Hold Your Fucking Phone in Fucking Landscape

Hold your fucking phone horizontally if you're going to record a fucking video on it!

From a Gizmodo article telling you the same thing. But you didn't listen. What the fuck is wrong with you?

So you want to take a cellphone video of something with the intention of posting it to YouTube or whatever. If you hold your phone vertically, you should be sterilized for the sake of humanity and probably have your teeth removed. How do you function?

The standard HD video size is 1920x1080 pixels. Your phone will record in this no matter what orientation your clammy hand has positioned the phone in. If you hold it vertically, what happens when you want to watch it on anything that's not your phone? Black boxes. Black boxes that would be filled with glorious HD video had you held your phone correctly, you fucking idiot.

Your video will now play back on any screen that's not your phone as a 1080x608 pixel video with darkness filling up the missing space. Since you're too fucking stupid to hold a phone sideways, I feel the need to explain to you that 1080x608 is smaller than 1920x1080. Congratulations. You have wasted about two-thirds of the available display while using the same amount of memory on your phone. You are why we can't have nice things. Way to ruin it for everybody.

Google's camera app (pictured) even gently suggests to you that you should rotate your phone. It should refuse to record videos if your phone is wrong. Or better yet, administer electric shocks and deport your loved ones.

I say we round up all the portrait mobile phone video people and march them into the sea.

Bobby Flay is a Total Douchebag

I've said it for years. Bobby Flay is a douchebag. Fuck him. Fuck his shows.

Bobby Flay mixing a cocktail with roofies in it. Total douchebag.

Bobby Flay is a high school dropout who took up Southwestern cuisine as his specialty. That's right, Southwestern, the easiest of all cuisines because nothing fucking grows in the desert. It's all 5 ingredients. The same 5 ingredients. Big fucking accomplishment mastering Southwestern cuisine, you douchebag.

So he gets involved with the Food Network. Oh shit you have to be a skilled chef to get a cooking show right? Not if you're Bobby Flay. His cooking show is all about grilling. Yep, the easiest cooking method there is. Just throw shit on the grill and maybe turn it once while drinking your beer. Done. You're a grillmaster.

But then suddenly Bobby Flay became Master of Everything Ever. Between Throwdown! with Bobby Flay and Beat Bobby Flay, he is determined to beat you at your life's work. He swoops into town, goes to a local joint that is supposed to be the best at something, then decided the owner is shit and he can beat them with no effort at the thing they've spent their entire career doing. Fuck you, Bobby Flay. That is a tremendously douchebag concept for a show or two.

Ever been to Bobby's Douchbag Burger Palace? He's so much of a douchebag, there is no vegetarian option. Even Five Guys will make you a grilled cheese (i. e. a burger without the meat). But no, fuck you if you don't eat meat. Have a salad, that's all you eat anyway.

Fuck Bobby Flay.

10 Things We Should Do To Clickbait Headline Writers (You Won't Believe #7. And #9 Made Me Cry)

1. Round them all up. This won't be hard. They are the definition of lazy.

2. Begin the march. It's exceedingly easy to write article like this because you don't need to worry about flow. It's just numbers and maybe a blurb and a photo.

3. Break the ankles of those at the front. If you're BuzzFeed, you don't even have to worry about whatever the title of the article was when you're adding things to the list.

4. Whip those in back. If you've clicked on the link, their job is done. It doesn't matter what the page says.

5. Force them onto the boat. Any time I see an headline like this on Facebook, that's the end of our friendship.

6. Deposit them on an island with no food source. The occasional times I see someone posting a link to this type of shit and I don't unfriend them, I will subvert the headline's intent if I am able to. "You won't believe what this dog did to these children! (It made me cry!)"

7. Introduce leprosy to the island. Simply Google whatever the fuck it is, find an image, and post it as a comment.

8. Film their eventual demise. So now, no one has to click on the article. No one clicks the link.

9. Show the footage to their families. Hopefully it all goes away. The point of this shit is to make you click on the link. It's content farming. Don't click the links.

