter',' ');
fclose(fid);
bandNames = data{2};
for ii = 1:numBandNames
wordCount = randi(3,1)+1;
wordNum = 0;
go = 1;
while length(unique(wordNum)) < length(wordNum) || go
wordNum = randi([1 length(bandNames)],wordCount,1);
go = 0;
end
outputFormat = '%s';
for jj = 2:wordCount
outputFormat = [outputFormat ' %s'];
end
outputFormat = [outputFormat '\r'];
fprintf(outputFormat,bandNames{wordNum})
end
end</pre>
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Timmortalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14878954894231730154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114479696435858672.post-51934914467080746982013-05-07T10:47:00.000-04:002013-05-07T10:47:00.790-04:00Your DodgeballI watched <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0364725/" target="_blank">Dodgeball </a>again recently. All was well until I noticed the sign to the left of the Average Joe's logo:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhn34p_JkXmiaI7X6SRi0o2PetXDyjEVJzYigXmekeJtChcR-79x63tZMYUc_5e1PO7xqll_3Cw5n_1BDAq2DYtvRKfUyTOPVcaeeJF9HC20elcdCmV2ZeZER3VAgqLInfjfVgAfD3UIHnd/s1600/vlcsnap-2013-05-02-22h11m33s83.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhn34p_JkXmiaI7X6SRi0o2PetXDyjEVJzYigXmekeJtChcR-79x63tZMYUc_5e1PO7xqll_3Cw5n_1BDAq2DYtvRKfUyTOPVcaeeJF9HC20elcdCmV2ZeZER3VAgqLInfjfVgAfD3UIHnd/s640/vlcsnap-2013-05-02-22h11m33s83.png" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
"If <b>your</b> under 18?" How many people were there on that set? No one noticed? AGHAHGH.Timmortalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14878954894231730154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114479696435858672.post-1614581860805404692013-05-04T10:42:00.000-04:002013-05-04T10:42:10.619-04:00A Fraction of a Fraction<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinsTx9ttk0fEDhmpV9lzTsvVVCLjNBG7r0Xo8ORZcF8RdAGr2y1i9g5BNvVPEOWoAHAkCuGUyVrugWdCVuxTW_byHjnQ9IKiGxj3_tsSeiQxWZZ1pjYzVCoL2hEPu9StmZEOgHATLUyVps/s1600/fractions.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinsTx9ttk0fEDhmpV9lzTsvVVCLjNBG7r0Xo8ORZcF8RdAGr2y1i9g5BNvVPEOWoAHAkCuGUyVrugWdCVuxTW_byHjnQ9IKiGxj3_tsSeiQxWZZ1pjYzVCoL2hEPu9StmZEOgHATLUyVps/s320/fractions.jpg" width="320" /></a>I hate the phrase "a fraction of a fraction." A fraction of a fraction is another goddamn fraction. You're wasting my time and yours by repeating unnecessary words. And what if the fraction <em>of</em> your fraction is something greater than 1, like 9/2? Well that's several times more than your original fraction, so you have now said the opposite of what you're trying to say. Congratulations, you're an idiot.<br />
<br />
I recently heard someone say "a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a fraction." Upon hearing this, my brain exploded, leaving only brain fractions all over the place.Timmortalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14878954894231730154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114479696435858672.post-65828400050051140882012-12-25T06:00:00.000-05:002012-12-25T06:00:05.098-05:00The Santa Present Delivery Process<br />
<br />
<i>Another guest post by Destruktikon the Elder.</i><br />
<br />
<a href="http://media.heavy.com/media/2012/12/santa1.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://media.heavy.com/media/2012/12/santa1.jpg" width="317" /></a>Last Christmas I wrote about <a href="http://nyarlathotim.blogspot.com/2011/12/santa-and-coal.html">Santa's sleigh configuration</a>. This year, we're going to talk about the Naughty and Nice List. So first, let's examine what we know about the process: "He's making a list. He's checking it twice. Gonna find out who's naughty and nice..." So from this we can assume that Santa himself is the administrator of the list and the list is apparently managed in real time -- otherwise he would not have to check it twice. If there were a freeze date for list modification on say, December 22nd, the list at that date would be static and he could rely on its entries for delivery purposes. This also implies that Santa is getting real time data feeds as he's delivering presents so each child's aggregate score may be fluctuating even as Santa approaches his house or apartment. Clearly, though, once Santa is on your roof, he has to take the score as it's computed at that time. If you're doing something really, really naughty as he comes down the chimney, that won't count against you this year.<br />
<br />
The fact that he has to check it twice seems to indicate that Santa's memory is faulty or that there is a real possibility of the list changing while he's looking at it. Since Santa is really a wood spirit and wood spirits generally have good memories, we are pointed back to the probability of a highly volatile Naughty and Nice list.<br />
<br />
The determination of being naughty or nice appears to be a transactional process. For the sake of argument, lets call the atomic transactions "behavioral transactions" or B-trans. To have a positive or negative effect, the B-trans must therefor have a scalar value of either positive or negative character and that value must be proportional to the naughtiness or niceness of the behavior being assessed-- otherwise a really heinous act like burning down an orphanage could be wiped out but a relatively minor nice act, like not stepping on a petunia.<br />
<br />
Thus, there is an aggregate score a child must earn to be termed naughty or nice. Since we have all observed known naughty kids receiving presents and known nice kids getting squat, we must assume that either or both of two additional factors are considered: confidence intervals and trending.<br />
<br />
The confidence interval concept would allow a buffer zone for those whose aggregate score may be right around the naughty/nice boundary layer. How those children would be rated clearly must depend on additional factors. Probably the most reasonable is trending.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www-static.dreambox.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/santa-math-holiday-math.png" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://www-static.dreambox.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/santa-math-holiday-math.png" width="320" /></a>Trending would allow weighting for those who while right on the line between naughty and nice but who have tended to be nicer recently to be given the benefit of the doubt that they are on the road to niceness and that even though they have an aggregate score that puts them in the naughty category, they are treated as nice. Or conversely, a child who is generally nice but has been trending naughty could be categorized as naughty despite having an aggregate score that would be considered as nice.<br />
<br />
For behavioral forecast accuracy, the most reasonable approach for trending adjustments would be an auto-regressive time series analysis -- that is, a child's behavior today is most likely influenced by their behavior yesterday, and less so by their behavior the day before, etc. Thus someone who was trending nice would probably continue toward nice, and one who was trending toward naughty should probably have the snot beaten out of them.<br />
<br />
Clearly, the influence of the confidence interval and trending would only affect those children who were marginally naughty or nice. Genuinely nice children would have to do something pretty horrible to tip the scale to the naughty side; and genuinely naughty children would have to do something way out of character on the positive side to get to the nice category.<br />
