Review: Taco Bell's Breakfast Crunchwrap Supreme

My Taco Bell is about 30% as clean-looking as this one.

No, I don't know what compelled me to forego edible breakfast-type food and instead go to Taco Bell, but should the same phenomenon happen to you, you should know what you're in for.

First of all, walking into a Taco Bell at 7:30AM feels like those scenes in The Walking Dead where they are scavenging for supplies by going into a long-deserted store. It's silent, but there are definitely unseen, unheard zombies lurking in the back.

Taco Bell is eerily quiet in the mornings. No other people were in the, ahem, dining room other than myself. There did not appear to be anyone in the back cooking, either. It was just empty. There was a guy pulled up to the Drive Thru window with a dead, blank look in his eye. Has he been gassed? Is the Taco Bell crew tied up in the back somewhere, disemboweled by a late night customer because they forgot to change the Baja Blast syrup?

At this point, I admitted to myself this was a mistake. Taco Bell for breakfast. And I wasn't even hungover.

As I turned to leave, an employee appeared and said she'd be right with me. Well now if I leave, things will just be awkward. And I will still be hungry. So I order. "A.M. Crunchwrap with Bacon." How far have we sunken as a society that this is something one human can say to another human?

Other employees have appeared, but the cashier is the one to fold breakfast food into a tortilla for me. It was shaped like a hexagonal football. It definitely looked Crunchwrap-ish, though. Just lopsided. Food in bag in hand, I disappeared into the night morning.

The regular (P.M.?) Crunchwrap was designed to be eaten one-handed in the car, so that is naturally what I did with my A.M. Crunchwrap. Functionally, it was a success.

Photo by Mike Mozart. He knows my pain. By why on earth did he get the sausage one? There was a bacon one, dude!

Inside this thing, there is a hashbrown, eggs, crumbled bacon, cheese, and some tasty orangish flavorgoo. The pocket of unmelted shredded cheese in the corner was an unwelcome surprise. The hashbrown had probably been warm at one point this morning. Bacon is tasty. I need to buy myself some orangeish flavorgoo at the grocery store. I finished it off in a couple miles. It was fine. It was exactly what I expected it to be: depressing.

Then it begins. Your body know what you did. You went to Taco Bell. Worse, you went to Taco Bell in the morning. And you aren't even hungover. Approximately 20 minutes after finishing the Crunchwrap, the nausea sets in. Not real nausea, though. You know real nausea. This was the "something's not right" feeling where you think you're going to throw up, but this isn't what it feels like right before you throw up. It's fake nausea.

Further down the system, there are rumblings. How is this possible? It's been a half hour! Food can't travel that fast! Maybe your colon knows it's got a lot of work to do soon, so we'd better clear some space. The next 20 minutes were ones I wish I had back. But afterwards, I was strangely satisfied. Like a good sneeze.

The quasi-nausea still remains. And I don't even feel like having a second breakfast this morning like I usually do. There are still rumblings somehow. I'm empty inside as far as I can tell. I fear the next 24 hours as my moment of weakness this morning causes my digestive tract to continue to become a shadow of its former self.

Overall I give it a 7/10.

The Metal Band Name Generator

After reading The 100 Most Overused Metal Band Name Words, I decided I must create a band name generator. The MATLAB code is below on the right 100 randomly generated band names are the left.

Fire Shadow Steel Goat Ruin Torture Throne Lost Face Evil Burn Wind Circle Goat Demon Suffer Crypt Forest Night Circle Night Nocturnal Serpent Gore Raven Raven Devil Infernal Pain Child Stone Child Satan Fear Steel Night Fallen Stone Blood Gore Serpent Force Torment Serpent Wrath Ash Crypt Wrath Death Torture Winter Face Brutal Torment Force Murder Storm Ash Soul Doom Torment Demon Child Cross Moon Spirit Eternal Ash Anger Wolf Goat Evil Serpent Eternal Cross Forest Fire Cold Evil Torment Frost Forest Ancient Grind Brutal Head Stone Black Chaos Steel Infernal Wolf Doom Slave Wrath Wrath Hell Divine Moon Slaughter Cult Dark Grace Sorrow Heaven Forest Agony Torment Agony Necro Ruin Fuck Steel Rain Doom Iron Funeral Torment Steel Spirit Circle Sick Beyond Torture Grind Wrath Child Head Fire Death Brain Agony Fuck Dream Demon Fuck Hate Divine Grind Flesh Wind Soul Brutal Forest Noise Lord Throne Winter Cold Lord Dream Funeral Slave Death Serpent Frost Gore Fall Hand Ash Fear Death Gate Shadow Dead Dead Witch Thrash Ancient Thrash Fuck Raven Heaven Doom Fear Cross Night Shadow Steel Skull Hand Heaven Grace Storm Brain Winter Necro Dream Necro Goat Evil Storm Cold Soul Rain Raven Cross Brutal Slaughter Fall Rage Winter Cult Force Wolf Suffer Satan Nocturnal Brutal Lord War Grim Hate Night Brain Divine Night Fuck Serpent Rot Winter Fuck Stone Corpse Dragon Shadow Lost Slaughter Ritual Devil Agony Wrath Corpse Suffer Grind Torment Demon Soul Dream Funeral Satan Devil Ruin Torture Murder Morbid Dream Pain Rain Grind Torment Noise Burn Necro Rage Wind Lord Necro Brutal Dream Raven Slaughter Ruin Head Face Death Face Brain Dragon God Fire Christ Brutal Goat Beyond Satan Cold Ritual Fall Metal Chaos Circle Shadow Christ Morbid

NOTE: For this to work correctly, you must copy the numbered list from the article into a text file called "bandnames.txt". Also, at the time of this writing, there is no space between "43." and "Wolf". For Wolf to be used in your results, you must add the space in your text file. function bandnames(varargin) %By Timmortal, Feb 2014, http://nyarlathotim.blogspot.com % %Syntax: bandnames generates 1 band name % bandnames(number of band names to generate) % ex. bandnames(20) produces 20 bandnames % %Generates metal band names from the list of "100" most overused metal band %names. (Actually 102.) if length(varargin) > 0 numBandNames = varargin{1}; else numBandNames = 1; end fid = fopen('bandnames.txt'); data = textscan(fid,'%s%s%s%s%s','delimiter',' '); fclose(fid); bandNames = data{2}; for ii = 1:numBandNames wordCount = randi(3,1)+1; wordNum = 0; go = 1; while length(unique(wordNum)) < length(wordNum) || go wordNum = randi([1 length(bandNames)],wordCount,1); go = 0; end outputFormat = '%s'; for jj = 2:wordCount outputFormat = [outputFormat ' %s']; end outputFormat = [outputFormat '\r']; fprintf(outputFormat,bandNames{wordNum}) end end