10. Write their eulogies in the format they perpetuated. The authors should be shamed and the websites shouldn't be patronized. But of course it's becoming more and more prevalent because everyone is a fucking moron and clicks on the links anyway.

A Fraction of a Fraction

I hate the phrase "a fraction of a fraction." A fraction of a fraction is another goddamn fraction. You're wasting my time and yours by repeating unnecessary words. And what if the fraction of your fraction is something greater than 1, like 9/2? Well that's several times more than your original fraction, so you have now said the opposite of what you're trying to say. Congratulations, you're an idiot.

I recently heard someone say "a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a fraction." Upon hearing this, my brain exploded, leaving only brain fractions all over the place.

*I* am the Asshole at CostCo

The only difference between me and all the other assholes at CostCo is that I'm doing it on purpose because I hate you.

CostCo is a miserable experience that begins before you even get to the store. For me, it doesn't even begin when you get to the parking lot. It begins when I enter the quarter-mile radius surrounding the store where the asshole concentration has increased significantly over the ambient asshole levels.

A typical CostCo experience goes along these lines:

• You pull into the parking lot, hopeful you can get a space somewhat close to the store. As you turn into the row of your choice (it doesn't actually matter which), there is a family packing up their car and some dumbass SUV/minivan/unnecessarily large pickup in the middle of the lane with their turn signal on as if there is a worldwide parking space shortage. The vehicle waiting for the space is invariably too close to the space he's waiting for so that the person occupying the space can't possibly pull out anyway. And even if they could, they couldn't go anywhere because there is a asshole blocking the whole parking lot aisle so that nothing can get through. You look behind you to perhaps back out of this situation, but of course there are 3 cars at a minimum behind you at this point. Meanwhile, you spot at least half a dozen spaces in the adjacent rows so you begin kicking yourself the being optimistic about the parking lot. The asshole in the parking space will hasn't left. Sure he's started his car and his foot is on the brake, but he's not leaving. what the fuck is that asshole doing in there? When all hope seems to be lost and you begin to contemplate suicide, the asshole in the space finally has pulled out and eventually the obnoxiously large vehicle has finally pulled into the space (mind you, it took him a few tries) and your way is clear, so you proceed forward to get to another row to park.
• ...Except that now there are people walking in the middle of the lane, completely oblivious to the fact that there is a vehicle behind them. So you drive forward at walking pace (so slow your speedometer can't register an accurate reading) and reach the end of the aisle, where you have to turn. But you can't turn because again there are people all over the place like ants on a fucking watermelon. And woe be unto you if you choose the wrong aisle in the parking lot for your next attempt or else you'll be waiting for the next asshole to pull into a spot when there are plenty in the next row.
• So finally you have parked and it's time to go in the store; you need a cart. But there's some asshole who has just pulled out a cart and positioned it perpendicularly to the other carts while he's on his phone or some stupid shit, effectively blocking all the carts. You politely wait for him to scamper off in the search of the savings within before you can finally get your cart. As you do, assholes with carts who have just left the store suddenly rally behind you and stop for some dumb fucking reason. What should have taken you 30 seconds on a bad day to acquire a cart has now reached several minutes!
• Once in the store, the assholery continues. The aisles are pretty goddamn wide, so clearly every asshole in the store needs to push their cart down the goddamn middle of them with their 7 kids (or overweight spouse for the childless) taking up the rest of the way. Guess what? They're in every fucking aisle. You're fucked.
• What's that? Free samples? Perhaps you'll find a new delicious product you didn't know about before and purchase. So you put your cart somewhere out of the way and get in the line for your free sample. A new tray of samples comes forth! Before you have your chance, the grubby unwashed hands of the masses have already captured every last morsel. Should you wait another 3 minutes for a sample? The choice is yours.
• Now you'd like to get back to your cart, but multiple assholes have double parked their carts around yours! The aisle is practically unnavigable. Maybe suicide in the parking lot was a good option. Or perhaps homicide.
• After bravely navigating the throngs of overweight people, unsupervised children, and self-absorbed douchebags, it's finally time to check out. When your sticker shock subsides and you collect yourself after begrudgingly paying several hundred dollars for crap you didn't need, it's time to leave.
• ...At least it would be if there weren't a dozen carts blocking and egress from the store because the owners are in line for a 50-cent hot dog while their frozen foods rapidly thaw and will hopefully give their owners relentless diarrhea for days on end. You push on through and get your receipt checked.
• ...But the fuckwit at the front of the 15-person long receipt checking line can't find it. It was handed to him barely 90 seconds ago and he fucking lost it. A courteous person would pull his cart aside to search for his receipt. But no, he is parked squarely in the middle of the lane, blocking anyone's chance of getting around him. And in all that time, you would think the next person would have their receipt ready to go, but this woman is incredibly fat and so absorbed in her hot dog it's a miracle she didn't eat the paper tray it came in.
• Once you get your receipt checked, you could make a beeline for your car... if the person in front of you hadn't just stopped to block the exit, apparently to file the receipt into their increasingly complex pocket filing system. And how about now's a great fucking time for them to check their phone, a task that could be completed do while moving. Could, but isn't.
• By the time you get to your car, some asshole in their dumbass SUV/minivan/unnecessarily large pickup has stopped in the middle of the lane with their turn signal on as if there is a worldwide parking space shortage, waiting for your space. You would love to leave, but guess what? They're too fucking close. When they eventually get the fucking message that you can't move until they move, you start to back out, just to slam on your brakes as a family emerges from nowhere, inches from your car and led by a gaggle of barely supervised children.
• Eventually, you have successfully navigated the parking lot, full of people texting while driving and idiots walking down the center of the lanes. Your thoughts change slowly from suicide to grabbing a soup spoon and digging into your gallon drum of mayo.