<br />
Given the above, it is probably safe to assume that by mid-year, your categorization as naughty or nice is pretty well sealed. So, by extension, for those solidly on the nice list by, say October, you'd pretty much have to turn axe-murderer to flip to the naughty side. And for those solidly naughty, you'd pretty much have to turn into Mother Theresa on steroids to get to the nice side.<br />
<br />
So to all you truly nice kids out there, it's too late to anything to make the naughty kids like you. And to the naughty kids, I can tell you where to go to buy beer.Timmortalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14878954894231730154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114479696435858672.post-89625939971471074472012-12-01T14:40:00.000-05:002012-12-01T14:40:40.084-05:00Fixing the Intonation on a Crappy UkuleleSo I was in Hawai'i and I found myself in a ukulele shop, of course. I bought their cheapest, best ukulele. You can get them for $10 but they're really not meant for music. You'll have to pay several times that for one that will actually produce notes remotely close to what they should be. And when I say remotely close, that's what I mean. My ukulele (pictured below) is the cheapest playable one I could find. But of course the intonation was all sorts of wacky. Here's how I fixed it.<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGaS0PWvv_tYVnw2ldI5n-dVbyo2wiKnO955uu7Gfm6KpOcHTYPvmrCknZ5SMm1UJyObbWh61GTcWdfPZzSqpXtZOLBzdlw7f0VetEImC5mQqJA7RDms4EU4iRBfx9WqoTCS3FKn8hJ6-1/s1600/2012-12-01+13.57.08.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="162" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGaS0PWvv_tYVnw2ldI5n-dVbyo2wiKnO955uu7Gfm6KpOcHTYPvmrCknZ5SMm1UJyObbWh61GTcWdfPZzSqpXtZOLBzdlw7f0VetEImC5mQqJA7RDms4EU4iRBfx9WqoTCS3FKn8hJ6-1/s400/2012-12-01+13.57.08.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The 'uke' in question.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b>Check the Intonation</b><br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiR5Sk7_p2jmWvEF-nee6GLcB55kW71ieE4fN1X2dXMkhngU4AxN42ytCRt7pmil4-W_kV1C2pAIY3zeo_hUv-kfqynG_aVMOA4yRF380fR6f-86Bu0RRNDa5RPOWz5bzRn1_FLFMCKnrNd/s1600/2012-12-01+13.55.18.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiR5Sk7_p2jmWvEF-nee6GLcB55kW71ieE4fN1X2dXMkhngU4AxN42ytCRt7pmil4-W_kV1C2pAIY3zeo_hUv-kfqynG_aVMOA4yRF380fR6f-86Bu0RRNDa5RPOWz5bzRn1_FLFMCKnrNd/s320/2012-12-01+13.55.18.png" width="187" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">DaTuner</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
All you must do <strike>is open your eyes</strike> is tune your ukulele to a tuner. The easiest thing to do would be to get an app on your phone. I like <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.bork.dsp.datuna" target="_blank">DaTuner </a>(which is free) for Android. If you have an iPhone, you should probably just chuck it into a creek (when your contract expires) and switch to Android since Apple can't do anything right now that Steve Jobs is gone. But I digress.<br />
<br />
First I tuned the open strings. From left to right if you are looking at the front of the ukulele, it should be G, C, E, A, and my mother tells me it should sound like "my dog has fleas" if someone said it at those notes. (Apparently I come from a long line of ukulele players, which explains my uncanny desire to own one.)<br />
<br />
Next I checked the tuning of the fretted notes. If your open strings are in tune but your strings are <i>flat</i> (too low), then stop reading and go find someone else to tell you what to do 'cause I can't help you. If the strings are <i>sharp</i> (too high) by 10-20 cents, then keep reading! (If they're way sharp, you may be fretting the notes too hard. Stop drinking coffee and have a beer or something then try again.)<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWAX4wOay44DDfmwgWV9TOHOkGf9dAWOSNDV-PZJ4qYkRxXkqn7YuW8TGu1E-secvYOxnXcnfAFDWZytq-xck95_gGK_Tkhd1NeGgDNUKDI6px52FCL4plgojSKx8Fh61wWSoooI4aJ0eD/s1600/2012-12-01+13.57.32.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWAX4wOay44DDfmwgWV9TOHOkGf9dAWOSNDV-PZJ4qYkRxXkqn7YuW8TGu1E-secvYOxnXcnfAFDWZytq-xck95_gGK_Tkhd1NeGgDNUKDI6px52FCL4plgojSKx8Fh61wWSoooI4aJ0eD/s320/2012-12-01+13.57.32.jpg" width="320" /></a><b>Jam a Toothpick Beside the Nut</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<br />
Sounds painful but it worked! All I did was extend the nut by the width of a toothpick using... a toothpick. Check the tuning again of the open notes (which will all probably be sharp now so you'll have to fix them) then fret some notes and check their tuning. It was damn close for me. If it's still way off, you should probably give up because at this point you have likely put too much effort into fixing this thing. Plus, since it's a tiny instrument you will likely never get them spot on unless you get a nice ukulele made by a brand people have actually heard of.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLL_wD7jM1dn7zsQ4lAr8VFNiPRbaC7z_RvZLBFGIgeFzteEPAVZzfVqIwXFxPYfbPKUChakesiDoDHdKZlfnGVAcEKnCulSwF7G50xmZlQ7rxkd1pbLKtsQVI9wDsydOVurlj9GxDy2bp/s1600/2012-12-01+14.31.26.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLL_wD7jM1dn7zsQ4lAr8VFNiPRbaC7z_RvZLBFGIgeFzteEPAVZzfVqIwXFxPYfbPKUChakesiDoDHdKZlfnGVAcEKnCulSwF7G50xmZlQ7rxkd1pbLKtsQVI9wDsydOVurlj9GxDy2bp/s320/2012-12-01+14.31.26.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<b>Make Some Grooves</b><br />
<br />
I pulled each string (one at a time!) out of the nut and made an indentation in the toothpick with a flathead screwdriver so the string will have a harder time slipping out of the nut/toothpick combination. Then I slid the string back in place and repeated for each string.<br />
<br />
<b>You're Done! Grab a Beer!</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
It's okay. You've earned it.Timmortalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14878954894231730154noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114479696435858672.post-7523968410784246552012-10-29T22:03:00.000-04:002012-10-29T22:08:53.817-04:00*I* am the Asshole at CostCo<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1DUCK-IO2BkEH413rCsBTKE7aramnQqJZWKdastRGuQVYWIhu7bZBH6dGbJrGG7ZVKO9gNF0v1WxByTL-83gh6MBnZiYLYA-YvGcfd5j7haWkpYOmIsQDQMfnhUSQytbe2qnRyasaM-ii/s1600/welcometocostco+(1).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1DUCK-IO2BkEH413rCsBTKE7aramnQqJZWKdastRGuQVYWIhu7bZBH6dGbJrGG7ZVKO9gNF0v1WxByTL-83gh6MBnZiYLYA-YvGcfd5j7haWkpYOmIsQDQMfnhUSQytbe2qnRyasaM-ii/s1600/welcometocostco+(1).jpg" /></a>The only difference between me and all the other assholes at CostCo is that I'm doing it on purpose because I hate you.<br />
<br />
CostCo is a miserable experience that begins before you even get to the store. For me, it doesn't even begin when you get to the parking lot. It begins when I enter the quarter-mile radius surrounding the store where the asshole concentration has increased significantly over the ambient asshole levels.<br />
<br />
A typical CostCo experience goes along these lines:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<ul>
