Muscular Tommy Pickles From Rugrats Looks Strikingly Like Ralf Scheepers From Primal Fear.

Muscular Tommy Pickles:

Ralf Scheepers:

The Metal Band Name Generator

After reading The 100 Most Overused Metal Band Name Words, I decided I must create a band name generator. The MATLAB code is below on the right 100 randomly generated band names are the left.

Fire Shadow Steel Goat Ruin Torture Throne Lost Face Evil Burn Wind Circle Goat Demon Suffer Crypt Forest Night Circle Night Nocturnal Serpent Gore Raven Raven Devil Infernal Pain Child Stone Child Satan Fear Steel Night Fallen Stone Blood Gore Serpent Force Torment Serpent Wrath Ash Crypt Wrath Death Torture Winter Face Brutal Torment Force Murder Storm Ash Soul Doom Torment Demon Child Cross Moon Spirit Eternal Ash Anger Wolf Goat Evil Serpent Eternal Cross Forest Fire Cold Evil Torment Frost Forest Ancient Grind Brutal Head Stone Black Chaos Steel Infernal Wolf Doom Slave Wrath Wrath Hell Divine Moon Slaughter Cult Dark Grace Sorrow Heaven Forest Agony Torment Agony Necro Ruin Fuck Steel Rain Doom Iron Funeral Torment Steel Spirit Circle Sick Beyond Torture Grind Wrath Child Head Fire Death Brain Agony Fuck Dream Demon Fuck Hate Divine Grind Flesh Wind Soul Brutal Forest Noise Lord Throne Winter Cold Lord Dream Funeral Slave Death Serpent Frost Gore Fall Hand Ash Fear Death Gate Shadow Dead Dead Witch Thrash Ancient Thrash Fuck Raven Heaven Doom Fear Cross Night Shadow Steel Skull Hand Heaven Grace Storm Brain Winter Necro Dream Necro Goat Evil Storm Cold Soul Rain Raven Cross Brutal Slaughter Fall Rage Winter Cult Force Wolf Suffer Satan Nocturnal Brutal Lord War Grim Hate Night Brain Divine Night Fuck Serpent Rot Winter Fuck Stone Corpse Dragon Shadow Lost Slaughter Ritual Devil Agony Wrath Corpse Suffer Grind Torment Demon Soul Dream Funeral Satan Devil Ruin Torture Murder Morbid Dream Pain Rain Grind Torment Noise Burn Necro Rage Wind Lord Necro Brutal Dream Raven Slaughter Ruin Head Face Death Face Brain Dragon God Fire Christ Brutal Goat Beyond Satan Cold Ritual Fall Metal Chaos Circle Shadow Christ Morbid

NOTE: For this to work correctly, you must copy the numbered list from the article into a text file called "bandnames.txt". Also, at the time of this writing, there is no space between "43." and "Wolf". For Wolf to be used in your results, you must add the space in your text file. function bandnames(varargin) %By Timmortal, Feb 2014, http://nyarlathotim.blogspot.com % %Syntax: bandnames generates 1 band name % bandnames(number of band names to generate) % ex. bandnames(20) produces 20 bandnames % %Generates metal band names from the list of "100" most overused metal band %names. (Actually 102.) if length(varargin) > 0 numBandNames = varargin{1}; else numBandNames = 1; end fid = fopen('bandnames.txt'); data = textscan(fid,'%s%s%s%s%s','delimiter',' '); fclose(fid); bandNames = data{2}; for ii = 1:numBandNames wordCount = randi(3,1)+1; wordNum = 0; go = 1; while length(unique(wordNum)) < length(wordNum) || go wordNum = randi([1 length(bandNames)],wordCount,1); go = 0; end outputFormat = '%s'; for jj = 2:wordCount outputFormat = [outputFormat ' %s']; end outputFormat = [outputFormat '\r']; fprintf(outputFormat,bandNames{wordNum}) end end

Why I *Really* Quit Division

My relatively brief time in Division is coming to an end on Saturday, although it felt like an eternity. Don't listen to whatever Division posted on their website or their Facebook page about why I left the band. I had my reasons. Four of them, in fact. And here they are:

4. James Goetz.

I don't know what the hell is wrong with this guy. An orange drumkit? That's not metal (unless you're October 31). It looks like he's playing a bunch of safety cones. Has anyone noticed he listens to an iPod during Division's live shows? There's a reason. He actually hates all Division songs and blasts songs he considers to be good (mostly new Dimmu Borgir and some Nile) during the shows.