Enough of these trips to CostCo and I stopped attempting to get around people or even acknowledging them. When I go to CostCo these days, I drive down the middle of the parking lot. I walk down the center of every aisle with my cart. I leave my cart in the way. I am the hand that comes from nowhere to steal your free sample. I am the one that sits in my car with the engine running and in reverse, but I'm not going anywhere for a few minutes. There's not a goddamn thing you can do about it, either, because I've taken it a step further: I'm wearing headphones. Why do I do all this? Because fuck you.

Lying Scumbags At the Smithsonian's IMAX Theater

The wife and I ventured to DC today for the sole purpose of seeing Tornado Alley, the movie that filmmaker/storm chaser Sean Casey has been making for the past several years. Basically, Sean Casey built the Tornado Intercept Vehicle (TIV) so he could drive into a tornado and film it. He, the TIV, and his crew have been on every season of the Discovery Channel show Storm Chasers. We've been watching the show and have really wanted to see his movie.

Tornado Alley at 4:55pm! Looks good to me!

Well, this morning we checked the Samuel C. Johnson IMAX Theater webpage to make sure it was playing. As you can see from the screencap, it clearly states that Tornado Alley was showing at 4:55pm until December 15. Today being December 10th, one would think the movie would still be showing. Seems pretty damn black and white to me that Tornado Alley was playing. So, we headed out to see that showing of the movie.

Now it's not an easy thing to get to the Museum of Natural History, where this IMAX theater is. We need to drive down I-95 and then ride 3 different Metro lines, each of which was single tracking, which causes huge delays. So it took a while to get there. We showed up around 4pm with plenty of time to get tickets and see the movie.

When we arrived at the museum, we saw this:

Tornado Alley 4:55! (Those with keen eyes will notice I took this picture at 5:21pm, which was after I decided I needed evidence.) There was also a small card nearby with all the IMAX movies that were showing with Tornado Alley at 4:50. Close enough, but the card had been removed before I had a chance to take a picture.

