Keebler Shat on My Childhood Dreams

It's a well-known fact that the butter-cookie-exterior-and-chocolate-fudge-interior E. L. Fudge cookies are Mankind's Greatest Achievement. Everything about them is perfect, right down to the consistency of both the cookie and the fudge creme, as well as the relative stickiness of the creme. The cookies are such a work of art that it is very easy to separate the top half of the cookie, remove the fudge creme, and make your own de facto double stuf-style cookie. Or as I call it, valhalla.

One day, the folks at Keebler (a subsidiary of Kellogg's) got a wild hair up their collective ass, and clearly in a fit of jealousy against Nabisco's Oreos (a subsidiary of Kraft), decided to steal the idea of Double Stuf-ing E. L. Fudges. If you told 10-year-old me that one day I would be eating double stuf E. L. Fudges, I would have kicked you in the shins for making up impossible shit that's too good to be true.

Now, it works on Oreos because here's the Double Stuf recipe (SPOILER ALERT!): Same cookie, twice the Stuf. Somehow, Keebler couldn't crack this code. Right off the bat, you can tell Keebler fucked it up. Behold:

That's not some forced perspective shit I'm pulling here. The original cookie (left) is far larger than the double stuf (right). And the double stuf (or DS, as I shall type it henceforce -- same initials as dog shit) cookie part is the wrong color. Perhaps the extra stuf in the DS will make up for it.

Why is the stuf on the DS so shiny? Why was it deposited onto the cookie differently? One taste and all is revealed: the new stuf tastes like someone took a waxy shit in my mouth. And there's not way on Odin's Midgård that there is twice the stuf on the DS than on the original. The cookie is ruined, too. It tastes a cheap knock-off Vienna Finger. It's dry, it crumbles all over the place, and doesn't taste good on its own. (Real Vienna Fingers are fine, but not when you're trying to eat a goddamned E. L. Fudge.) This cookie doesn't even taste good if you eat both the cookie and stuf together. More like double fail.

Keebler, please change the name of these cookies to "Not E. L. Fudge and Not Double Stuf: Smaller, Crumbier, Shittier"

Keebler needs to get this abomination off the market. And if they even think of fucking with the regular E. L. Fudge recipes, 10-year-old me is going to come kick the shit out of them.

Please note that "Stuf" is only capitalized when referring to Oreo-related Stuf. The E. L. Fudge double stuf stuf is not delicious and therefore does not deserve the capital letter.