Why I *Really* Quit Division

My relatively brief time in Division is coming to an end on Saturday, although it felt like an eternity. Don't listen to whatever Division posted on their website or their Facebook page about why I left the band. I had my reasons. Four of them, in fact. And here they are:

4. James Goetz.

I don't know what the hell is wrong with this guy. An orange drumkit? That's not metal (unless you're October 31). It looks like he's playing a bunch of safety cones. Has anyone noticed he listens to an iPod during Division's live shows? There's a reason. He actually hates all Division songs and blasts songs he considers to be good (mostly new Dimmu Borgir and some Nile) during the shows.

James's cymbals usually have cracks in them. This is not because he is an intense dummer. No, it's because James sucks so bad, the cymbals are trying to commit suicide. James also has a problem with dropping sticks. They'll do anything to get away from his terrible drumming.

3. Nick Kelly.

It's a little-known fact that Nick Kelly became a frontman for the sole reason of showing off his obscure hockey jersey collection. Now you know why he can't sing. Instead of buying lessons, he for some reason bought a Calgary Hitmen jersey.

I have a long-standing rule never to trust anyone with two first names. Nick Kelly is a perfect example why. This guy plays bass in Just Wanna Play, a terrible cover band formed by a bunch of terrible musicians (see numbers 3, 2, and 1 in this list). Nick is a fantastic bass player, but he refuses to play in Division so he can openly mock whoever is their current bassist. He does this because he's that much of a dick.

Also, that's why he's leaving the band, too. Because he's a dick.

2. Dave Evans.

I thought munchkins were supposed to be nice. They're not. He will not discuss the location of his pot of gold, nor will he ever answer the question "How's the weather down there?" It's awkward trying to stand next to him onstage because of the constant fear that I will trip over him.

Dave loves Mesa amplifiers to an unhealthy degree. He has repeatedly confessed that if Mesa was a dude, he would repeatedly perform "that special favor". I'm sure he has attempted to on his amp, which would explain the stains all over the back of it. It's true that Mesa amps can sound great, but not when Dave is playing through them. You can only polish a turd so much.

Dave thinks he's singing backup vocals, too, but immediately after every sound check, we have his mic muted. It's true. Not that one more terrible, off-key singer will ruin the already-terrible singing. They just gave him a mic to make him feel important. He's not.

1. Mike Blevins.

"Mike" is actually short for "Methuselah". I know. I've seen his Arizona drivers license. Why Arizona? Because they don't expire for 50 years. He's only had to renew it twice. When Mike forgets to take his medication, he tends to forget what part of the song we're playing. One time, he played the opening riff for "Hunt" 78 times. He only stopped when he fell asleep.

Speaking of riffs, Mike is a human riff encyclopedia. Name any song since the Dark Ages (when Mike first learned guitar) and not only will he play it for you, but he will talk your ear off with a boring pointless story about how he met Bill Haley once. With such a wealth of musical knowledge, it's amazing that he can't come up with a single decent riff for Division to play. Have you heard Control Issues? Eugh.

I'm glad to be out of that band. I can now focus on Burning Shadows, whose biggest problems are the alcoholism and pervasive unwillingness to put forth any effort whatsoever. So really it's not that much different from Division.

For reals, though, I'll miss playing with these guys. I had some great times and believe I have become a better musician because of my time with Division. Keep it true, guys.

Santa and Coal

For Xmas, here's a guest blog by Destruktikon the Elder:

OK, let's think about this:

Santa gives presents to good little boys and girls and leaves lumps of coal for the bad little boys and girls.  But look at the configuration of the sleigh--  a well proportioned seat for the ample girthed Santa to ride in;   a  place for a big bag of toys.  Where the heck does he keep the coal?  

He makes a list and marks it with who is naughty or nice -- suggesting that the proportion of naughty children to nice children is near equal and somewhat dynamic.  If there was a significant skew toward naughty or nice he would employ blacklist/whitelist procedures to make delivery planning easier.  This implies that there has to be a LOT of coal because nearly half of all little boys and girls are "naughty".  (This also raises the question of whether the list is maintained in real-time and if they use transactional guarantees to ensure that the integrity of the list is maintained -- but I won't go into that here -- maybe next year...)

Is there a separate just-in-time delivery process for coal?  If there were and considering the volume of coal delivery required, much more Christmas lore would be directed at that system.  I think we can discount the JIT coal delivery hypothesis.

Is there a supply of coal on board that we can't see?  Probably not because the mass of the sleigh, toys and coal when Santa initiates his route would be considerable -- and if he's hauling coal, it would probably be for an additional power source to supplement the reindeer on the first half of the delivery route when the sleigh and cargo are heaviest.  But coal must not be used for fuel or the sleigh would have a large boiler and smoke stack which is certainly not in any of the traditional images of the sleigh.

Is there coal mixed in with the bag of toys?  If so, wouldn't the good children's presents be sooty and grimy from the coal?  

Are there separate compartments in the bag for presents and coal?  If the density of the coal is significantly different than that of the toys, that may make the bag unwieldy to manage.  Also carrying a bag with a significant amount of coal into every home probably violates some local and regional ordinances.

Does he use his super Santa strength to crush the bad children's presents into black lumps?  That seems especially cruel and would consume a considerable amount of energy.  And it's probably not efficient to produce a toy and then crush it down into a lump just prior to delivery. (Though I admit this option appeals to me at some perverse level.)