When we approached the counter to get tickets for Tornado Alley at 4:55pm, we were presented with this:

Dinosaurs?! I don't want to see dinosaurs! No one built a dinosaur tank to drive into the middle of a dinosaur! We complained to the manager, who basically said we should have called the theater before we left. Why the hell would I call the theater? It said in no less than 3 different places that are run by the Smithsonian that Tornado Alley was showing at 4:55pm on December 10, 2011. Plus, anyone who would go through the effort to check the website clearly has a specific movie in mind that they want to see.


It takes 4 seconds to update a website so this won't happen, but I guess that's too much for the Smithsonian. The girl at the counter told us we were the fifth group of people that day to complain about the change.

Epilogue
Defeated, we went to see the National Christmas Tree. What a complete failure that was, too! First of all the tree this year looks like total crap. You know the Rockefeller Center tree in NYC? Got that nice upside-down tornado shape in your head? Now make it wider and lumpy and asymmetrical and you have the National Christmas Tree. And for some reason, they blocked off the pathway around the tree, so you couldn't see any of the state trees for states after the letter M. We did see the Maryland tree and it was wonderful. The DC tree sucked, which was fitting because DC sucks.

Marathon Stickers

You've seen them, you just may not know it. They're on just about every third or fourth SUV (and sometimes on cars, as well) in the DC area. It's one of those white oval OBX-style stickers with a number in it, usually 13.1 or 26.2, which is how many miles long a half-marathon and a marathon are, respectively.

They come in several variations. Usually, the numbers are in Papyrus, which is a travesty on its own. Perhaps the saddest version of all:

Awww did somebody run a 5k? That's like meeting a guitarist that just figured out a blues scale.

When you see these stickers, it means a few things:

1. The driver of the SUV you're behind either ran, attempted to run, or makes you want to think he ran a marathon.
2. He wants you to think he's better than you because he ran a marathon and you didn't.
3. He's not afraid to brag about his marathon-ing, mostly due to the fact the he's a douchebag.

So you ran a marathon. Big fucking deal. I don't need to know about it. You're not better than me. I have better things to do with my time than to run around all the time. Complaining to the internet about people bragging about running around and taking pictures while I'm sitting in traffic are two activities that are better than running around like an idiot. Take that sticker and shove it.

A half iron man? I'm not impressed. The bike did most of the work.

Epic Meal Time is Incredibly Stupid

I hate Epic Meal Time. In their YouTube videos, a bunch of douchebags get together and make ridiculously unhealthy food. The premise itself is pretty solid: hilariously unhealthy food. I mean, If someone told me they were going to make an 84 egg sandwich, I would definitely be intrigued...

Until I saw these morons bro down on eachother. The lead bro guy yells at the camera like he's about to rape you. I'm fairly sure these guys all play lacrosse. I bet they use the word 'mancation'. They probably all have raised Jeeps or Mitsubishis or something else equally douchbaggy. The magic of the word 'epic' is wasted on them, not to mention how much the awesome power of bacon is ruined by them.



If I wanted to watch a douchebag cook, Bobby Flay has like 10 shows on the Food Network.

Regular Ordinary Swedish Meal Time is the exact opposite of Epic Meal Time. Clearly they did it to mock EMT, but then it took a on life of its own. Just have a look:

Why The USA Is Doomed

I was a little late getting up the other morning. At exactly 6:01 AM, the north side of the DC Beltway instantly becomes a parking lot and remains that way until 9:00 PM, which is about the time they start randomly closing lanes to make sure no one gets where they're going. Yes, the Beltway works the same way Congress does.

How did I get so off topic so quickly? PERHAPS IT'S DUE TO THE RAGE I'M SEETHING IN.