<li>You pull into the parking lot, hopeful you can get a space somewhat close to the store. As you turn into the row of your choice (it doesn't actually matter which), there is a family packing up their car and some dumbass SUV/minivan/unnecessarily large pickup in the middle of the lane with their turn signal on as if there is a worldwide parking space shortage. The vehicle waiting for the space is invariably too close to the space he's waiting for so that the person occupying the space can't possibly pull out anyway. And even if they could, they couldn't go anywhere because there is a asshole blocking the whole parking lot aisle so that nothing can get through. You look behind you to perhaps back out of this situation, but of course there are 3 cars at a minimum behind you at this point. Meanwhile, you spot at least half a dozen spaces in the adjacent rows so you begin kicking yourself the being optimistic about the parking lot. The asshole in the parking space will hasn't left. Sure he's started his car and his foot is on the brake, but he's not leaving. what the fuck is that asshole doing in there? When all hope seems to be lost and you begin to contemplate suicide, the asshole in the space finally has pulled out and eventually the obnoxiously large vehicle has finally pulled into the space (mind you, it took him a few tries) and your way is clear, so you proceed forward to get to another row to park.</li>
<li>...Except that now there are people walking in the middle of the lane, completely oblivious to the fact that there is a vehicle behind them. So you drive forward at walking pace (so slow your speedometer can't register an accurate reading) and reach the end of the aisle, where you have to turn. But you can't turn because again there are people all over the place like ants on a fucking watermelon. And woe be unto you if you choose the wrong aisle in the parking lot for your next attempt or else you'll be waiting for the next asshole to pull into a spot when there are plenty in the next row.</li>
<li>So finally you have parked and it's time to go in the store; you need a cart. But there's some asshole who has just pulled out a cart and positioned it perpendicularly to the other carts while he's on his phone or some stupid shit, effectively blocking all the carts. You politely wait for him to scamper off in the search of the savings within before you can finally get your cart. As you do, assholes with carts who have just left the store suddenly rally behind you and stop for some dumb fucking reason. What should have taken you 30 seconds on a bad day to acquire a cart has now reached several minutes!</li>
<li>Once in the store, the assholery continues. The aisles are pretty goddamn wide, so clearly every asshole in the store needs to push their cart down the goddamn middle of them with their 7 kids (or overweight spouse for the childless) taking up the rest of the way. Guess what? They're in every fucking aisle. You're fucked.</li>
<li>What's that? Free samples? Perhaps you'll find a new delicious product you didn't know about before and purchase. So you put your cart somewhere out of the way and get in the line for your free sample. A new tray of samples comes forth! Before you have your chance, the grubby unwashed hands of the masses have already captured every last morsel. Should you wait another 3 minutes for a sample? The choice is yours.</li>
<li>Now you'd like to get back to your cart, but multiple assholes have double parked their carts around yours! The aisle is practically unnavigable. Maybe suicide in the parking lot was a good option. Or perhaps homicide.</li>
<li>After bravely navigating the throngs of overweight people, unsupervised children, and self-absorbed douchebags, it's finally time to check out. When your sticker shock subsides and you collect yourself after begrudgingly paying several hundred dollars for crap you didn't need, it's time to leave.</li>
<li>...At least it would be if there weren't a dozen carts blocking and egress from the store because the owners are in line for a 50-cent hot dog while their frozen foods rapidly thaw and will hopefully give their owners relentless diarrhea for days on end. You push on through and get your receipt checked. </li>
<li>...But the fuckwit at the front of the 15-person long receipt checking line can't find it. It was handed to him barely 90 seconds ago and he fucking lost it. A courteous person would pull his cart aside to search for his receipt. But no, he is parked squarely in the middle of the lane, blocking anyone's chance of getting around him. And in all that time, you would think the next person would have their receipt ready to go, but this woman is incredibly fat and so absorbed in her hot dog it's a miracle she didn't eat the paper tray it came in.</li>
<li>Once you get your receipt checked, you could make a beeline for your car... if the person in front of you hadn't just stopped to block the exit, apparently to file the receipt into their increasingly complex pocket filing system. And how about now's a great fucking time for them to check their phone, a task that could be completed do while moving. Could, but isn't.</li>
<li>By the time you get to your car, some asshole in their dumbass SUV/minivan/unnecessarily large pickup has stopped in the middle of the lane with their turn signal on as if there is a worldwide parking space shortage, waiting for your space. You would love to leave, but guess what? They're too fucking close. When they eventually get the fucking message that you can't move until they move, you start to back out, just to slam on your brakes as a family emerges from nowhere, inches from your car and led by a gaggle of barely supervised children.</li>
<li>Eventually, you have successfully navigated the parking lot, full of people texting while driving and idiots walking down the center of the lanes. Your thoughts change slowly from suicide to grabbing a soup spoon and digging into your gallon drum of mayo.</li>
</ul>
<div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvmEvBW0i7ANRPp3H1W0R3lGqBhdb0OaQ4e0EQokUAio-MptXd5xSuuYMULvfpHWL-u7igHfQpUZl_xCjn9iigp922JHl7PbriIID_-V6Vwr3rbrGnopuUEn80PBqaHJN9JRoITU4VHnYy/s1600/idiocracy_costco.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvmEvBW0i7ANRPp3H1W0R3lGqBhdb0OaQ4e0EQokUAio-MptXd5xSuuYMULvfpHWL-u7igHfQpUZl_xCjn9iigp922JHl7PbriIID_-V6Vwr3rbrGnopuUEn80PBqaHJN9JRoITU4VHnYy/s1600/idiocracy_costco.jpeg" /></a></div>
Enough of these trips to CostCo and I stopped attempting to get around people or even acknowledging them. When I go to CostCo these days, <i>I</i> drive down the middle of the parking lot. <i>I </i>walk down the center of every aisle with my cart. <i>I </i>leave my cart in the way. <i>I</i> am the hand that comes from nowhere to steal your free sample. <i>I</i> am the one that sits in my car with the engine running and in reverse, but I'm not going anywhere for a few minutes. There's not a goddamn thing you can do about it, either, because I've taken it a step further: I'm wearing headphones. Why do I do all this? Because fuck you.</div>
Timmortalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14878954894231730154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114479696435858672.post-5303063904660468652012-10-28T22:19:00.000-04:002012-10-29T22:20:36.638-04:00Somebody Buy a Ruler for Wegmans<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Wegmans subs are made of awesome. In fact, that's the only ingredient. They taste like they were made by a unicorn riding an elephant down a river of magma while a marching band plays John Philip Sousa tunes using only cannons and guitars.</div>