James's cymbals usually have cracks in them. This is not because he is an intense dummer. No, it's because James sucks so bad, the cymbals are trying to commit suicide. James also has a problem with dropping sticks. They'll do anything to get away from his terrible drumming.

3. Nick Kelly.

It's a little-known fact that Nick Kelly became a frontman for the sole reason of showing off his obscure hockey jersey collection. Now you know why he can't sing. Instead of buying lessons, he for some reason bought a Calgary Hitmen jersey.

I have a long-standing rule never to trust anyone with two first names. Nick Kelly is a perfect example why. This guy plays bass in Just Wanna Play, a terrible cover band formed by a bunch of terrible musicians (see numbers 3, 2, and 1 in this list). Nick is a fantastic bass player, but he refuses to play in Division so he can openly mock whoever is their current bassist. He does this because he's that much of a dick.

Also, that's why he's leaving the band, too. Because he's a dick.

2. Dave Evans.

I thought munchkins were supposed to be nice. They're not. He will not discuss the location of his pot of gold, nor will he ever answer the question "How's the weather down there?" It's awkward trying to stand next to him onstage because of the constant fear that I will trip over him.

Dave loves Mesa amplifiers to an unhealthy degree. He has repeatedly confessed that if Mesa was a dude, he would repeatedly perform "that special favor". I'm sure he has attempted to on his amp, which would explain the stains all over the back of it. It's true that Mesa amps can sound great, but not when Dave is playing through them. You can only polish a turd so much.

Dave thinks he's singing backup vocals, too, but immediately after every sound check, we have his mic muted. It's true. Not that one more terrible, off-key singer will ruin the already-terrible singing. They just gave him a mic to make him feel important. He's not.

1. Mike Blevins.

"Mike" is actually short for "Methuselah". I know. I've seen his Arizona drivers license. Why Arizona? Because they don't expire for 50 years. He's only had to renew it twice. When Mike forgets to take his medication, he tends to forget what part of the song we're playing. One time, he played the opening riff for "Hunt" 78 times. He only stopped when he fell asleep.

Speaking of riffs, Mike is a human riff encyclopedia. Name any song since the Dark Ages (when Mike first learned guitar) and not only will he play it for you, but he will talk your ear off with a boring pointless story about how he met Bill Haley once. With such a wealth of musical knowledge, it's amazing that he can't come up with a single decent riff for Division to play. Have you heard Control Issues? Eugh.

I'm glad to be out of that band. I can now focus on Burning Shadows, whose biggest problems are the alcoholism and pervasive unwillingness to put forth any effort whatsoever. So really it's not that much different from Division.

For reals, though, I'll miss playing with these guys. I had some great times and believe I have become a better musician because of my time with Division. Keep it true, guys.

The Heaviest Heavy That Ever Heavied

Great news! All Metal/Hard Rock promotion has been reduced to a single adjective: HEAVY.

Everything is heavy! It's going to sound heavy! It's heavier than the last one! Heavy! Has the word "heavy" been ruined for you yet? No? Then keep reading!

SOUNDGARDEN Guitarist On New Album: 'The Vibe Of The Songs Is Definitely Very Heavy'

Well that clears everything up, doesn't it??

TESTAMENT Bassist On New Album: 'It's Coming To Be, And It's Heavy As S**t'

Okay okay I get it. You don't know what the album sounds like, do you?

EVANESCENCE Singer: New Album Is 'Probably The Heaviest Record We've Ever Done'

Gah! Choose a new word!

SEBASTIAN BACH Says His New Album Cover Is 'As Heavy As Rock 'N' Roll Can Be'

Sigh. At least no one is using it as a verb.

"We've decided that we wanna heavy it up a little bit on this next record"

Well, at least they're calling the music heavy and not just calling anything and everything heavy.

SLIPKNOT Singer Says Two Minutes Of Silence For Fallen Bassist Will Be 'Pretty Heavy' 

AHGHGHAHGAHG

What I listened to in 2010

Sure I'm 5 days late with this but...

