Atlanta Loses Another Team to Canada

Canadians: If you want more Canadian hockey teams, lobby for another Atlanta team in your spare time.

Earlier today, Atlanta lost its second NHL team to Canada. In fact, the only two teams in League history to move from the US to Canada have both been from Atlanta: the Atlanta Flames became the Calgary Flames in 1980, and now the Atlanta Thrashers are going to Winnipeg.

Winnipeg's former team, the Jets, moved to Phoenix to become the Phoenix Coyotes. For a while, it seemed they would be the ones to move to Winnipeg. At that point, it would have made sense to call the "new" Winnipeg team the Jets again. But now I'm torn. Should they remain the Thrashers? And what is a "thrasher" exactly?

I don't think calling them the Jets is completely out the window. But consider this: according to the deal, the AHL team currently in Winnipeg, the Manitoba Moose, are moving to St. John's, Newfoundland and Labrador. I think the Thrashers should seriously consider becoming the Winnipeg Moose (or Manitoba Moose if you like the alliteration) and use the greatest team logo ever:

Niagara Falls

In response to "The Canadian side of Niagara Falls is prettier," I once heard someone say "That's because you're looking at America!"

Guess what? It turns out it's mostly because you're looking at Canada.


View Larger Map

As you can see, the cliff that creates Horseshoe Falls is about 60% in Canada. Plus the majority of the water falls into Canada. So, obviously this victory goes to Canada.

But don't feel bad. Northeast of Horseshoe Falls is the American Falls, so-named because it's located entirely within America. Also, it sucks so bad that they have to light it up with colors at night to get people to look at it. And even then, you're only looking at it because Horseshoe Falls is so awesome you needed a break from it.

Canadian Cities & NHL Teams

Every year there's talk of relocation of struggling NHL teams. Typically the hope is that teams such as the Phoenix Coyotes, the Atlanta Thrashers, or the Florida Panthers will move to Canada to replace the teams it has lost in the last 20 years.

One argument I've heard is that the Canadaian cities just aren't big enough to have a team that would be financially successful in the today's NHL. But how big are these cities, exactly?

Let's skip the 5 largest cities in Canada (Toronto, Montréal, Clagary, Ottawa, and Edmonton) because they already have teams, as well as the 6th largest city, Mississauga, because it's smashed up next to Toronto.

The 7th largest city in Canada is Winnipeg, with a population* of 633,451. Winnipeg used to be home of the Jets, who became the Phoenix Coyotes in 1996.

The 8th largest city in Canada is Vancouver, and it is the home of the Canucks, so we shall skip it.

The 9th largest city in Canada is Hamilton, population 504,559. There have been annual efforts by Canadian billionaire Jim Balsillie to move teams here and it's easy to see why. There are 4 other NHL teams withing driving distance from Hamilton. There is no way a team here wouldn't be successful. Too bad the NHL owners all hate Balsillie.

And finally the 10th largest city, and last one with any hope of getting an NHL team, is Québec City, with a population of 491,142.

Winnipeg, Hamilton, and Québec City all have populations larger than a lot of US cities, such as Miami, FL (433,136**); Raleigh, NC (405,612); St. Louis, MO (356,587); Tampa, FL (343,890); Anaheim, CA (337,896); Pittsburgh, PA (311,647); and Buffalo, NY (270,240), all cities with NHL teams. In fact, Winnipeg has more people in it than Denver, Nashville, DC, and Atlanta (and almost as many people as there are in Baltimore).

So, if all other things were equal, then why the hell aren't these teams moving to Canada? Because all other things aren't equal, sadly. For starters, the populations don't include metropolitan areas. Furthermore, Canadians are generally poorer than Americans. Then there are TV contracts, travel costs, etc, etc, etc. But damnit, let's get some teams moved back up to Canada.

*Canadian populations as of 2006

**US populations as of 2009

It's Canada Day!

I'll keep it short and sweet this year. Let's see what people want to know about Canadians:

Apparently, Canadians are nice rude weird stupid canucks that are scared of the dark. Scared of the dark? Really?? Who actually thinks that?

Happy Canada Day!

Now everyone head over to www.zombiemetal.com and get the Hail to Canada EP!

Canadian New Year's Trip

Day 1: Driving & Niagara Falls

Basically nothing eventful happened on the drive up. When we got to Niagara Falls, NY, we found a snow park thing. It had tubing, "ice" skating, and mini golf.

The snow park's mini golf was awful. However, it inspired us to invent speed mini golf. Whoever gets the ball(s) in the hole gets the point. Futhermore, you play with twice as many balls as players. So, there is obviously a fair amount of strategy/cheating involved.

The "ice" rink was actually not ice at all. It was a plastic resin developed my Mitsubishi, which makes for an extremely lame iceless skating rink. It's just like a real ice rink, only not fun whatsoever. You still wear ice skates on it, but you can't get going very fast and the seams in the panels can pretty much catch your skate and kill you.

The tubing was amazing. It was basically just like one of those long slides, only it was covered in ice. There was a "carpet-style" conveyor belt up to the top, so no climbing was involved.

We got to Niagara Falls, ON after sunset. We went to the Clifton Hill area, which is where all the touristy things are. Basically it's like Canada vomited on itself and put up lots of shiny, blinky lights to keep the Americans out of the real Canada. It was pretty atrocious. We had some Boston Pizza then walked down to the falls.

Now, everyone knows that the American Falls suck and the Canadian falls (Horseshoe Falls) are amazingly spectacular. The one nice thing about the American falls is that since they aren't huge and gigantic, there's no mist, so they can light them all neat-like. (They do this with the Canadian falls too but you can't really see it.)