I was taking some back roads to work since I had gotten up late, and I witnessed something that almost made me go on a murderous rampage. I was stuck behind a school bus that was picking up kids on a two-lane road. It was one of those routes they have now where the bus picks kids up at the end of their driveways, which pisses me off to no end. The bus ends up having to stop every 3 houses because no one can keep it in their pants these days, AND no one wants their precious snowflakes to actually have to WALK anywhere! In my day, which wasn't all that long ago, I had to walk to the damn bus stop, which wasn't even all that far away, and no one complained, goddamnit! And my grandfather had to walk uphill both ways and wrestle bears to the ground to get to school.

But as annoyed as I was for the bus having to keep stopping, I saw the thing that nearly caused me to have an aneurysm. The kids had been DRIVEN to the end of their driveways. The houses were on an acre or two. The driveways were perhaps one-tenth of a mile long. And the parent GOT IN THEIR SUV and DROVE their kid to the END OF THE DRIVEWAY! Then, after the bus picked them up, they would REVERSE ALL THE WAY BACK UP THEIR DRIVEWAY. The first person I saw do this I figured was the laziest person in America, or perhaps disabled or something. BUT NO! Literally TWO HOUSES DOWN it happened AGAIN! A few minutes later, at the end of an even shorter driveway, I saw another kid and her mom standing at the end of their driveway next to their running SUV waiting for the school bus!

These are the people electing our politicians. These are the kids who will one day grow up and have to make important decisions one day. We are 100% completely, totally, and utterly FUCKED.

The Actual Confederate Flag

Most racists who for some reason love to celebrate their history of embarassing defeat will do so with this flag:

You may have just gone, "ah, the Stars and Bars!" Well, you're wrong. You may also have said "hey, I'm not a racist! I just love the South and this flag shows it!" That flag represents the racist institution of slavery. Don't believe me? Go read the actual Articles of Secession or this speech by Confederate Vice President Alexander H. Stephens and then try to tell me the Civil War was about state's rights.

That flag up there isn't the flag of the Confederacy. In fact they changed flags so often it nearly rivaled the frequency of iTunes updates. Here's the last one they used:

That's pretty terrible-looking in my opinion. I wouldn't want to use it either.

Some have said that the Confederate flag is a Naval jack. First of all you're close, but still wrong. The Naval jack in question was colored slightly differently:

And furthermore, why is saying that the Confederate flag on the back of your truck is a Naval jack supposed to make it okay? The vast majority of the battles were on land! The Confederate Navy didn't do all that much aside from dying! And besides, who goes around saying they love the United States by whipping out this thing:

So where did the popular (and incorrect) version of the Confederate flag come from? Some may say it was the Battle Flag, then spew some lies about how even slaves fought for the Confederacy to pretend they're not racist. The Confederate Battle Flag was square. There were some (read: very few) Confederate Army units that used the rectangularized version. Yet somehow, that's the one that gained popularity.

Interesting side note: Town Line, NY actually flew this incorrect Confederate flag on purpose because they couldn't find a real one. This tiny chunk of western NY state held a town meeting in 1861 and decided to seceed from the Union for a variety of half-baked reasons. As the war pressed on and the townsfolk sobered up, they pretty much forgot about that whole secession thing. Then in 1946, like an alcoholic going through Step 9, they rejoined the Union. They flew the incorrect Confederate Flag prior to rejoining, despite the fact that those in Town Line who fought for the Confederacy did so under yet another version of the Confederate flag:

Morons.

My Horrible Kmart Experience

Kmart sucks. We all know it. So why did I find myself in one recently? I read online somewhere that they carry Diet Cherry Coke. Not that Coke Cherry Zero crap that tastes so much like chemicals it's mistaken for water in China. I'm talking about: Real. Diet. Cherry. Coke.

Think about it. You haven't seen it in ages. I did manage to find some in Florida, but it was a 12-pack of cans and I had no way to take it with me.

Anyway, Kmart. Literally before I had been in the store for 5 seconds, I was asked to donate to two charities, one of which was the March of Dimes. The MoD woman seemed genuinely angry that I refused to donate.