Here are the top 15 bands I listened to in 2010:

15. HammerFall
14. Rhapsody of Fire
13. Iron Maiden
12. Therion
11. King Diamond
10. Ensiferum
9. Dream Theater
8. Sonata Arctica
7. Manowar
6. Jag Panzer
5. Symphony X
4. Týr
3. Opeth
2. Blind Guardian
1. Iced Earth

Honestly who could be surprised by this list?

Similar Power Metal Drum Intros

Listen to the first 5 seconds of "Sword's Song" by Battlelore:


Then listen to the first 5 seconds of "Blank File" by Sonata Arctica:


"Sword's Song" came on randomly on my iPod today and I thought it was "Blank File". Lame.

(FYI, "Blank File" by Sonata Arctica was released in 1999; "Sword's Song" by Battlelore was released in 2003.)

Europe 2010: Wacken Day 2

More pictures from my August European trip.

We went for a morning walk, this guy went for a morning collapse.

The Hanggai Band!

Europe 2010: Hamburg Part 1 and Wacken Day 1

More pictures from my August European trip.

Out of Context Lyrics!

I think Falconer is trying to sell me drugs....

Iron Maiden's Set List

Tuesday, Iron Maiden played Nissan Pavilion (sigh, fine) Jiffy Lube Live. It was of course a great show. One thing that was obvious pretty quickly was the abundance of songs from the last 10 years in place of the classics. On the way out, though, I heard nothing but whining that the set was nothing but new songs.

Here it is:

• The Wicker Man (2000)
• Ghost Of The Navigator (2000)
• Wrathchild (1981)
• El Dorado (2010)
• Dance Of Death (2003)
• The Reincarnation Of Benjamin Breeg (2006)
• These Colours Don't Run (2006)
• Blood Brothers (2000)
• Wildest Dreams (2003)
• No More Lies (2003)
• Brave New World (2000)
• Fear Of The Dark (1992)
• Iron Maiden (1980)  

Encore:

• The Number of the Beast (1982)
• Hallowed Be Thy Name (1982)
• Running Free (1980)

Only two-thirds of the set were "new" songs. Of course, "new" is relative. The entire yellow section of the pie chart above spans the entire life of Burning Shadows. The way people reacted to the set, they might as well have played the entire new album that hasn't been released yet.

They obviously have confidence in the newer songs -- and zero confidence in anything Blaze Bayley did, but that's another post. I think they did a great job of choosing good songs from the last 10 years. The songs up there I generally don't like are due to their exceedingly repetitive choruses, so even the bad songs were good for the most part.

I believe they chose this set for two reasons. First, they want to be respected as musicians and not as washed-up has-beens from the 80s. Second, they're smart. If Iron Maiden came and played all their hits from the 1980s every time they came, they wouldn't put as many asses in the seats (or on the lawn, if you prefer). If all you want to hear is the old stuff, then don't come to the show when they're playing new stuff, damnit. Hail Iron Maiden.

Here's a shaky video of my favorite "new" Iron Maiden song:

Corrosion of Conformity - Blind

I saw Corrosion of Conformity (Blind) at the Ottobar, June 19, 2010. They played pretty much every song from the best CoC album (Blind, obviously). They are not to be confused with the Animosity lineup of CoC, which is the lineup from when the band was a hardcore punk/thrash crossover band. Reed Mullin (drums) plays in both, so I guess he gets two paychecks.

The performance was amazing. The band is incredibly tight, especially the rhythm section. This was more than worth missing the Scorpions for. And it was nice to not have Pepper Keenan stealing everyone's spotlight. And best of all, I got one of Reed Mullin's drumsticks.

And I just discovered they made a video for "Dance of the Dead":

Jag Panzer's Lost Album "Chain of Command"

If "Chain of Command" was released in 1987, as it should have been, it would have been their second album. According to Wikipedia,

Swedish born drummer Rikard Stjernquist was added to the line-up and the band proceeded to record the follow-up to their critically acclaimed first LP [Ample Destruction]. The album was recorded in late 1987 but never got an official release. The story has it that the band was offered a record deal by a major label, but turned it down. The never released album, which came to be known as "Chain of Command" was in fact bootlegged more than once, becoming a smash on the underground metal community. The shelved master tapes of the album made it clear that the band had run its course. They called it a day in 1988, and it would be quite a while before anyone would hear anything from the Colorado headbangers.