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I bought a "3.5 inch" Wegmans sub a while ago. While it was delicious (and just like all those things I said up there), I couldn't help but notice it didn't <i>seem</i> like 3.5 inches of pure awesome on white bread. I got out the only thing I had on me with a consistent length: a dollar bill, which as you know is 2.61 by 6.14 inches. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuTjHlfP3RYfOsXgZkEn456J0WGCdvXBpCg8Io-K8VgekSJbfHnnvmJeBUnjVop50e5Kbx6XUud3Bp9UMnZvJ16TNOLjjSkMw9Shoio9vfKwQ0Yf6EuH9Gyi0OCZJa2aMFaEbVQa3CQrsy/s1600/2012-09-28+18.49.35.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuTjHlfP3RYfOsXgZkEn456J0WGCdvXBpCg8Io-K8VgekSJbfHnnvmJeBUnjVop50e5Kbx6XUud3Bp9UMnZvJ16TNOLjjSkMw9Shoio9vfKwQ0Yf6EuH9Gyi0OCZJa2aMFaEbVQa3CQrsy/s400/2012-09-28+18.49.35.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
This sub was not even 3 inches. Someone owe me a half-inch of awesome. Now that I've typed that I immediately regret it. Carry on.Timmortalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14878954894231730154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114479696435858672.post-11229287162642803542012-04-22T23:10:00.001-04:002012-04-22T23:10:37.649-04:00Battery PackagingWhat's wrong with battery companies? Every battery package's cardboard backing has a pull tab and perforated tear lines so that in theory you have access to every battery you just bought. But 100% of the time when you attempt to open the package, this happens:<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_Z1lZVadf5XYcENBF7mFSy-s-g34vICMzHEYJBUJ3ldLY213dNoRya8pW_i8x44nyCg0eo0KrlpCUBcDp1r7UFdfLWHGWtECSFwE4Dza0EtqUu3I0N7bxEpnjHbDGPNL_2TDUonuCXWGD/s1600/IMG_20120422_195035.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="298" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_Z1lZVadf5XYcENBF7mFSy-s-g34vICMzHEYJBUJ3ldLY213dNoRya8pW_i8x44nyCg0eo0KrlpCUBcDp1r7UFdfLWHGWtECSFwE4Dza0EtqUu3I0N7bxEpnjHbDGPNL_2TDUonuCXWGD/s400/IMG_20120422_195035.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
Why? Because the battery companies secretly hate you. They build up false hope and revel in your disappointment and frustration.<br />
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Don't let them win. Rip the batteries out any way other than the "Open here" tab and foil their evil plan.Timmortalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14878954894231730154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114479696435858672.post-66253228063987533292012-04-18T00:59:00.000-04:002012-04-18T00:59:08.913-04:00Embassy Suites is a Huge Waste of SpaceI love Embassy Suites. I get multiple rooms (hence the Suites) and free beer (hence the Embassy). But I noticed something. The vast majority of every Embassy Suites is just a big empty waste of space.<div><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibZl0psX7QpGBl95WpJ6Y_CpTDBLpEog5w5gdJoIU-cIgsgmc8Wyduif5Fx2UfZIXB7cQDv7KOAtEdxc521xmA5M1TL4v7K5ORyZgFAYHR0WUgzPuSDkANr8sQuvoixwDltJdhLBAL3DyA/s1600/embassy+suites.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibZl0psX7QpGBl95WpJ6Y_CpTDBLpEog5w5gdJoIU-cIgsgmc8Wyduif5Fx2UfZIXB7cQDv7KOAtEdxc521xmA5M1TL4v7K5ORyZgFAYHR0WUgzPuSDkANr8sQuvoixwDltJdhLBAL3DyA/s1600/embassy+suites.jpg" /></a></div><div><br />
</div><div><br />
</div><div>Embassy Suites hotels are in a square formation. The first floor has the front desk and a large square breakfast/manager's reception area. But every floor above that is just a square of rooms along the outside. This goes up about 12 stories. So you end up with the breakfast area having natural light and every room opening inward to look down on this breakfast area</div><div><br />
</div><div>Is the effect of having this cavernous space on the middle worth the money they could be making by actually building floors and putting rooms in them? I guess so.</div><div><br />
</div><div>Fuck it, I'm getting another free beer.</div>Timmortalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14878954894231730154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114479696435858672.post-23092687753789151152012-02-15T06:00:00.033-05:002012-02-15T16:52:50.435-05:00Why I *Really* Quit DivisionMy relatively brief time in Division is coming to an end on Saturday, although it felt like an eternity. Don't listen to whatever Division posted on their <a href="http://www.division-usa.com/" target="_blank">website</a> or their <a href="http://www.facebook.com/pages/Division/398438450382?ref=ts" target="_blank">Facebook page</a> about why I left the band. I had my reasons. Four of them, in fact. And here they are:<br />
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<strong>4. James Goetz.</strong><br />
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I don't know what the hell is wrong with this guy. An orange drumkit? That's not metal (unless you're October 31). It looks like he's playing a bunch of safety cones. Has anyone noticed he listens to an iPod during Division's live shows? There's a reason. He actually hates all Division songs and blasts songs he considers to be good (mostly new Dimmu Borgir and some Nile) during the shows.<br />
<br />
James's cymbals usually have cracks in them. This is not because he is an intense dummer. No, it's because James sucks so bad, the cymbals are trying to commit suicide. James also has a problem with dropping sticks. They'll do anything to get away from his terrible drumming.<br />
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<strong>3. Nick Kelly.</strong><br />
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It's a little-known fact that Nick Kelly became a frontman for the sole reason of showing off his obscure hockey jersey collection. Now you know why he can't sing. Instead of buying lessons, he for some reason bought a Calgary Hitmen jersey.<br />
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I have a long-standing rule never to trust anyone with two first names. Nick Kelly is a perfect example why. This guy plays bass in Just Wanna Play, a terrible cover band formed by a bunch of terrible musicians (see numbers 3, 2, and 1 in this list). Nick is a fantastic bass player, but he refuses to play in Division so he can openly mock whoever is their current bassist. He does this because he's that much of a dick.<br />
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Also, that's why he's leaving the band, too. Because he's a dick.<br />
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<strong>2. Dave Evans.</strong><br />
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I thought munchkins were supposed to be nice. They're not. He will not discuss the location of his pot of gold, nor will he ever answer the question "How's the weather down there?" It's awkward trying to stand next to him onstage because of the constant fear that I will trip over him.<br />
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Dave loves Mesa amplifiers to an unhealthy degree. He has repeatedly confessed that if Mesa was a dude, he would repeatedly perform "that special favor". I'm sure he has attempted to on his amp, which would explain the stains all over the back of it. It's true that Mesa amps can sound great, but not when Dave is playing through them. You can only polish a turd so much.<br />
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Dave thinks he's singing backup vocals, too, but immediately after every sound check, we have his mic muted. It's true. Not that one more terrible, off-key singer will ruin the already-terrible singing. They just gave him a mic to make him feel important. He's not.<br />
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<strong>1. Mike Blevins.</strong><br />