No, I think the answer is elsewhere.  Look again at the configuration of the sleigh.  There is a component of the system architecture that can produce dark worthless lumps.  In fact, there are eight of them (nine if you count Rudolf).  So it's not coal that's being left to the naughty children...

I hope you've been good this year.

Lying Scumbags At the Smithsonian's IMAX Theater

The wife and I ventured to DC today for the sole purpose of seeing Tornado Alley, the movie that filmmaker/storm chaser Sean Casey has been making for the past several years. Basically, Sean Casey built the Tornado Intercept Vehicle (TIV) so he could drive into a tornado and film it. He, the TIV, and his crew have been on every season of the Discovery Channel show Storm Chasers. We've been watching the show and have really wanted to see his movie.

Tornado Alley at 4:55pm! Looks good to me!

Well, this morning we checked the Samuel C. Johnson IMAX Theater webpage to make sure it was playing. As you can see from the screencap, it clearly states that Tornado Alley was showing at 4:55pm until December 15. Today being December 10th, one would think the movie would still be showing. Seems pretty damn black and white to me that Tornado Alley was playing. So, we headed out to see that showing of the movie.

Now it's not an easy thing to get to the Museum of Natural History, where this IMAX theater is. We need to drive down I-95 and then ride 3 different Metro lines, each of which was single tracking, which causes huge delays. So it took a while to get there. We showed up around 4pm with plenty of time to get tickets and see the movie.

When we arrived at the museum, we saw this:

Tornado Alley 4:55! (Those with keen eyes will notice I took this picture at 5:21pm, which was after I decided I needed evidence.) There was also a small card nearby with all the IMAX movies that were showing with Tornado Alley at 4:50. Close enough, but the card had been removed before I had a chance to take a picture.

When we approached the counter to get tickets for Tornado Alley at 4:55pm, we were presented with this:

Dinosaurs?! I don't want to see dinosaurs! No one built a dinosaur tank to drive into the middle of a dinosaur! We complained to the manager, who basically said we should have called the theater before we left. Why the hell would I call the theater? It said in no less than 3 different places that are run by the Smithsonian that Tornado Alley was showing at 4:55pm on December 10, 2011. Plus, anyone who would go through the effort to check the website clearly has a specific movie in mind that they want to see.


It takes 4 seconds to update a website so this won't happen, but I guess that's too much for the Smithsonian. The girl at the counter told us we were the fifth group of people that day to complain about the change.

Epilogue
Defeated, we went to see the National Christmas Tree. What a complete failure that was, too! First of all the tree this year looks like total crap. You know the Rockefeller Center tree in NYC? Got that nice upside-down tornado shape in your head? Now make it wider and lumpy and asymmetrical and you have the National Christmas Tree. And for some reason, they blocked off the pathway around the tree, so you couldn't see any of the state trees for states after the letter M. We did see the Maryland tree and it was wonderful. The DC tree sucked, which was fitting because DC sucks.

A Shocking Revelation About Mario

Small Mario: 3 fingers and a thumb.

Big Mario: 4 fingers and a thumb.

Every Episode of Big O & Dukes

I Got an Assist at Verizon Center

Yes, I am bragging.

Verizon Center (home of the Washington Capitals) has a promotion where a local recreational or high school hockey team can buy up a block of tickets to a game, watch the game, then play on the ice after the Caps game. The friends and family you brought along with you get to watch your game from section 100. My team, the Puck Hogs, took advantage of this deal last month.

Before the game started, we had to bring all of our hockey gear to the press entrance of Verizon Center. Before bringing it inside, some poor dog had to sniff each hockey bag for explosives or drugs or something. All that dog smelled was 30 different bags full of disgusting hockey gear.

We brought our bags into the basement of Verizon Center, passing by the locker rooms for the Mystics, the Wizards, the Red Rockers, and of course, the Capitals. We ditched our bags in what was basically a closet near the end of the hallway that connects to the Zamboni tunnel. Joel Ward was walking around the bowels of the arena and our Czech player had a chance to talk to his countryman, Milan Michalek.

At the end of the second period, we had to meet with our Verizon Center liaison, go back into the seemy underbelly of Verizon Center, and move all of our stuff to a "dressing room", which was not exactly set up to have a hockey team get ready in. It seemed to be more of a small, all-purpose dressing room. My area was just a folding chair.

The Caps game was fine, I guess. Here's the recap. Caps won.

At the end of the third, we once again met the liaison, and once again went to the basement to get changed.

The Puck Hogs sat on the visitor's bench; the Red Army (our opponents) sat on the Capitals bench. Despite their name, the Red Army wore white and we wore red. The bench itself is higher than at the rinks around the DC area. If I sat on the bench, my feet did not touch the ground.

The ice at Verizon Center is surprisingly nice. It's well-lit, too. I didn't find any of the ads on the ice or the boards distracting at all. The biggest downside to being on the ice is that you can't see the scoreboard very easily. Maybe there was a more subtle one hiding somewhere. I repeatedly attempted to look at the TyrannoVision while on the ice to see how long I had been on my shift.

From the ice, of course, you can see every single seat in the arena. Save for a bunch of seats in Section 100, they were all empty. I can't begin to imagine what it sounds like when all the seats are full.

My assist was anticlimactic. The puck was passed to me along the boards in the neutral zone. I centered it and crashed the net. The first shot bounced off the goalie; someone else picked up the rebound and scored. Still, it was amazing to have gotten an assist in Verizon Center, the same number Andrew Gordon has gotten there. That's right, I'm just as good as Andrew Gordon.

We lost, just like the Capitals. HEY-O!