Jag Panzer reunited in 1994 and are still around today.

In 2004, Jag Panzer's label, Century Media, decided to release Chain of Command, which had a run of only 5000 copies. I picked up a copy in 2006 in Amsterdam. Much to my surprise I already knew the songs on most of the album, since pretty much every song had been subsequently rerecorded.

The album sounds drastically different from all other Jag Panzer albums (save for 1994's Dissident Agressor) since the vocals were done by Bob Parduba instead of Harry Conklin. Parduba has a much different style than Conklin; Parduba is a competant singer in his own right, but doesn't do the powerful, soaring high vocals that I associate with Jag Panzer.

What makes Chain of Command a strange listen is that pretty much all the songs (or at least the good songs) have since been rerecorded with Harry Conklin and put on subsequent albums, all of which I owned prior to getting Chain of Command. Here is the track list:

1. "Prelude" - Reappears on The Age of Mastery, combined with "Chain of Command"
2. "Chain of Command" - Reappears on The Age of Mastery
3. "Shadow Thief" - Reappears on The Fourth Judgement
4. "She Waits"
5. "Ride Through the Storm"
6. "In a Gadda da Vida" (Iron Butterfly cover)
7. "Never Surrender" - Retitled "Viper" on The Age of Mastery
8. "Burning Heart" - Reappears on The Age of Mastery
9. "Sworn to Silence" - Reappears on The Age of Mastery
10. "Dream Theme"
11. "Gavotte in D"

(Age of Mastery's "Take This Pain Away" and "Lustful and Free" were from Jag Panzer's 1986 EP "Shadow Thief")

So in conclusion, Chain of Command is good and all, but you don't really need it if you already have Age of Mastery. You're not exactly missing much, unless you're really into Jag Panzer or hate Harry Conklin.

Opeth Anthology

On Wednesday, I saw Opeth at Terminal 5 in New York City on their 20th anniversary minitour. It was the 15th time I've seen them.

Their set:

1. Leper Affinity
2. Bleak
3. Harvest
4. The Drapery Falls
5. Dirge For November
6. Funeral Portait
7. Patterns in the Ivy
8. Blackwater Park
9. Forest of October
10. Advent
11. April Ethereal
12. The Moor
13. Wreath
14. Hope Leaves
15. Harlequin Forest
16. The Lotus Eater

It was quite possibly the best show I've ever been to; it's at least tied with the Blind Guardian/Symphony X show at Jaxx years ago. There was no opening act at all. The sound was fantastic. I was pretty close to the rail, so I had a great view. The set was almost perfect. I would've preferred more songs I hadn't heard live before. All of Mikael's stage banter between songs, which is always fantastic, was about the history of Opeth. There were almost no idiots shouting out stupid things at bad times. There were crowd surfers, but they weren't anywhere near me.

Since Wednesday, I've listened to every single Opeth song.

More great pictures here.

One of the highlights for me was "Dirge For November." I didn't film this, but I think I can see my head occaisionally in the bottom left of the screen..

Gamma Ray's Blatant Ripoff

"Rapid Fire" by Judas Priest (1980) - Listen for about 15 seconds.


"Solid" by Gamma Ray (2001)


It's not like they're stealing from some obscure band. They're stealing from Judas fucking Priest!

Gamma Ray even made up words ("interstellerian") just like Priest ("desolizating")!

It's a shame, really, because the rest of Gamma Ray's No World Order is pretty good, but every time I hear "Solid" I just want to put my fist through the stereo.

Swashbuckle Sucks

Swashbuckle is a pirate-themed thrash band from New Jersey. They have been on several US tours with larger acts the past year or two. Oh, yeah, and they fucking suck.

They dress like pirates, they usually bring inflatable palm trees, and all their stage banter is pirate-like. For some dumb fucking reason they had a guy come out in a shark suit and ran around like a moron during their last song. And here's the worst part: the crowd loves them.

I've been trying to figure out why I hate them so much since on paper it doesn't look too bad. I love the other two pirate bands (Alestorm and Running Wild), and they talk all piratey. Running Wild dressed like pirates. I finally put my finger on it: Swashbuckle's music has nothing to do with pirates.