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"Mike" is actually short for "Methuselah". I know. I've seen his Arizona drivers license. Why Arizona? Because they don't expire for 50 years. He's only had to renew it twice. When Mike forgets to take his medication, he tends to forget what part of the song we're playing. One time, he played the opening riff for "Hunt" 78 times. He only stopped when he fell asleep.<br />
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Speaking of riffs, Mike is a human riff encyclopedia. Name any song since the Dark Ages (when Mike first learned guitar) and not only will he play it for you, but he will talk your ear off with a boring pointless story about how he met Bill Haley once. With such a wealth of musical knowledge, it's amazing that he can't come up with a single decent riff for Division to play. Have you heard Control Issues? Eugh.<br />
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I'm glad to be out of that band. I can now focus on <a href="http://www.burningshadows.com/" target="_blank">Burning Shadows</a>, whose biggest problems are the alcoholism and pervasive unwillingness to put forth any effort whatsoever. So really it's not that much different from Division.<br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">For reals, though, I'll miss playing with these guys. I had some great times and believe I have become a better musician because of my time with Division. Keep it true, guys.</span>Timmortalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14878954894231730154noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114479696435858672.post-73589820121531559612011-12-24T06:00:00.000-05:002011-12-24T06:00:10.501-05:00Santa and CoalFor Xmas, here's a guest blog by Destruktikon the Elder:<br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">OK, let's think about this:<br />
<div><br />
</div><div>Santa gives presents to good little boys and girls and leaves lumps of coal for the bad little boys and girls. But look at the configuration of the sleigh-- a well proportioned seat for the ample girthed Santa to ride in; a place for a big bag of toys. Where the heck does he keep the coal? </div><div><br />
</div><div>He makes a list and marks it with who is naughty or nice -- suggesting that the proportion of naughty children to nice children is near equal and somewhat dynamic. If there was a significant skew toward naughty or nice he would employ blacklist/whitelist procedures to make delivery planning easier. This implies that there has to be a LOT of coal because nearly half of all little boys and girls are "naughty". (This also raises the question of whether the list is maintained in real-time and if they use transactional guarantees to ensure that the integrity of the list is maintained -- but I won't go into that here -- maybe next year...)</div><div><br />
</div><div>Is there a separate just-in-time delivery process for coal? If there were and considering the volume of coal delivery required, much more Christmas lore would be directed at that system. I think we can discount the JIT coal delivery hypothesis.</div><div><br />
</div><div>Is there a supply of coal on board that we can't see? Probably not because the mass of the sleigh, toys and coal when Santa initiates his route would be considerable -- and if he's hauling coal, it would probably be for an additional power source to supplement the reindeer on the first half of the delivery route when the sleigh and cargo are heaviest. But coal must not be used for fuel or the sleigh would have a large boiler and smoke stack which is certainly not in any of the traditional images of the sleigh.</div><div><br />
</div><div>Is there coal mixed in with the bag of toys? If so, wouldn't the good children's presents be sooty and grimy from the coal? </div><div><br />
</div><div>Are there separate compartments in the bag for presents and coal? If the density of the coal is significantly different than that of the toys, that may make the bag unwieldy to manage. Also carrying a bag with a significant amount of coal into every home probably violates some local and regional ordinances.</div><div><br />
</div><div>Does he use his super Santa strength to crush the bad children's presents into black lumps? That seems especially cruel and would consume a considerable amount of energy. And it's probably not efficient to produce a toy and then crush it down into a lump just prior to delivery. (Though I admit this option appeals to me at some perverse level.)</div><div><br />
</div><div>No, I think the answer is elsewhere. Look again at the configuration of the sleigh. There is a component of the system architecture that can produce dark worthless lumps. In fact, there are eight of them (nine if you count Rudolf). So it's not coal that's being left to the naughty children...</div><div><br />
</div><div>I hope you've been good this year.</div></blockquote>Timmortalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14878954894231730154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114479696435858672.post-88098665805993713582011-12-10T21:34:00.001-05:002011-12-10T21:35:17.116-05:00Lying Scumbags At the Smithsonian's IMAX TheaterThe wife and I ventured to DC today for the sole purpose of seeing <i>Tornado Alley</i>, the movie that filmmaker/storm chaser Sean Casey has been making for the past several years. Basically, Sean Casey built the Tornado Intercept Vehicle (TIV) so he could drive into a tornado and film it. He, the TIV, and his crew have been on every season of the Discovery Channel show Storm Chasers. We've been watching the show and have really wanted to see his movie.<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpLd588iD_MIAke-lwWoyVmQXjVGDVRIB6EdwoWjhvIOkwgbVg8HMzvZs29ga1BuMXM0fKPcYuA7qFl2nJNqZ07bSBT-jddu-AG5Xn4QfWDWePUbGHnZu8U1TrlgDyFmz7fRA0jDw7nH2T/s1600/IMAX+Lie+%25231.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpLd588iD_MIAke-lwWoyVmQXjVGDVRIB6EdwoWjhvIOkwgbVg8HMzvZs29ga1BuMXM0fKPcYuA7qFl2nJNqZ07bSBT-jddu-AG5Xn4QfWDWePUbGHnZu8U1TrlgDyFmz7fRA0jDw7nH2T/s1600/IMAX+Lie+%25231.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Tornado Alley at 4:55pm! Looks good to me!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Well, this morning we checked the <a href="http://www.si.edu/imax/shows.htm" target="_blank">Samuel C. Johnson IMAX Theater webpage</a> to make sure it was playing. As you can see from the screencap, it clearly states that <i>Tornado Alley </i>was showing at 4:55pm until December 15. Today being December 10th, one would think the movie would still be showing. Seems pretty damn black and white to me that <i>Tornado Alley</i> was playing. So, we headed out to see that showing of the movie.<br />
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Now it's not an easy thing to get to the Museum of Natural History, where this IMAX theater is. We need to drive down I-95 and then ride 3 different Metro lines, each of which was single tracking, which causes huge delays. So it took a while to get there. We showed up around 4pm with plenty of time to get tickets and see the movie.<br />
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When we arrived at the museum, we saw this:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBq-Yao-53nKXhXgGZ2k0oHThxOjJ2RlT49Va833Yy6E7tUI5cqKZGN3EfebhHAZH39T_GMp8Y10v8oRr29unNWSdozbv2b1RheQ8HnX11p_wuSPkkz2aNFm5Xa2KUK3-aHELByuMS4H3Y/s1600/SAM_2253.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBq-Yao-53nKXhXgGZ2k0oHThxOjJ2RlT49Va833Yy6E7tUI5cqKZGN3EfebhHAZH39T_GMp8Y10v8oRr29unNWSdozbv2b1RheQ8HnX11p_wuSPkkz2aNFm5Xa2KUK3-aHELByuMS4H3Y/s400/SAM_2253.JPG" width="300" /></a></div><i>Tornado Alley</i> 4:55! (Those with keen eyes will notice I took this picture at 5:21pm, which was after I decided I needed evidence.) There was also a small card nearby with all the IMAX movies that were showing with <i>Tornado Alley</i> at 4:50. Close enough, but the card had been removed before I had a chance to take a picture.<br />
