Muscular Tommy Pickles From Rugrats Looks Strikingly Like Ralf Scheepers From Primal Fear.

Muscular Tommy Pickles:

Ralf Scheepers:

Bobby Flay is a Total Douchebag

I've said it for years. Bobby Flay is a douchebag. Fuck him. Fuck his shows.

Bobby Flay mixing a cocktail with roofies in it. Total douchebag.

Bobby Flay is a high school dropout who took up Southwestern cuisine as his specialty. That's right, Southwestern, the easiest of all cuisines because nothing fucking grows in the desert. It's all 5 ingredients. The same 5 ingredients. Big fucking accomplishment mastering Southwestern cuisine, you douchebag.

So he gets involved with the Food Network. Oh shit you have to be a skilled chef to get a cooking show right? Not if you're Bobby Flay. His cooking show is all about grilling. Yep, the easiest cooking method there is. Just throw shit on the grill and maybe turn it once while drinking your beer. Done. You're a grillmaster.

But then suddenly Bobby Flay became Master of Everything Ever. Between Throwdown! with Bobby Flay and Beat Bobby Flay, he is determined to beat you at your life's work. He swoops into town, goes to a local joint that is supposed to be the best at something, then decided the owner is shit and he can beat them with no effort at the thing they've spent their entire career doing. Fuck you, Bobby Flay. That is a tremendously douchebag concept for a show or two.

Ever been to Bobby's Douchbag Burger Palace? He's so much of a douchebag, there is no vegetarian option. Even Five Guys will make you a grilled cheese (i. e. a burger without the meat). But no, fuck you if you don't eat meat. Have a salad, that's all you eat anyway.

Fuck Bobby Flay.

Jon Arbuckle's Feet

Recently, I've been watching old episodes of Garfield and Friends, which originally ran from 1988 to 1994 on Saturday mornings. Some of it just doesn't hold up these days, especially the musical numbers about self esteem and such. Anyway, I noticed something pretty disturbing in one episode:

Jon Arbuckle only has 3 toes per foot.

You will never unlearn this fact.

Simpsons Predictions for 2010

Remember that Simpsons episode where the fortune teller shows Lisa her future and she meets that Hugh guy? Well apparently that took place in 2010. Let's see what they got right:

The Simpsons's 2010 Predictions
Simpsons' Prediction	Reality?
Holographic trees in memory of real trees	Nope.
Soy-based snacks (Soy Pops)	Yep.
Robot librarians	Does Kindle count?
Jim Carrey having starred in 40 films	No. Only 33.
Rolling Stones "Steel Wheelchair Tour"	They announced in January 2010 that they would not tour in 2010, despite the rumors.
quint-planes	Nope.
Digitized Big Ben clock (flashing 12:00)	Nope.
Communicator watches	Do smartphones count?
Video phones (rotary)	Yep.
Robotic nuclear power plant employees	Nope.
Digital fridge	Yep.
33% higher nuclear capacity (if the fourth cooling tower at SNPP is indicative of the entire nation)	Surprisingly, kinda. Our nuclear capacity has increased since 2000.
Pepsi-sponsored education	Eh, not really.
Virtual classrooms	Sure. There are online college-level classes.
1500 cable channels	The numbers on my TV go past 1000, so I'd say it's close enough.
Prince had several more name changes	Yes.
Virtual pool/darts	Does Wii count?
Fox became a hardcore sex channel	Close enough.
6-eyed fish	Not yet.

Not bad, TV. Not bad.

Festivus

I hope everyone is having an adequate Festivus!

I Was on HBO!

My lovely fiancée and I were on the first episode of HBO 24/7 Presents NHL Hockey Penguins vs. Capitals.

I'm the blue blob in the top left corner. That's right, I was at a Caps game wearing my Leafs jersey. Give me a break. I only get to wear it twice a season. The lovely fiancée is the reddish smudge to the right of me.

Holiday Simpsons Episodes

If Fox ever makes a calendar, I won't buy it. Judging by the dates they air Simpsons episodes, their calendars are all kinds of wrong. Observe the table below:

Holiday	Date of Holiday	Associated Simpsons Holiday Episode	Date Aired	Days from nearest Sunday to Holiday
Halloween	Sun Oct 31, 2010	Treehouse of Horror XXI	Sun Nov 7, 2010	7 days earlier
Xmas	Sat Dec 25, 2010	The Fight Before Christmas	Sun Dec 5, 2010	21 days later
New Year's Day	Sat Jan 1, 2011	Donnie Fatso	Sun Dec 12, 2010	21 days later

The first Simpsons episode ever ("Simpsons Roasting On an Open Fire") was an Xmas episode. It aired 8 days before Xmas 1989.

The first Treehouse of Horror was aired 6 days before Halloween 1991. Airing the Halloween episode 7 days late I could understand if Halloween hadn't fallen on a Sunday (regular air day for The Simpsons) this year! In fact, the Treehouse of Horror episodes have been showing after Halloween for years now! It has to stop.

Furthermore, it's mind-blowing that the Xmas and New Year's episodes are on  3 full weeks before the holiday.

Get your act together, Fox, and stop ruining The Simpsons.

