Weird Forks

There are too many damn forks out there.

Asparagus Fork

Beef fork

Berry fork

Carving fork

Cheese fork

Chip fork

Cocktail fork

Cold meat fork

Crab fork

Dessert fork (alternatively, pudding fork/cake fork in Great Britain)

Dinner fork

Fish fork

Fondue fork

Fruit salad fork

Ice cream fork

Lobster fork

Lunch fork

Meat fork

Obvious pun fork

Olive fork

Oyster/Shrimp fork

Pastry fork

Pickle fork

Pie fork

Pitchfork

Relish fork

Salad fork

Seafood fork

Spork

Tea fork

Toasting fork

Asshole fork

Battery Packaging

What's wrong with battery companies? Every battery package's cardboard backing has a pull tab and perforated tear lines so that in theory you have access to every battery you just bought. But 100% of the time when you attempt to open the package, this happens:

Why? Because the battery companies secretly hate you. They build up false hope and revel in your disappointment and frustration.

Don't let them win. Rip the batteries out any way other than the "Open here" tab and foil their evil plan.

Keebler Shat on My Childhood Dreams

It's a well-known fact that the butter-cookie-exterior-and-chocolate-fudge-interior E. L. Fudge cookies are Mankind's Greatest Achievement. Everything about them is perfect, right down to the consistency of both the cookie and the fudge creme, as well as the relative stickiness of the creme. The cookies are such a work of art that it is very easy to separate the top half of the cookie, remove the fudge creme, and make your own de facto double stuf-style cookie. Or as I call it, valhalla.

One day, the folks at Keebler (a subsidiary of Kellogg's) got a wild hair up their collective ass, and clearly in a fit of jealousy against Nabisco's Oreos (a subsidiary of Kraft), decided to steal the idea of Double Stuf-ing E. L. Fudges. If you told 10-year-old me that one day I would be eating double stuf E. L. Fudges, I would have kicked you in the shins for making up impossible shit that's too good to be true.

Now, it works on Oreos because here's the Double Stuf recipe (SPOILER ALERT!): Same cookie, twice the Stuf. Somehow, Keebler couldn't crack this code. Right off the bat, you can tell Keebler fucked it up. Behold:

That's not some forced perspective shit I'm pulling here. The original cookie (left) is far larger than the double stuf (right). And the double stuf (or DS, as I shall type it henceforce -- same initials as dog shit) cookie part is the wrong color. Perhaps the extra stuf in the DS will make up for it.

Why is the stuf on the DS so shiny? Why was it deposited onto the cookie differently? One taste and all is revealed: the new stuf tastes like someone took a waxy shit in my mouth. And there's not way on Odin's Midgård that there is twice the stuf on the DS than on the original. The cookie is ruined, too. It tastes a cheap knock-off Vienna Finger. It's dry, it crumbles all over the place, and doesn't taste good on its own. (Real Vienna Fingers are fine, but not when you're trying to eat a goddamned E. L. Fudge.) This cookie doesn't even taste good if you eat both the cookie and stuf together. More like double fail.

Keebler, please change the name of these cookies to "Not E. L. Fudge and Not Double Stuf: Smaller, Crumbier, Shittier"

Keebler needs to get this abomination off the market. And if they even think of fucking with the regular E. L. Fudge recipes, 10-year-old me is going to come kick the shit out of them.

Please note that "Stuf" is only capitalized when referring to Oreo-related Stuf. The E. L. Fudge double stuf stuf is not delicious and therefore does not deserve the capital letter.

The Bargain Channel

Hey, I've got a great idea! Groupon... on the radio!

Someone actually said that at some point. And now, in Jacksonville, FL, 92.1 FM is The Bargain Channel. They basically took a bunch of no-talent, hack DJs and have them sell coupons on the air. The coupons are usually something like $75 off Al's Stump Removal. You call up the request line and buy the coupon for something like $10. The radio station makes $10 and Al honors the coupon.

I stumbled upon the station last night since I forgot my AUX cable for my MP3 player. The DJ on at the time reminded me of O'Dell from the Cutlery Corner infomercials I used to watch late at night in college. You know, this show.

Now the DJ isn't there alone. There is always a sidekick type person helping move the show along. This other person, for some reason, has dialed in. That's right, they have one guy on a microphone and one guy on the telephone hosting the show. It makes no sense.

The hypnotizing thing about the radio station is listening to these terrible DJs attempt to entice you into buying whatever deal they have at the moment. This morning, they were selling a coupon for Beachside Seafood in Jacksonville Beach. (Quick aside: This station is on 24/7 with the same programming the entire time. Seriously.) I've been to Beachside Seafood. In fact, here's my poorly written review on the place. I wouldn't go back even if I did pay $3 to get $10 off my entire order.

But I digress. Since the DJ didn't have many callers, he started to read the menu from Beachside Seafood (which, by the way isn't on the beach, as he repeatedly claimed). It went something like this: "Aw check it out, they got um, they got snow crab clusters and uh snow crab legs, and let's see dungeness crab, and yeah look it, uh, that crawfish platter, and mm yeah they got uh, they got uh, beer battered cheesesticks and corn nuggets, and fried pickle chips. I love those." It's like listening to a trainwreck.