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When we approached the counter to get tickets for <i>Tornado Alley</i> at 4:55pm, we were presented with this:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcv5A12WX6Ib2reWlHNeWSXZzz6n-kkqHXUnp7jb9Tt2d_npaEXgFhK_xKW6F2B_azhMM3EjBTeWskNnWQT5JTJwEzchXLWPAQ5Qn9j4k3F2iQbNL6CKZgO-atzsOdkpksdWOYuk-ZXGwQ/s1600/SAM_2255.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcv5A12WX6Ib2reWlHNeWSXZzz6n-kkqHXUnp7jb9Tt2d_npaEXgFhK_xKW6F2B_azhMM3EjBTeWskNnWQT5JTJwEzchXLWPAQ5Qn9j4k3F2iQbNL6CKZgO-atzsOdkpksdWOYuk-ZXGwQ/s400/SAM_2255.JPG" width="300" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><i>Dinosaurs</i>?! I don't want to see dinosaurs! No one built a dinosaur tank to drive into the middle of a dinosaur! We complained to the manager, who basically said we should have called the theater before we left. Why the hell would I call the theater? It said in no less than 3 different places that are run by the Smithsonian that <i>Tornado Alley</i> was showing at 4:55pm on December 10, 2011. Plus, anyone who would go through the effort to check the website clearly has a specific movie in mind that they want to see.<br />
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It takes 4 seconds to update a website so this won't happen, but I guess that's too much for the Smithsonian. The girl at the counter told us we were the fifth group of people that day to complain about the change.<br />
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<i>Epilogue</i><br />
Defeated, we went to see the National Christmas Tree. What a complete failure that was, too! First of all the tree this year looks like total crap. You know the Rockefeller Center<i> </i>tree in NYC? Got that nice upside-down tornado shape in your head? Now make it wider and lumpy and asymmetrical and you have the National Christmas Tree. And for some reason, they blocked off the pathway around the tree, so you couldn't see any of the state trees for states after the letter M. We did see the Maryland tree and it was wonderful. The DC tree sucked, which was fitting because DC sucks.Timmortalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14878954894231730154noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114479696435858672.post-53317079322870473292011-12-03T14:22:00.002-05:002011-12-03T14:22:00.378-05:00A Shocking Revelation About MarioSmall Mario: 3 fingers and a thumb.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEge_SIjys0PolpJAsby8sgJlyBMo_SfunDqgNqhAuZ2jD85xlygk900vL4a-HQMjs7BzN9f0l9fi_RqI5vA1bRHnwkgf1KSm3cv99f3lmTZjwukLm9KGEUDk8GbGCNkLTY0EwW8pyjf_0bF/s1600/IMG_20111203_112301.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEge_SIjys0PolpJAsby8sgJlyBMo_SfunDqgNqhAuZ2jD85xlygk900vL4a-HQMjs7BzN9f0l9fi_RqI5vA1bRHnwkgf1KSm3cv99f3lmTZjwukLm9KGEUDk8GbGCNkLTY0EwW8pyjf_0bF/s400/IMG_20111203_112301.jpg" width="298" /></a></div><br />
Big Mario: 4 fingers and a thumb. <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg721s-KJBp7JBqLpBHJAFp3Z9aULGBV9f473vTyu-QjurkqCeCnmx_8bdEwUqlWN63hr2d4GfmGNo4z00fS8fqXvQpR6bU0tByw2omsdwq-Ego1rpudb9l1M1jvV2cdRJi7OiJukAfYrwk/s1600/IMG_20111203_112310.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg721s-KJBp7JBqLpBHJAFp3Z9aULGBV9f473vTyu-QjurkqCeCnmx_8bdEwUqlWN63hr2d4GfmGNo4z00fS8fqXvQpR6bU0tByw2omsdwq-Ego1rpudb9l1M1jvV2cdRJi7OiJukAfYrwk/s400/IMG_20111203_112310.jpg" width="298" /></a></div>Timmortalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14878954894231730154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114479696435858672.post-81654863015962236312011-11-28T20:01:00.000-05:002011-11-28T20:01:55.693-05:00Every Episode of Big O & Dukes<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSAUQJkVaugPo0yujHFwPiMIOQD2GUwWdX15fpwYvfxeyQRiKnMga-YQDFaFreqmpoKv52xRca8GG8nfNM3vcgCjVMTxk_vUUXhHeYDbSrXcyG7ZAYWvF6sTSewFD-Z2xWMBS_Vv3WTR0y/s1600/chart_1%25281%2529.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSAUQJkVaugPo0yujHFwPiMIOQD2GUwWdX15fpwYvfxeyQRiKnMga-YQDFaFreqmpoKv52xRca8GG8nfNM3vcgCjVMTxk_vUUXhHeYDbSrXcyG7ZAYWvF6sTSewFD-Z2xWMBS_Vv3WTR0y/s1600/chart_1%25281%2529.png" /></a></div>Timmortalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14878954894231730154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114479696435858672.post-37535418020261594212011-11-14T13:47:00.003-05:002011-12-03T14:27:28.075-05:00I Got an Assist at Verizon CenterYes, I <i>am</i> bragging.<br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBK5a5nw7CWbI4T1wLlbAhvHZfcaIXDY0tQEm_BionS57Dn765vgKLzDQR1xpl0cCbBjQhOTtfRmo2TwZO6Fnh1h2h5o5H31nuBkC2pxVZMd856hV3fw1rwFZPeBqYycGL9leO2FWBwtXi/s1600/6250646963_965fde1a3e_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="282" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBK5a5nw7CWbI4T1wLlbAhvHZfcaIXDY0tQEm_BionS57Dn765vgKLzDQR1xpl0cCbBjQhOTtfRmo2TwZO6Fnh1h2h5o5H31nuBkC2pxVZMd856hV3fw1rwFZPeBqYycGL9leO2FWBwtXi/s400/6250646963_965fde1a3e_o.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
Verizon Center (home of the Washington Capitals) has a promotion where a local recreational or high school hockey team can buy up a block of tickets to a game, watch the game, then play on the ice after the Caps game. The friends and family you brought along with you get to watch your game from section 100. My team, the Puck Hogs, took advantage of this deal last month.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEip_kYliQUiNLsO8mLo3dYxzlDUGmFI_-o9mgaMhyphenhyphenNAnTEYRF2lUWN5kowHq79GpFds6mnyQAIXKdW5W-5Mh1xUMKqSg2KruxOoTxtaq1QmlNlnwL1EzpKZxy0uCPCiA6M0p52BikHlBUqh/s1600/6251025310_a709388049_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="280" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEip_kYliQUiNLsO8mLo3dYxzlDUGmFI_-o9mgaMhyphenhyphenNAnTEYRF2lUWN5kowHq79GpFds6mnyQAIXKdW5W-5Mh1xUMKqSg2KruxOoTxtaq1QmlNlnwL1EzpKZxy0uCPCiA6M0p52BikHlBUqh/s400/6251025310_a709388049_o.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>Before the game started, we had to bring all of our hockey gear to the press entrance of Verizon Center. Before bringing it inside, some poor dog had to sniff each hockey bag for explosives or drugs or something. All that dog smelled was 30 different bags full of disgusting hockey gear.<br />
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We brought our bags into the basement of Verizon Center, passing by the locker rooms for the Mystics, the Wizards, the Red Rockers, and of course, the Capitals. We ditched our bags in what was basically a closet near the end of the hallway that connects to the Zamboni tunnel. Joel Ward was walking around the bowels of the arena and our Czech player had a chance to talk to his countryman, Milan Michalek.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaZsrrAqqN1RfX67xbA-8SoJ9IGvInyMb4phz74AbsHDEogzWDRqtJZJHSobUxDdwZr1lu10lsyq8r7DaFZUlbqPWOwpX4v94NNeoMshKb-iMWtYwqiYfZiPEkiTQ4-0Op8n2lld2Xn5fd/s1600/6251121640_8bac3e24a5_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="267" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaZsrrAqqN1RfX67xbA-8SoJ9IGvInyMb4phz74AbsHDEogzWDRqtJZJHSobUxDdwZr1lu10lsyq8r7DaFZUlbqPWOwpX4v94NNeoMshKb-iMWtYwqiYfZiPEkiTQ4-0Op8n2lld2Xn5fd/s400/6251121640_8bac3e24a5_o.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