Eventually I found the soda section, but alas: no DCC. Since I went out of my way to go to Kmart, I decided to get a snack. While on my way to the registers, the MoD lady came by again and said, "Now are you ready to donate?" No. I'm not. I already told you no. Why would I miraculously change my mind 2 minutes later?

Then finally on the way out the door, there was another lady taking donations for March of Dimes.

So, I officially hate March of Dimes. Bring back polio! If anyone complains, I know of a Kmart that will change your mind.

Burning Shadows v. Burning Shadow's

Damn kids.

Mike from Division informed me of a Facebook page for a band called "Burning Shadow's". Their profile picture was our old logo (that we still use when the time is right, mind you).

So, I wrote to them:
"Adding an apostrophe to our name doesn't give you the right to steal our logo. Please discontinue use of our name and logo."

I also provided links to the Amongst the Dying Waves CD, which uses that logo, as well as our website and our iTunes page.

The next day, they responded, "O_O i really didnt know there was a band named burning shadows"

To which I wrote, "You had no problem finding our logo, but you couldn't figure out where it came from? And I see you haven't bothered to delete the images with [our] logo in it yet...."

Them: "i said im sorry gosh dnt gotta be mean"
Me: "Actually, you didn't say you're sorry."

Later, someone jokingly suggested, "Fierce Allegiance would be a good band name!"

You'd think they would have done an ounce of research after stealing our name. They went ahead and changed their named to Fierce Allegiance. So, someone posted a link to the real Fierce Allegiance's logo, writing, "Here's a good logo for you guys!" (They responded with "thank you dude ur great")

Minutes later, "DAMMIT THERE IS ALREADY A BAND NAME FIERCE ALLEGIANCE =("

I won't bother to tell you what they changed it to now, but rest assured, the name already belongs to a group that has music on iTunes. And as far as I can tell, these kids haven't even played a single note.

Epilogue: After the dust had settled, they asked me, "hmmmmmm r u guys like a real official band like on youtube nd stuff O_O"

Sigh.

Niagara Falls

In response to "The Canadian side of Niagara Falls is prettier," I once heard someone say "That's because you're looking at America!"

Guess what? It turns out it's mostly because you're looking at Canada.


View Larger Map

As you can see, the cliff that creates Horseshoe Falls is about 60% in Canada. Plus the majority of the water falls into Canada. So, obviously this victory goes to Canada.

But don't feel bad. Northeast of Horseshoe Falls is the American Falls, so-named because it's located entirely within America. Also, it sucks so bad that they have to light it up with colors at night to get people to look at it. And even then, you're only looking at it because Horseshoe Falls is so awesome you needed a break from it.

Fox News's Response to the Rally To Restore Sanity and/or Fear

Fox & Friends on Fox News, which some people unfortunately think is a source of news, responded to the rally with a well-researched, well-thought out response to the message of the Rally to Restore Sanity.

Just kidding. They missed the point entirely and attacked Jon Stewart.



If you can't stomach the video, here are some of the extremely moronic things they said:

