Review: Taco Bell's Breakfast Crunchwrap Supreme

My Taco Bell is about 30% as clean-looking as this one.

No, I don't know what compelled me to forego edible breakfast-type food and instead go to Taco Bell, but should the same phenomenon happen to you, you should know what you're in for.

First of all, walking into a Taco Bell at 7:30AM feels like those scenes in The Walking Dead where they are scavenging for supplies by going into a long-deserted store. It's silent, but there are definitely unseen, unheard zombies lurking in the back.

Taco Bell is eerily quiet in the mornings. No other people were in the, ahem, dining room other than myself. There did not appear to be anyone in the back cooking, either. It was just empty. There was a guy pulled up to the Drive Thru window with a dead, blank look in his eye. Has he been gassed? Is the Taco Bell crew tied up in the back somewhere, disemboweled by a late night customer because they forgot to change the Baja Blast syrup?

At this point, I admitted to myself this was a mistake. Taco Bell for breakfast. And I wasn't even hungover.

As I turned to leave, an employee appeared and said she'd be right with me. Well now if I leave, things will just be awkward. And I will still be hungry. So I order. "A.M. Crunchwrap with Bacon." How far have we sunken as a society that this is something one human can say to another human?

Other employees have appeared, but the cashier is the one to fold breakfast food into a tortilla for me. It was shaped like a hexagonal football. It definitely looked Crunchwrap-ish, though. Just lopsided. Food in bag in hand, I disappeared into the night morning.

The regular (P.M.?) Crunchwrap was designed to be eaten one-handed in the car, so that is naturally what I did with my A.M. Crunchwrap. Functionally, it was a success.

Photo by Mike Mozart. He knows my pain. By why on earth did he get the sausage one? There was a bacon one, dude!

Inside this thing, there is a hashbrown, eggs, crumbled bacon, cheese, and some tasty orangish flavorgoo. The pocket of unmelted shredded cheese in the corner was an unwelcome surprise. The hashbrown had probably been warm at one point this morning. Bacon is tasty. I need to buy myself some orangeish flavorgoo at the grocery store. I finished it off in a couple miles. It was fine. It was exactly what I expected it to be: depressing.

Then it begins. Your body know what you did. You went to Taco Bell. Worse, you went to Taco Bell in the morning. And you aren't even hungover. Approximately 20 minutes after finishing the Crunchwrap, the nausea sets in. Not real nausea, though. You know real nausea. This was the "something's not right" feeling where you think you're going to throw up, but this isn't what it feels like right before you throw up. It's fake nausea.

Further down the system, there are rumblings. How is this possible? It's been a half hour! Food can't travel that fast! Maybe your colon knows it's got a lot of work to do soon, so we'd better clear some space. The next 20 minutes were ones I wish I had back. But afterwards, I was strangely satisfied. Like a good sneeze.

The quasi-nausea still remains. And I don't even feel like having a second breakfast this morning like I usually do. There are still rumblings somehow. I'm empty inside as far as I can tell. I fear the next 24 hours as my moment of weakness this morning causes my digestive tract to continue to become a shadow of its former self.

Overall I give it a 7/10.

Unsweeted Sweet Tea?

Popeye's has "Cane Sweeeet" Iced Tea. But it comes in sweet and unsweet. It's not "Cane Sweeeet" then, is it?

Double Down

Yeah, I'm all late about posting something about a KFC Double Down. I had it over a week ago, so at least my actions were timely.

Anyway, what can you say about a breadless sandwich put together by people who spell the word "down" with 5 letters?

Well, just this: it was simultaneously amazing and horrifying! It tasted fantastic, but about halfway through my heart hurt. I didn't finish it. It was also pretty damn salty. I would say skip it and get a salad, if fast food salads weren't as bad or worse for you than a Double Down. (Although I'm a bit skeptical of the numbers.)

A Day's Worth of Food Entirely in Fry Form!

At Burger King, you can get an entire day's worth of food completely in French Fry form!

Let's say you stumble out of bed around 9:45 AM, leaving you just enough time to get to Burger King for breakfast. You can get a large order of French Toast Sticks - french toast in french fry form!

By the time you're done, you can get right back in line and order lunch: a large BK Chicken Fries and a large fries! Delicious! Of course, you will need BBQ and honey mustard to go with them.

When you're finished with you meal, you know that there just has to be something else you can eat in french fry form. Why, Funnel Cake Sticks are a perfect dessert!

If you can manage to get home and pass out for the rest of the day, you will have eaten 1 day's worth of food entirely in french fry form!

The nutrition facts for this delicious meal:

• 1930 calories
• 92g fat (138% DV)
• 18g saturated fat (90% DV)
• 0g trans fat
• 75mg cholesterol (25% DV)
• 237g carbs (76% DV)
• 71g sugar
• 41g protein
• 3700mg sodium (157% DV)

On a related note, Burger King's Menu and Nutrition page is pretty sweet.