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At the end of the second period, we had to meet with our Verizon Center liaison, go back into the seemy underbelly of Verizon Center, and move all of our stuff to a "dressing room", which was not exactly set up to have a hockey team get ready in. It seemed to be more of a small, all-purpose dressing room. My area was just a folding chair.<br />
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The Caps game was fine, I guess. Here's the <a href="http://capitals.nhl.com/club/recap.htm?id=2011020054">recap</a>. Caps won.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgd3yDUGl1PziNMgHKNHYbNumRuz1oBoH3rCYj6G5bus0l69Kn7QlKZKJsR7_9AaKpfJHwAkIYpUE9EGZWyGPqu0aP_pLL-Ed2j3WD1UlExwgFBWu-cp0zPwqT0RMsrnUWsrDv6k0yGlTFl/s1600/6250554361_20bd706e2e_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="285" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgd3yDUGl1PziNMgHKNHYbNumRuz1oBoH3rCYj6G5bus0l69Kn7QlKZKJsR7_9AaKpfJHwAkIYpUE9EGZWyGPqu0aP_pLL-Ed2j3WD1UlExwgFBWu-cp0zPwqT0RMsrnUWsrDv6k0yGlTFl/s400/6250554361_20bd706e2e_o.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
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At the end of the third, we once again met the liaison, and once again went to the basement to get changed.<br />
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The Puck Hogs sat on the visitor's bench; the Red Army (our opponents) sat on the Capitals bench. Despite their name, the Red Army wore white and we wore red. The bench itself is higher than at the rinks around the DC area. If I sat on the bench, my feet did not touch the ground.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghBwsjEOFLQA5iqpd1AGq06bpl-wJWby3AY82AN86ndCn4C2U048f7NqQYkX3ENim6M59hH3Hlugkp2pl4B8vHy41STigRiKcwyyRfa_rGHlIatF2WAX1PJvACpLrHXIABTfBCIvzcwz2I/s1600/6251089530_b249d3e1de_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="286" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghBwsjEOFLQA5iqpd1AGq06bpl-wJWby3AY82AN86ndCn4C2U048f7NqQYkX3ENim6M59hH3Hlugkp2pl4B8vHy41STigRiKcwyyRfa_rGHlIatF2WAX1PJvACpLrHXIABTfBCIvzcwz2I/s400/6251089530_b249d3e1de_o.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
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The ice at Verizon Center is surprisingly nice. It's well-lit, too. I didn't find any of the ads on the ice or the boards distracting at all. The biggest downside to being on the ice is that you can't see the scoreboard very easily. Maybe there was a more subtle one hiding somewhere. I repeatedly attempted to look at the TyrannoVision while on the ice to see how long I had been on my shift.<br />
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From the ice, of course, you can see every single seat in the arena. Save for a bunch of seats in Section 100, they were all empty. I can't begin to imagine what it sounds like when all the seats are full.<br />
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My assist was anticlimactic. The puck was passed to me along the boards in the neutral zone. I centered it and crashed the net. The first shot bounced off the goalie; someone else picked up the rebound and scored. Still, it was amazing to have gotten an assist in Verizon Center, the same number Andrew Gordon has gotten there. That's right, I'm just as good as Andrew Gordon.<br />
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We lost, just like the Capitals. HEY-O!Timmortalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14878954894231730154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114479696435858672.post-55013462257208185832011-10-02T08:59:00.003-04:002011-10-04T09:06:14.676-04:00Marathon StickersYou've seen them, you just may not know it. They're on just about every third or fourth SUV (and sometimes on cars, as well) in the DC area. It's one of those white oval OBX-style stickers with a number in it, usually 13.1 or 26.2, which is how many miles long a half-marathon and a marathon are, respectively. <br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSlPRADxrF75x9ana755rSdCFszvl1a1-PMFIfgMAI2LgJA-v9aYqFPlwuzT5Hn3i9DYYNxldLv8RZcEXLuAPPXOPjJphD7s8v7vfAsFffIMD-0OxnS_XZPqQKak7TZ2iBRGu8yjjtC0uw/s1600/IMG_20110929_070727.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="356px" kca="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSlPRADxrF75x9ana755rSdCFszvl1a1-PMFIfgMAI2LgJA-v9aYqFPlwuzT5Hn3i9DYYNxldLv8RZcEXLuAPPXOPjJphD7s8v7vfAsFffIMD-0OxnS_XZPqQKak7TZ2iBRGu8yjjtC0uw/s400/IMG_20110929_070727.jpg" width="400px" /></a></div><br />
They come in several variations. Usually, the numbers are in Papyrus, <a href="http://stopusingpapyrus.wordpress.com/">which is a travesty on its own</a>. Perhaps the saddest version of all:<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuBFW6kBeVHV9ZjsrWcYC0W5VABYvutWrNa_OL2bRKEF29jWZkjvbhv_S_9Tn7UQZrGd6ZoF52jmbh2Hh2KVXgxLByIRjHj22lv8i7NyOZ8Zvr-3sZv0xTG4wWCoY7PzFumWU28-VRSeoa/s1600/photo-1.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400px" kca="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuBFW6kBeVHV9ZjsrWcYC0W5VABYvutWrNa_OL2bRKEF29jWZkjvbhv_S_9Tn7UQZrGd6ZoF52jmbh2Hh2KVXgxLByIRjHj22lv8i7NyOZ8Zvr-3sZv0xTG4wWCoY7PzFumWU28-VRSeoa/s400/photo-1.jpeg" width="381px" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div>Awww did somebody run a 5k? That's like meeting a guitarist that just figured out a blues scale.<br />
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When you see these stickers, it means a few things:<br />
<ol><li>The driver of the SUV you're behind either ran, attempted to run, or makes you want to think he ran a marathon.</li>
<li><div style="text-align: left;">He wants you to think he's better than you because he ran a marathon and you didn't.</div></li>
<li><div style="text-align: left;">He's not afraid to brag about his marathon-ing, mostly due to the fact the he's a douchebag.</div></li>
</ol><div style="text-align: left;">So you ran a marathon. Big fucking deal. I don't need to know about it. You're not better than me. I have better things to do with my time than to run around all the time. Complaining to the internet about people bragging about running around and taking pictures while I'm sitting in traffic are two activities that are better than running around like an idiot. Take that sticker and shove it.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2lwqfsoBeSfZVI5vvqYbziUlANG2g-rpCptEpjr63Gng0hS8AHb33T8DP3xh3OlecIWA2UxfiX4vqUkYTnxpiBloCWl5p7Kl92YttzzDzAd5gO4pIH0wjj3bPbjnUA94drKc-OqvHtvan/s1600/IMG_20110617_191413.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="271px" kca="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2lwqfsoBeSfZVI5vvqYbziUlANG2g-rpCptEpjr63Gng0hS8AHb33T8DP3xh3OlecIWA2UxfiX4vqUkYTnxpiBloCWl5p7Kl92YttzzDzAd5gO4pIH0wjj3bPbjnUA94drKc-OqvHtvan/s400/IMG_20110617_191413.jpg" width="400px" /></a></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">A half iron man? I'm not impressed. The bike did most of the work.</div>Timmortalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14878954894231730154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114479696435858672.post-84591421688334783472011-09-30T05:55:00.004-04:002011-09-30T05:55:00.786-04:00Keebler Shat on My Childhood DreamsIt's a well-known fact that the butter-cookie-exterior-and-chocolate-fudge-interior E. L. Fudge cookies are Mankind's Greatest Achievement. Everything about them is perfect, right down to the consistency of both the cookie and the fudge creme, as well as the relative stickiness of the creme. The cookies are such a work of art that it is very easy to separate the top half of the cookie, remove the fudge creme, and make your own de facto double stuf-style cookie. Or as I call it, valhalla.<br />