• They claim Stewart attacks the right, then "attempts" to work the crowd into getting out to vote. But then they show a clip of him defending Tea Partiers and Juan Williams and not talking about voting at all. (In reality, the rally attacked all the stupid news networks, even NPR.)
• They pretended not to know Colbert's name.
• They claim he and Colbert are not news men, they're comedians. Reading the news every night on a news show makes you a newsman, goddamnit! Using their logic, it's good to know that Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck are just DJs and not news men/political commentators.
• They justify the large crowd by pointing out that Oprah and the Huffington Post bussed people in. I'm sure that's where they all came from. No way people could actually be fed up with the idiocy of 24-hour news networks.
• They belittle the message and diminish it by (again) saying they're comedians. They also comment that he looks sharp in his suit, "just like a real newsman." So, to be a newsman at Fox, you need a suit and to not be a comedian.
• Then they have a conservative comedian talk about the horrors he and Fox News went through while being at the rally, claiming there was more animosity there than any Tea Partiers would have (nevermind openly hating immigrants and homosexuals). This guy then missed the point of the rally (news networks don't help anyone anywhere ever).
• They said they were surprised there wasn't more violence.
• At the bottom of the screen it says "Thousands attend DC rally yesterday." No, it was over 200,000. That should say "Hundreds of the thousands attend DC rally yesterday."
• They speculated that people only came for the bands.
• Then they show Ozzy doing "Crazy Train" but of course they chose the one part where his singing is the worst.
• Then they briefly show the duel between "Peace Train" and "Crazy Train" ... but completely left out the "Love Train" compromise.
• Then they claim that Yusuf Islam (formerly Cat Stevens) -- who sang "Peace Train" -- was involved in a Fatwa against Salman Rushdie, nevermind the fact that he never supported it. You see what they did there? They had a Muslim! Muslims are bad! Let's all ignore the part of the rally where they warned against treating all Muslims like terrorists. Furthermore, they acted like he just changed his name. He changed his name OVER 30 YEARS AGO.

Damnit, now I'm all pissed off. Time to vote.

Signing a Credit Card

I was speaking to one of the less-than-smart members of humanity once about the importance of signing the back of a credit card. In theory, the signature on the back of your card should match the signature on the receipt. This way, people "can't" steal your card unless they can also forge your signature. But in reality, pretty much no one checks the back of the card. Plus, a lot of people don't bother so sign it (and who really cares anyway?).

I like to write SEE ID very noticably on the card. That way, the 1 in 50 cashiers who look at the back of the card will actually ask for my ID. If the card was stolen, the theif will no doubt say "I forgot my ID" and the cashier will process the transaction anyway. But nonetheless, I do make it a point to write SEE ID on the card.

When this logic was presented to the moron I mentioned in the first sentence up there, Captain Stupid responded with, "Oh, I just don't sign it. When they see there's no signature, they will ask for my ID."

Deep breath.

IF I WERE TO STEAL YOUR CARD THE FIRST THING I'M DOING IS SIGNING IT! If you don't sign your card, then whatever, but if you purposefully don't sign it because you think it makes it theft-proof, then you should just live on an island somewhere and don't bother anybody. You're obviously too stupid to function.

While we're on the subject, why do self checkouts at grocery stores force you to sign on that tablet thingy? It doesn't matter what you write. God has been buying my groceries for years now.

Iron Maiden's Set List

Tuesday, Iron Maiden played Nissan Pavilion (sigh, fine) Jiffy Lube Live. It was of course a great show. One thing that was obvious pretty quickly was the abundance of songs from the last 10 years in place of the classics. On the way out, though, I heard nothing but whining that the set was nothing but new songs.

Here it is:

• The Wicker Man (2000)
• Ghost Of The Navigator (2000)
• Wrathchild (1981)
• El Dorado (2010)
• Dance Of Death (2003)
• The Reincarnation Of Benjamin Breeg (2006)
• These Colours Don't Run (2006)
• Blood Brothers (2000)
• Wildest Dreams (2003)
• No More Lies (2003)
• Brave New World (2000)
• Fear Of The Dark (1992)
• Iron Maiden (1980)  

Encore:

• The Number of the Beast (1982)
• Hallowed Be Thy Name (1982)
• Running Free (1980)

Only two-thirds of the set were "new" songs. Of course, "new" is relative. The entire yellow section of the pie chart above spans the entire life of Burning Shadows. The way people reacted to the set, they might as well have played the entire new album that hasn't been released yet.

They obviously have confidence in the newer songs -- and zero confidence in anything Blaze Bayley did, but that's another post. I think they did a great job of choosing good songs from the last 10 years. The songs up there I generally don't like are due to their exceedingly repetitive choruses, so even the bad songs were good for the most part.