Secret Menu Items

From Mental Floss: 10 Secret Menu Items

Here's the one that frightens me:

5. If you’re at Wendy’s and you’re really hungry – like, three-patties-just-won’t-cut-it hungry, go ahead and order the Grand Slam, which is four patties stacked on a bun. It’s also known as the Meat Cube. Gross.

"Meat Cube"? Oh god!

At In 'n' Out, you can get "the Flying Dutchman, which is two slices of cheese sandwiched between two patties, hold the bun." Now I know where the inspiration for KFC's Double Down came from.

Easily, though, the best one is:

At Fatburger, you can order a Hypocrite – a veggie burger topped with crispy strips of bacon.

KFC's Double Down

KFC's Double Down is the LAST thing this country needs.

Basically it's a bacon and cheese sandwich, only instead of a bun, it's TWO CHICKEN FILETS.

When I first heard about this, I thought it was a joke.

At least it can't get worse...


NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooo!

Food, Inc.

Official Trailer:


This movie is fantastic. It's loosely based on Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser and The Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan. It does a fantastic job summarizing both books in 90 minutes. (By the way, go read those books.) Oh yeah, and both Pollan and Schlosser produced and appear in it.

The movie is divided into 3 major segments:

1. Factory Farming (Meat)
   
2. Intensive Farming (Grain)
   
3. The Evils of the Major Food Companies and Their Economic and Political Power

The film ends with tips on how to break the cycle and avoid being a part of the system that is slowly killing us all economically, environmentally, and medically.

10 Healthiest "Fast Food" Places Article: Why news is stupid

10 Healthiest Fast Food Restaurants - from WBBM in Chicago

They are:

1. Pantera Bread


2. Jason's Deli


3. Au Bon Pain


4. Noodles and Company


5. Corner Bakery Café


6. Chipotle


7. Atlanta Bread


8. McDonald's


9. Einstein Bros.


10. Taco Del Mar

This article is all kinds of stupid. So, here we go:

First of all, Pan(t)era Bread, Jason's Deli, Au Bon Pain, Noodles and Company, Corner Bakery, Atlanta Bread, and possibly Einstein Bros, are all NOT fast food. They are what the soulless corporate restauranteurs call quick casual. When I worked at Pei Wei, they made a big deal to the cashiers that we identify the restaurant as quick casual and not fast food or even a casual restaurant. Fast food places are like McDonald's and Popeyes. You order at a counter, the food is not necessarily made-to-order, and there is no table service. And it's cheap. Casual dining is like TGI Friday's or Applebees (ugh). At casual restaurants, you sit down, there is a waiter (unless it's Chutzpah, then they just say there's a waiter), and you don't have to dress in a tuxedo and wipe your mouth with $100 bills. As the name implies, quick casual is the ground between fast food and casual. Some have some kind of table service. At Pei Wei, for instance, you order at a counter, then have a seat and your food comes to you. So it is with most of the places on their "fast food" list.

So, now we have the list down to 3 places, McDonald's, Taco Del Mar, and Chipotle.

I guess I have nothing to really complain about Chipotle and Taco Del Mar, the latter of which I have never been to. Yeah, they do healthy-ish stuff I guess. Good work. Who cares?

Now finally we're at the elephant in the room: McDonald's. The article says:

Among the big burger-based chains, McDonald's is leading the way in overhauling its menu to offer more heart and waist-friendly fare. Take the Happy Meals, which you can order with a side of apple dippers (with low-fat caramel) instead of fries and low-fat milk or fruit juice instead of soda. And if you have to have fries, McDonald's are made in a healthy canola-blend oil and come in at just 230 calories for a small. The Grilled Chicken Classic sandwich and wraps are healthy choices, too (just skip the mayo or sauce). And our whole panel commends McDonald's for spelling out the nutritional information right on the back of its tray liners.

:deep breath:

I'm sure ANY fast food restaurant is fine IF YOU GET A KIDS MEAL. Especially if you eat FRUIT instead of FRIES. But it's okay because the fries cooked in healthy-ish oil. (Note the phrase canola-blend in the article.) Oh yeah and as long as you make adjustments you can eat the gilled chicken, too... JUST LIKE ANYWHERE ELSE. Oh and if all you have is a SNACK-SIZED ITEM it's healthy, too!

Oh and kudos for printing your nutritional info on the tray liners (not to mention on the bottom of the sandwich boxes and back of the fry containers). You know, by the time you see the nutritional info, IT'S TOO LATE! You've already ordered!

So, why did they put McDonald's on the list? To get people to go "holy fuck, read this article! It says McDonald's is healthy." And then you read the article. This is a common tactic with top ten-style "news" "articles." They will always put one more or less outrageous one in there to generate a buzz and get people to refer others to the article and talk about it.

Shit, it worked.

Well anyway, someone let me know when they find the other 7 healthy places. I have a few suggestions: Wendy's (if you get a kid's meal and don't finish it), Burger King (if you have them hold the mayo, cheese, and burger, and you don't finish your fries), KFC (you can't gain any calories if you've thrown it up, can you?), Quiznos (because subs are always healthy, right?)....