Day 2: Niagara Falls & Toronto

We went to see Horseshoe Falls. They were pretty neat, only there were too damn many tourists. It was nearly impossible to see all of the falls because of the mist.

After a lunch of Mr. Sub, we went to an indoor aviary/reptile thing.

Then we went to the Whirlpool, which would've been cooler if the cable car that goes over it were operating.

Once in Toronto, we went to Dundas Square then ate at a pub called Elephant & Castle. I got a roast beef stuffed Yorkshire pudding. Then we briefly went to the CityTV New Year's Eve Party thing at Nathan Phillips Square next to City Hall. There were some crappy bands and outdoor skating there. It was lame so we went back to the hotel and watched the Corner Gas marathon on the Comedy Network, then watched the Toronto countdown.

Day 3: More Toronto

After a breakfast from Tim Horton's, we went to High Park, where there is a small zoo. There were llamas, yaks, bison, deer, goats, and too many kids. After that we went ice skating at the outdoor ice rink in the park.

Pretty much everything was closed, including Canadian Tire and the grocery stores.

We tried to go to Smoke's Poutinerie for dinner, but it was closed. Eventually, we decided to hit the Fox & Fiddle (or was it Fiddle & Fox) for dinner. Afterward, we went up the CN Tower. There, I discovered my camera lets me control a lot more things that I thought it did. We spent quite a while up there and learned some interesting facts about the CN Tower. For example, the tower is hollow in the middle, so it was used for the world's longest egg drop! Awesome.

Day 4: Even More Toronto & Binghamton, NY

In the morning we went to all the places that we had been meaning to get to, but were closed. I bought some hockey stuff at Canadian Tire; I got some Pepsi with real sugar from Loblaws; I got some Mars bars.... Tim Horton's for breakfast and Mr. Sub for lunch were good ways to bid farewell to Canada.

We got to Binghamton and attempted to look for some nightlife or some goings on or anyone at all out on the streets. We were not the least bit impressed. Wegmans is about the only thing Binghamton has going for it.

There was still a bit of evening left, so we headed up to Syracuse to see what a real NY State city should be. And it was covered in snow, so I was happy.

Day 5: Driving Home

The drive back was windy and cold. It was fine until about Harrisburg, PA, where suddenly all the snow disappeared and everyone started driving like assholes.

Toronto Trip

Day 1 - Driving
I originally was going to Hamburg, Germany, then Boston, MA. New York proposed a solution:

I missed the exit, so instead I went to Toronto.

The first order of business was to get myself a new camera, since my old one decided it didn't like to focus. So, once in Canada, I went to FutureShop. FutureShop is Canada's version of Best Buy (in fact, it's owned by Best Buy). They sell the same type of stuff, only the staff is friendly and knowledgeable and when you leave you're not angry.

I got to my hotel and discovered there's a bottle opener in the bathroom!

And a Fuck Safe.

Since strikes seem to follow me everywhere I go, Toronto's city workers were on strike, especially the garbagemen.

Day 2: Kensington Market, Kitchener, Guelph, and Second City
On my way to Kensington Market, I found what appears to be authentic Canadian grafitti.

I went by where Planet Kensington was, where RVG:TZM played in 2005, only to discover it had been turned into a burger place.

Next, I drove about 100km west to Kitchener to go to a metal store. To balance the universe I did something very unmetal: I went to the park.

Next I went to a guitar store and a hockey shop in Guelph. Then I returned to Toronto. After dinner, I went to see Second City.

I was given a front row seat. They had a ton of hilarious sketches. There was one when a guy was explaining a rap song to two old men about doing a "Superman" where you cover your beloved in man-mustard, then cover her in the sheet so it sticks to her back and thus looks like a cape. So they explained "JFK'ing a ho" in which you get a convertible and release some knuckle children in her face, which causes her to go back and to the left. If you're really feeling saucy, you can get a "second shooter." They also had a skit about a Fox News show that included a "Pussy Alarm" that was repeatedly set off by the NDP representative on the show. The whole show was amazing, and it was followed by a bunch of improv. Oh, yeah and if you go out the wrong door of Second City, you're in Wayne Gretzky's restaurant, which I went to last time I was in Toronto!

Day 3: Shopping, the suburbs, and METAL

I woke up to find that the garbage strike was over!

In the morning, I went down to the Hockey Hall of Fame (which I went to the day before, but they were closed) to pick up a Kazakhstan jersey. I was pretty close to getting it when I was in Ottawa, but I didn't. I regretted it ever since.

I came back to the hotel, got my car, and headed into the suburbs. I went to FutureShop to get DVDs of any Canadian shows I could find. I got the first season of Corner Gas, which is pretty damn ultra-Canadian. I couldn't find the Red Green show or Royal Canadian Air Farce, though. Then I went to the grocery store, which was in a mall! These Canadians have some strange traditions!

Later that day I went to Yonge-somethingorother Square. It's like a clean version of Times Square.

It included attractions such as Dueling Dummers, Crazy Jesus People, one of those living statue guys, Crazy Guy in a Straightjacket...

... and of course, Fork Ruiner Guy.

In the subway, there was a freakin bassoon player! I never thouoght a bassoon player would ever need to do this!

Later I went to Metal Night at Disgraceland and spoke to some metal people.

Day 4: The Drive Back

It was long and boring.

The End.

Happy Canada Day

Usually on Canada Day, I extol the virtues of Canada.

This time, I will just provide you a link to Recently Vacated Graves: True Zombie Metal's newest release, the Hail to Canada EP!

It will only be available for download on Canada Day so get it quick!

HAIL TO CANADA