That's right. It's all just a gimmick. Sure, they sing about pirates, but the music is just poorly written thrash. Alestorm uses the keytar to sound all pirate-like. Running Wild writes sea-chantey-like songs. Swashbuckle just fucking blows:



Yeah! Exactly! Terrible! Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if they dropped the whole pirate thing. Just to get the awful taste out of your mouth, here's some Alestorm:



I thought originally that they were just cashing in on the pirate fad that Alestorm started. However, it turns out that Swashbuckle was formed before Alestorm.

It's all moot anyway since Running Wild was started in 1976 and has been singing about pirates since the mid 80s.



So anyway Swashbuckle needs to stop. Immediately.

I am in the new MANOWAR DVD!!!!!

There is about 1 entire second of me during the North America 2005 section of Manowar Hell On Earth Part V DVD at 38:17.

Here's a freeze frame:

My life is now complete!

Also that night, I met Rhapsody (of Fire)...

...and I got their setlist.

Two Great Metal Videos

I hate Lamb of God (more like Lame of God), but this video is hilarious! I bailed the second the vocals game in, though.




This second one is similar to others involving the muppets, but the idea is very much the same.


I found these on the Top 10 Heavy Metal Viral Clips of 2009 from Metal Injection. The Black Metal Cooking one is good, but it's not as good as the Metal Chef was.

Jon Schaffer is Batshit Insane...

...but damn can he write a great song!

He just launched his "Sons of Liberty" project. Basically he took all his crazy ultra right-wing/libertarian craziness and released an album. Low-res versions of the mp3s are available from his website (which I will not link here) for free. You can also buy hi-res mp3s from him for $8, which I did. The website also has a bunch of recommended reading and links and such and it's all craziness. I can sum up the reading list in one sentence: He recommends a Ron Paul book. Not crazy enough for you? Further down the page, he recommends Glenn Beck.

But guess what? The songs are pretty damn good! ...Until the little soliloquies at the end of every song. A lot of them are presidential quotes that I would imagine are taken out of context. The lyrics are very Schaffer-y as well (i.e. poorly written). Think The Glorious Burden squared plus Fox News-inspired messages in every song. And of course the lyrics are batshit insane. For example, "Our Dying Republic" complains about the 'fascists' trying to take over the USA. It sounds like he performed the vocals on every song. He does a damn good job, too. I believe the drums are sampled. They sound better than the RVG drums though. Anyway the whole thing sounds a lot like newer Megadeth. (The connections between insane frontmen and their fantastic bands will have to come another day.)

Please, Jon. PLEASE stick to Iced Earth! Stick to Demons & Wizards! Write about horror! Write about Set Abominae. Write about ANYTHING ELSE. It gives me such a headache to both love the music and hate the message simultaneously.

Oh yeah, and how did he officially announce his project? On Alex Jones's radio show. Who is he? A 9/11 truther. Excuse me while I vomit.

Týr

Týr rules. They're coming to Sonar on March 27th!

I just wanted to throw around some comparisons of Týr's versions of traditional Scandinavian and Faroese music. I only found one song that had a video of the traditional version, though. Enjoy.


Ormurin Langi (Traditional Version)


Ormurin Langi - Týr

Thanks to Dave for originally finding this....

Pei Wei & Cradle of Filth

Last night was Cradle of Filth at Ram's Head Live.

On the way up I went to Pei Wei because I wanted some scallops. I didn't recognize anyone who was working there (which is good because if anyone stayed there for 2 years, I would pity them). Much to my surprise they had brought back one of my favorite dishes, the Lemon Pepper. Lemon Pepper scallops would be fantastic... only they don't have scallops anymore. Or pork. When they got the pork, it was a big to-do. Now it's gone. Well anyway, lemon pepper chicken is still quite good.

The Cradle of Filth show was fine. Satyricon opened. (We missed Septic Flesh.) They (Satyricon) played a bunch of crap and finished with a song that could have passed for black metal. CoF only played for an hour. The vocal performance was a million times better than when I saw them on the Midian tour. Unfortunately most of the songs they played were from albums I don't own. They did play a couple things from Dusk... and Her Embrace and The Principle of Evil Made Flesh. "Her Ghost in the Fog" was the only song I really knew, though.

Oh and some guy got knocked out cold in the pit. EMTs took him away. And this chick went crowdsurfing about 300 times. There were several people there who looked like they were lost. And there were of course those people who dress like idiots and wear makeup. Hehehe.