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One day, the folks at Keebler (a subsidiary of Kellogg's) got a wild hair up their collective ass, and clearly in a fit of jealousy against Nabisco's Oreos (a subsidiary of Kraft), decided to steal the idea of Double Stuf-ing E. L. Fudges. If you told 10-year-old me that one day I would be eating double stuf E. L. Fudges, I would have kicked you in the shins for making up impossible shit that's too good to be true.<br />
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Now, it works on Oreos because here's the Double Stuf recipe (SPOILER ALERT!): Same cookie, twice the Stuf. Somehow, Keebler couldn't crack this code. Right off the bat, you can tell Keebler fucked it up. Behold:<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1ouKVBAoeCGnb1iLCaQD14tP7ZL51iqKUKgpQzm_ZIdx9d6sgzSEhEJ2nGfQpd1CzfBb99mVA_YoODs3weal8LFFEbj2QMYlIrzqHdl5K4SSNCpPiTxfp21Jj4ZB5vZFgCrKHC4JQJ5-i/s1600/IMG_20110906_162206.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400px" kca="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1ouKVBAoeCGnb1iLCaQD14tP7ZL51iqKUKgpQzm_ZIdx9d6sgzSEhEJ2nGfQpd1CzfBb99mVA_YoODs3weal8LFFEbj2QMYlIrzqHdl5K4SSNCpPiTxfp21Jj4ZB5vZFgCrKHC4JQJ5-i/s400/IMG_20110906_162206.jpg" width="298px" /></a></div><br />
That's not some forced perspective shit I'm pulling here. The original cookie (left) is far larger than the double stuf (right). And the double stuf (or DS, as I shall type it henceforce -- same initials as dog shit) cookie part is the wrong color. Perhaps the extra stuf in the DS will make up for it.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRpCewAqCMqfTFqEBLGuESdUrtqucV2aGF5AFxZ_bfRpFa3zT-pt9TsEW057n7I76j_EDBMsyq_UaREx30NV85bcgC7w2VGDbuOWLXR_OvOiHqFLuC0lF6P59U1czNJ3yQ0bz-lwFuJyWR/s1600/IMG_20110906_162227.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="297px" kca="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRpCewAqCMqfTFqEBLGuESdUrtqucV2aGF5AFxZ_bfRpFa3zT-pt9TsEW057n7I76j_EDBMsyq_UaREx30NV85bcgC7w2VGDbuOWLXR_OvOiHqFLuC0lF6P59U1czNJ3yQ0bz-lwFuJyWR/s400/IMG_20110906_162227.jpg" width="400px" /></a></div><br />
Why is the stuf on the DS so shiny? Why was it deposited onto the cookie differently? One taste and all is revealed: the new stuf tastes like someone took a waxy shit in my mouth. And there's not way on Odin's Midgård that there is twice the stuf on the DS than on the original. The cookie is ruined, too. It tastes a cheap knock-off Vienna Finger. It's dry, it crumbles all over the place, and doesn't taste good on its own. (Real Vienna Fingers are fine, but not when you're trying to eat a goddamned E. L. Fudge.) This cookie doesn't even taste good if you eat both the cookie and stuf together. More like double fail.<br />
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Keebler, please change the name of these cookies to "Not E. L. Fudge and Not Double Stuf: Smaller, Crumbier, Shittier"<br />
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Keebler needs to get this abomination off the market. And if they even think of fucking with the regular E. L. Fudge recipes, 10-year-old me is going to come kick the shit out of them.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Please note that "Stuf" is only capitalized when referring to Oreo-related Stuf. The E. L. Fudge double stuf stuf is not delicious and therefore does not deserve the capital letter.</span></div>Timmortalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14878954894231730154noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114479696435858672.post-26877341145071398062011-09-24T10:45:00.000-04:002011-09-24T10:45:00.354-04:00RC Cola TheoryTheory: RC Cola has exactly one truck that just constantly goes around the country fulfilling the orders of the half-dozen RC vendors nationwide.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWXybTazdUfn42iBea-9tDEihFgamNacToHPl73U1msYdPiCMwsA7eZfxZK3pu1gdSJXKsTxAWuh3_4-2oyX_UfcLWHGVI0ROeozPcVTcbxTYakFdjHGSK2WrpuXNnorCWE3oOpwEmC6NS/s1600/IMG_20110909_074348.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="298" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWXybTazdUfn42iBea-9tDEihFgamNacToHPl73U1msYdPiCMwsA7eZfxZK3pu1gdSJXKsTxAWuh3_4-2oyX_UfcLWHGVI0ROeozPcVTcbxTYakFdjHGSK2WrpuXNnorCWE3oOpwEmC6NS/s400/IMG_20110909_074348.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>Timmortalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14878954894231730154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114479696435858672.post-47302908658203876862011-09-21T17:00:00.000-04:002011-09-21T17:00:02.193-04:00The Bargain ChannelHey, I've got a great idea! Groupon... on the <i>radio</i>!<br />
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Someone actually said that at some point. And now, in Jacksonville, FL, 92.1 FM is The Bargain Channel. They basically took a bunch of no-talent, hack DJs and have them sell coupons on the air. The coupons are usually something like $75 off Al's Stump Removal. You call up the request line and buy the coupon for something like $10. The radio station makes $10 and Al honors the coupon.<br />
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I stumbled upon the station last night since I forgot my AUX cable for my MP3 player. The DJ on at the time reminded me of O'Dell from the Cutlery Corner infomercials I used to watch late at night in college. You know, <a href="http://youtu.be/ntXkuqZ2Fo4">this show</a>.<br />
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Now the DJ isn't there alone. There is always a sidekick type person helping move the show along. This other person, for some reason, has dialed in. That's right, they have one guy on a microphone and one guy on the telephone hosting the show. It makes no sense.<br />
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The hypnotizing thing about the radio station is listening to these terrible DJs attempt to entice you into buying whatever deal they have at the moment. This morning, they were selling a coupon for Beachside Seafood in Jacksonville Beach. (Quick aside: This station is on 24/7 with the same programming the entire time. Seriously.) I've been to Beachside Seafood. In fact, <a href="http://www.yelp.com/biz/beachside-seafood-jacksonville-beach#hrid:Fazk4LNKhZp2oLK485rIhg">here</a>'s my poorly written review on the place. I wouldn't go back even if I did pay $3 to get $10 off my entire order.<br />
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But I digress. Since the DJ didn't have many callers, he started to read the menu from Beachside Seafood (which, by the way isn't <i>on</i> the beach, as he repeatedly claimed). It went something like this: "Aw check it out, they got um, they got snow crab clusters and uh snow crab legs, and let's see dungeness crab, and yeah look it, uh, that crawfish platter, and mm yeah they got uh, they got uh, beer battered cheesesticks and corn nuggets, and fried pickle chips. I love those." It's like listening to a trainwreck.<br />
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The good news is that they have a Ustream channel. Unfortunately they haven't touched it in two years, but you can hear an old broadcast <a href="http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/1884460">here</a>.Timmortalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14878954894231730154noreply@blogger.com0