The good news is that they have a Ustream channel. Unfortunately they haven't touched it in two years, but you can hear an old broadcast here.

A Letter to Clingfilm

Dear Clingfilm,

I hate you. No, I loathe you. You are a jerk. First of all, your damn serrated edge gets me every time. Why can't you be more like your cousin, the aluminum foil? He at least keeps his serrated edge tucked in until you need it. But no, you're so lazy and poorly designed I nick my thumb every time I want a trashbag.

When I do use you, it's begrudgingly. If it weren't for your friend the microwave, I would never use you.

And why do you feel the need to stick to yourself after I tear off a piece? You're not making things any easier for either of us.

If it were my way, I wouldn't even have you in the same drawer with useful things like foil and tashbags. You'd be somewhere inaccessible so that I can forget I even own you.

You sicken me. Go to hell.

Sincerely,
Timmortal

The Truth About the Salvation Army

Note: I'm not (just) writing this because those damn incessant bell ringers make me violent.

The Salvation Army is a right-wing evangelical Christian organization that actively discriminates against homosexuals. During the Bush administration they were trying to get the White House to issue a regulation that would allow them to be exempt from any local antidiscrimination laws so they wouldn't have to hire any gay people. Gay people who just want to help the less forunate. When people found out about this and complained, the White House immediately changed their minds.

They could almost make the point that because it's more or less a "church" (Where are their churches exactly?) the Civil Rights Act of 1964 allows them to discriminate due to their religious beliefs when hiring people. But these aren't people answering phones at some backwoods hate-filled funeral-protesting church. The Salvation Army is a highly visible, worldwide charitable organization whose churchiness is nowhere near the level of their charity.

The Salvation Army cares so much more about hating homosexuals than helping the poor that when New York City proposed a law that would require any organizations doing business with the city to provide equal benefits to unmarried domestic partners, the Salvation Army threatened to close all soup kitchens in New York City. I guess they think in god's eyes, it's more important what you're putting into your ass than whether you have anything to put into your mouth.

Fuck the Salvation Army.

Holiday Simpsons Episodes

If Fox ever makes a calendar, I won't buy it. Judging by the dates they air Simpsons episodes, their calendars are all kinds of wrong. Observe the table below:

Holiday	Date of Holiday	Associated Simpsons Holiday Episode	Date Aired	Days from nearest Sunday to Holiday
Halloween	Sun Oct 31, 2010	Treehouse of Horror XXI	Sun Nov 7, 2010	7 days earlier
Xmas	Sat Dec 25, 2010	The Fight Before Christmas	Sun Dec 5, 2010	21 days later
New Year's Day	Sat Jan 1, 2011	Donnie Fatso	Sun Dec 12, 2010	21 days later

The first Simpsons episode ever ("Simpsons Roasting On an Open Fire") was an Xmas episode. It aired 8 days before Xmas 1989.

The first Treehouse of Horror was aired 6 days before Halloween 1991. Airing the Halloween episode 7 days late I could understand if Halloween hadn't fallen on a Sunday (regular air day for The Simpsons) this year! In fact, the Treehouse of Horror episodes have been showing after Halloween for years now! It has to stop.

Furthermore, it's mind-blowing that the Xmas and New Year's episodes are on  3 full weeks before the holiday.

Get your act together, Fox, and stop ruining The Simpsons.

22th Floor

Which Way is Up?

This gets more confusing: I was on the top level of the building!

Update: Smart T-Shirt is Stupid & Impossible

Previously...

I didn't notice the divide by zero, so even if you assume commutativity, STUDY still doesn't equal FAIL.

Dairy Meat

I was at a Target recently in Maine only to discover that they have an odd definition of "dairy".

Quick Aside: I Can't Read

If you can't read, how will you know where to click?

What Should I Do Here Exactly?

Ah, Royal Farms. You never start to amaze me.

Something's Not Right Here

The Same Fail Fails 3 Times, the Same Way

This angers me to no end. Whoever is making these obviously puts a significant amount of effort into making these fake Facebook update things, but has neglected to change the one specific mistake that irks me. I get madder every time I see these and this moron hasn't fixed it when he makes a new one. See if you can figure it out before I rant about it down below.

THE DAMN TIMESTAMPS ON THE COMMENTS ARE WRONG!!!!

The Titanic hit the iceberg 98 years ago but all the comments are in the last 2 hours?!

Galileo hypothesised 400 years ago but all the comments are in the last hour?!?1

The Asteroid hit the Earth 65 million years ago and the T-Rex only cared 35 MINUTES AGO?!?!? AHGHGGAHGAHGHGHGH!

>:(

Unsweeted Sweet Tea?

Popeye's has "Cane Sweeeet" Iced Tea. But it comes in sweet and unsweet. It's not "Cane Sweeeet" then, is it?

Outlook's Spellcheck

My Outlook suggested "spa" as the correct spelling of "μPa" -- micro Pascals, a unit of pressure. Did it think I accidentally hit the μ key?

For "1pm" it suggested "Pam." This one baffles me even more. Am I just hitting keys that look vaguely like the letters I want?

I can't tell what's stupider: Outlook's spell check, or how stupid my Outlook thinks I am.