We Should Have More States

We haven't admitted a new state into the Union since 1959! We were on a roll since the late 1700s. By the 20th century we got lazy (which is a trend for Americans it seems) and barely added any more states for quite a while. I say we should pick up the pace of the 1800s again so we can have 100 states by 2100, damnit! But first we need to make up for lost time. Dividing Texas into 8 states (none of which may be named Texas) and adding DC and Puerto Rico would be a good start.

Solution to Arizona's New Racist Law

As I'm sure you've heard by now, Arizona passed a law requiring all brown people to show their papers on demand to prove they're in the country legally. And people are pissed!

I'm also sure you've heard people say this is the kind of stuff they did in Nazi Germany, which is true.

Well, I have a perfect and elegant solution: Give Arizona back to Mexico and force all white people to show their papers to prove they are in fact Mexican citizens. (Please note that this differs from my plan of giving all of the southwest back to Mexico, which I will get into another day.)

Let's hope they get rid of this racist law soon. Then again, I don't exactly have much faith in the Supreme Court as of late....

Heavener Stone

Now that we've established that the Kensington Runestone is authentic, let's most on to some other Runestones found in the USA:

The Heavener Runestone was found in Oklahoma. Other runestones were said to have existed there but were destroyed in the 1930s and 1940s. It's far less interesting than the Kensington stone. This stone reads: "GNOMEDAL" (Gnome Valley). Or "G. Nomedal." Or "GLOME DAL" (Glome Valley). Or it could be a cryptogram for "November 11, 1012." Yeah, no one's very sure.

Either way, it is a local tourist attraction and a state park was built around the area.

Pennies

Pennies cost more than 1¢ each to produce since zinc prices have been rising. There are several groups out there trying to do away with the penny.

When the penny was introduced in 1793, it was worth what is now 22¢. From 1793-1857, there was also a half-cent piece. It was worth what is now 10¢ when it was discontinued. (Equivalency to today's money calculated on this site.)

So basically back in the late 1700s, the smallest coin you had was essentially a dime. Frankly I wouldn't mind not having pennies anymore, or at least seeing them much less. But then what would I throw at people when they snore through movies? Nickels would indeed hurt more.

From a retail standpoint, perhaps discontinuing the penny will also boost the usage of dollar coins, since most cash registers in the US are already designed for 4 types of coins. Then we can bring back to $2 bill with the space once populated by $1 bills! Then it will finally be the future!

...Oh yeah and nickels also cost more than their face value to make. Just thought I'd throw that in there.

The Maine Penny

The Maine Penny is a Norwegian Silver Penny dating from between 1065-1080 CE. It was found in 1957 in the remains of an old Indian settlement at Naskeag Point, Brooklin, Maine. As it was the only Norse artifact found at the site, it is unlikely Vikings brought it there themselves. More likely, it was worn as a pendant (some accounts state there was a perforation in the penny) or it was traded from a Viking settlement in Newfoundland and eventually made its way south. An Eskimo tool was also found at the site and could have also arrived via trade.

The Kensington Runestone

The Kensington Runestone is a slab of sandstone with a runic inscription on it. It was found in 1898. The inscription:

8 Geats and 22 Norwegians on [??] acquisition expedition from Vinland far west. We had traps by 2 shelters one day's travel to the north from this stone. We were fishing one day. After we came home, found 10 men red with blood and dead. AVM [Ave Maria] Deliver from evils.

[I] have 10 men at the inland sea to look after our ship 14 days travel from this wealth/property. Year [of our Lord] 1362

The Geats were from what is now southern Sweden. They found some dead dudes and were totally spooked. Oh yeah and Vinland is the Norse name for North America. And the runestone says it was written in 1362. Oh yeah and the runestone was found in Kensington, Minnesota!!

So basically, Vikings made it to Minnesota before Columbus was even born!!

Unfortunately, it's possible it's a hoax. The only witnesses to the unearthing were the family of Olof Öhman when he found it on his land, tangled in the roots of a tree. However, later witnesses say the roots did appear flattened, as if a 200 lb stone had been lying on them.

Linguists both in America and Scandinavia have declared it to be a fraud. Reasons included creation of a "J" rune, the language being a more modern form of Swedish, the lack of cases (accusative, dative, genitive, nominative, present in Old Norse and modern German), the use of umlauts, and the use of numerals.

However, Richard Nielsen, an amateur linguist, has refuted all of the above citing other 14th century examples.

Further, there was no evidence Öhman ever tried to make money from the stone. Tales of his admission of forgery were started by a jealous peer.

In 2000, a physical analysis of the stone was done. Scott Wolter, a geologist, and Barry Hanson, a chemist, presented "indisputable evidence" that the runes were authentic. They showed that the in-ground weathering process took a minimum of about 200 years. Therefore the carvings were made significantly before 1898. It is unclear how long the carvings were exposed to the air before going underground for 200 years. My guess would be about 350 years.

To come: other runestones in the US.

Bush & Obama

I was impressed when former president Bush demonstrated his cat-like reflexes (18 seconds in):


But Barack Obama is a motherfucking NINJA: