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Thursday, June 4, 2015

10 Things We Should Do To Clickbait Headline Writers (You Won't Believe #7. And #9 Made Me Cry)


1. Round them all up. This won't be hard. They are the definition of lazy.

2. Begin the march. It's exceedingly easy to write article like this because you don't need to worry about flow. It's just numbers and maybe a blurb and a photo.

3. Break the ankles of those at the front. If you're BuzzFeed, you don't even have to worry about whatever the title of the article was when you're adding things to the list.

4. Whip those in back. If you've clicked on the link, their job is done. It doesn't matter what the page says.

5. Force them onto the boat. Any time I see an headline like this on Facebook, that's the end of our friendship.

6. Deposit them on an island with no food source. The occasional times I see someone posting a link to this type of shit and I don't unfriend them, I will subvert the headline's intent if I am able to. "You won't believe what this dog did to these children! (It made me cry!)"

7. Introduce leprosy to the island. Simply Google whatever the fuck it is, find an image, and post it as a comment.

8. Film their eventual demise. So now, no one has to click on the article. No one clicks the link.

9. Show the footage to their families. Hopefully it all goes away. The point of this shit is to make you click on the link. It's content farming. Don't click the links.

10. Write their eulogies in the format they perpetuated. The authors should be shamed and the websites shouldn't be patronized. But of course it's becoming more and more prevalent because everyone is a fucking moron and clicks on the links anyway.

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