TLC Sucks

What the hell is TLC's problem? They can't come up with a single idea of their own. Most of TLC's shows are bad versions of fantastic shows on other networks, or in some cases were thrown onto TLC after ratings started to slip on their original network. Observe:

• Addicted - bad version of A&E's Intervention
• American Chopper - formerly on Discovery
• Cake Boss - bad version of Food Network's Ace of Cakes
• DC Cupcakes - mashup of Food Network's Ace of Cakes and Cupcake Wars
• Heli-Loggers - ripoff of History's Ax Men
• Hoarding: Buried Alive - bad version of A&E's Hoarders
• Ultimate Cake-Off - bad version of Food Network Challenge

Those are just the ones I can figure out. I'm sure the wedding, home, car, family, and fashion shows are all ripoffs, too.

Surviving Terrible Hotel TV

Hotel TV sucks. They usually have just a handful of channels, none of which are any good. In fact, even if they have good channels, when you're there, there won't be anything good on TV. It's a fact.

It seems they do this so you order a movie from the hotel for $14.99. By the time you realize the movie sucks, you feel like you have to watch it since it was so damned expensive.

So, how do I combat bad hotel TV? My iPod. I have a video cable. (Apple tries to charge for $50 for this thing, by the way.) Basically I can watch any video from my iPod (but not the iPhone for some reason) on the TV. The problem is figuring out how to change the TV source. It's usually very easy on flat screen TVs, but I'm not usually that lucky. On older TVs, sometimes they will have an AUX channel hiding somewhere in the higher numbers. Sometimes you have to Spiderman yourself around the TV to plug in the cables to the back. The TV I have on this trip has 4 such channels, two of which are FRONT and AUX. And none of them work! So, what do I do in that case? I dunno, write some blogs or something.

Either way, fuck hotel TV.

Blurnsball

I'd like someone to find and buy me a New New York Yankees hat...



...and a foam claw....


BLUUUURRRRRRN!

Spock = Satan?

That would explain this:

Note to Trekkies: Yes, I know Spock + Goatee = mirror universe Spock, but remember: Bender + Goatee = Flexo, and they were both evil.

Startling Revelation of the Day

Carlos Alazraqui (Deputy Garcia from Reno 911!) did the voices of Mr. Weed and Rocco! Holy shit!

The Simpsons in HD

Why do The Simpsons feel the need to give the finger to me when I've put up with them for so long?



A couple weeks ago, The Simpsons was officially in HD. And, they abandoned the original intro that they've been using for TWO DECADES. It's a little late to start reinventing now, guys.

So why do I feel cheated? The show is in HD (whoopty-fucking do). I don't have an HD TV. Normally this wouldn't be an issue if they were smart enough to broadcast it in letterbox. Instead, half the characters get cut off, often when they're speaking. During last Sunday's episode, several times, the character talking wasn't even on the screen, and a couple times, characters on the screen reached for something off the screen.

This, after I've stuck by them and watched them for 20 years. I even watched all the terrible seasons when they were trying as hard as possible to be Family Guy. (Like for instance that episode where Ralph was playing duck duck goose by himself in a room and it painfully went on for far too long.) I refused to stop watching. How do they reward me? By cutting off charaters. And it's really freakin' distracting.

Put the damn show on in letterbox.

I'll get an HDTV at some point, but until then watching The Simpsons in my living room is just going to irk me.

Update (6/6/09): I recently got an HDTV and now the Simpsons are fucking awesome!

Why Man vs. Wild is better than Survivorman

Yeah, yeah, this post would be more timely a few years ago. Wanna fight about it?

So, anyway, Man v. Wild is leaps and bounds better than Survivorman. Why? Because Bear Grylls just doesn't give a fuck!

Les Stroud...
...is the host of Survivorman. Basically he goes out into the wild or whatever with a handful of cameras, his harmonica, and gumption. And maybe a knife. He's alone the whole time. I'm sure he has a satellite phone or something so when his leg gets bitten off he can call for help, though. Anyway, he uses his survival techniques to get back to civilization and panders to the camera as much as possible and then plays his stupid harmonica at sundown. ...Does it bother anyone else that when he has to cross a stream or something and there's a reverse shot of him doing it, he had to cross the stream, set up the camera, hit record, go back across the stream, and then cross the stream a third time for the one that ends up in the show? It bugs me to no end. The show is generally considered to be the more "authentic" of the two shows. Feh. Who cares? This guy is my least favorite Canadian.

Bear Grylls...

...is the genius behind Man v. Wild. First of all he's British, which makes everything he does so much more intriguing! When he goes out into the wild he takes a camera crew. People got all upitty when it came out that he and his crew received some "assistance" during a few sequences on a show. But let's face it, how is a Brit going to know where to get a dead camel in the Sahara without help? Here's Bear Grylls being a "phony." Go ahead and watch it. I'll wait.

...

So who cares if there was a road right there? There could have been lava under there. You don't know.

See, the best thing about Man v. Wild is that Bear Grylls doesn't have to do any of the things he does. If he wants he could be sleeping in a hotel that night. Let that sink in. Next time you see Bear eating something strange, or drinking water from a pile of elephant shit, or drinking his own pee, or doing naked calisthenics, or shoving his head into a dead camel, or getting honey from a beehive in Mexico, then getting stung so his face swells and he can barely see while he walks across a desert, just think to yourself, "He did that for my amusement!"

Meanwhile, Les Stroud is playing his harmonica because he's a douchebag.