I believe they chose this set for two reasons. First, they want to be respected as musicians and not as washed-up has-beens from the 80s. Second, they're smart. If Iron Maiden came and played all their hits from the 1980s every time they came, they wouldn't put as many asses in the seats (or on the lawn, if you prefer). If all you want to hear is the old stuff, then don't come to the show when they're playing new stuff, damnit. Hail Iron Maiden.

Here's a shaky video of my favorite "new" Iron Maiden song:

CVS Sucks

I realized the other day I've never been to a CVS where the wait in line was reasonable. Every time I go, it's usually just to buy something quick, but then I have to stand in line for 10-15 minutes.

It seems to me that they're understaffed, untrained, and lazy. The customers are no help either. There's always someone trying to return something that shouldn't be returned, or arguing over clearly marked prices, or can never find their CVS card.

And how useless is that thing?!

I hate CVS, but I know I'll end up in one soon enough, standing in an unnecessarily long line, seething in rage.

The Civil War Was About Slavery

I had a conversation recently with someone who claimed that the Confederate states seceded not because of slavery, but instead because they believed in states' rights.

Four states issued formal declarations of why they were leaving the Union. So, let's have a look at the Declarations of Causes of Secession for the traitor states:

Georgia

For the last ten years we have had numerous and serious causes of complaint against our non-slave-holding confederate States with reference to the subject of African slavery.

That was the second sentence. Sounds like Georgia seceded because of slavery.

Mississippi

Our position is thoroughly identified with the institution of slavery-- the greatest material interest of the world.

Also the second sentence of their Declaration. Sounds like it was a major reason indeed!

South Carolina

The people of the State of South Carolina, in Convention assembled, on the 26th day of April, A.D., 1852, declared that the frequent violations of the Constitution of the United States, by the Federal Government, and its encroachments upon the reserved rights of the States, fully justified this State in then withdrawing from the Federal Union; but in deference to the opinions and wishes of the other slaveholding States, she forbore at that time to exercise this right

 Yeah, they did manage to talk about states having rights and slaves.

Texas

The controlling majority of the Federal Government, under various pretences and disguises, has so administered the same as to exclude the citizens of the Southern States, unless under odious and unconstitutional restrictions, from all the immense territory owned in common by all the States on the Pacific Ocean, for the avowed purpose of acquiring sufficient power in the common government to use it as a means of destroying the institutions of Texas and her sister slaveholding States.

Texas had to brag first about being its own country for a while, so this ended up being the fourth paragraph. The third paragraph talks about how they like slaves, damnit!

Not enough evidence for you? Okay, How about this:

Our new Government is founded upon exactly the opposite ideas; its foundations are laid, its cornerstone rests, upon the great truth that the negro is not equal to the white man; that slavery, subordination to the superior race, is his natural and moral condition. [Applause.] This, our new Government, is the first, in the history of the world, based upon this great physical, philosophical, and moral truth.

This was spoken by Confederate States Vice President Alexander H. Stevens.

States' rights indeed.

Sarah Palin Hates The British For Some Reason

So Palin went off about how we shouldn't trust "foreign" oil companies in light of the disaster in the Gulf of Mexico. In particular, she says that foreign companies like BP are not to be trusted. (Nevermind the fact that her husband worked for them for 18 years.)

Okay, first of all, Transocean owned and operated Deepwater Horizon, which is now just called Deepwater, I think. Transocean is a Swiss company. There's no reason to hate on the British all of a sudden. Or even the Swiss. Or the American workers on the platform.

Anyway, it's not like American companies are that much more responsible when it comes to oil spills.

How Fragile Are Picks?

I ordered 2 packs of Dunlop Jazz III picks from Amazon.com. They decided to put them in a box and added some cushioning material:

Wouldn't an envelope have been better?

I would like to note, however, that the picks arrived undamaged. I also ordered some Dunlop Jaxx III XLs (I play bass with those), and they have yet to arrive. I wonder how big the box will be!