Kissing Under the Mistletoe Is A Norse Tradition

Much like Santa himself, reindeer, Xmas trees, wreaths, and more, kissing under the mistletoe is yet another Xmas tradition that predates christianity. Therefore, I highly advocate it at Xmastime.

Baldr, the Norse god of light, beauty, love, and happiness, was the second son of Odin. He often had prophetic dreams, including one where he dreamt his own death. His mother, Frygg, made every object on earth vow not to hurt Baldr. However, mistletoe never took the vow, as Frygg thought it was too unthreatening to hurt Baldr. So of course, the gods had a new pasttime: throwing things at Baldr since nothing can harm him. Naturally, Loki, the asshole of the gods, made a spear of mistletoe and went to the chuck-things-at-Baldr party. He gave the mistletoe spear to Baldr's blind brother, Hodur, who threw it at Baldr and killed him.

Then a bunch of fire happened, but that's not important here.

Frygg pleaded to the goddess of the underworld, Hel, to let Baldr return to earth. Hel agreed on the condition that all objects alive and dead wept for him. And everything did, except for the giantess Þökk (actually Loki in disguise). So of course the gods hunted Loki down, tied him to three rocks, and put a serpent above his face to drip venom onto him.

Anyway, Frygg was so happy that Baldr was revived, that she commanded anyone standing under mistletoe to kiss as a reminder of how love conquered death.

So there you have it.

Festivus

I hope everyone is having an adequate Festivus!

The Truth About the Salvation Army

Note: I'm not (just) writing this because those damn incessant bell ringers make me violent.

The Salvation Army is a right-wing evangelical Christian organization that actively discriminates against homosexuals. During the Bush administration they were trying to get the White House to issue a regulation that would allow them to be exempt from any local antidiscrimination laws so they wouldn't have to hire any gay people. Gay people who just want to help the less forunate. When people found out about this and complained, the White House immediately changed their minds.

They could almost make the point that because it's more or less a "church" (Where are their churches exactly?) the Civil Rights Act of 1964 allows them to discriminate due to their religious beliefs when hiring people. But these aren't people answering phones at some backwoods hate-filled funeral-protesting church. The Salvation Army is a highly visible, worldwide charitable organization whose churchiness is nowhere near the level of their charity.

The Salvation Army cares so much more about hating homosexuals than helping the poor that when New York City proposed a law that would require any organizations doing business with the city to provide equal benefits to unmarried domestic partners, the Salvation Army threatened to close all soup kitchens in New York City. I guess they think in god's eyes, it's more important what you're putting into your ass than whether you have anything to put into your mouth.

Fuck the Salvation Army.

Santa Steals Children

The True Story of Santa

Xmas Creep in Garfield

First, I will acknowledge that I'm perhaps one of the few people left who actually still reads Garfield.

Anyway the strip on Halloween ends with Xmas Creep! That's horrible! There are two places mentioning Xmas in October* is okay: craft stores and my house. In craft stores, you're selling things to people who need months to complete a project so it's fine to start those early. As for my house, I have Death Metal Xmas albums to make. To get it done on time, it's best to start in August. (I didn't start until October this year, so I'm already behind.)

Those are the two exceptions. Now let's not talk about Xmas again until December? Okay? Okay.

*This post is in November, so it's okay.

Hamburger James & Elvis

Don & Mike used to read the Hamburger James story every Xmas. Actually, Don would read it to Charly Stuang Stabilac. I found a version of the text. It's not as great reading it as it is to hear Don tell it, but here it is anyway.

Elvis' case of drugs he could carry with him was referred to as his "kit". And famously, once, the guy whose job it was to get Elvis hamburgers, Hamburger James, stole Elvis' kit. When Elvis found out, he was furious and tracked Hamburger James down at the airport. Hamburger James's plane was pulling out, and Elvis exclaimed "Stop that plane, I'm an FBI agent!" He flashed a badge famously given him by none other than Richard Nixon. So they stopped, and Elvis caught poor ole Hamburger James. No one in the entourage knew what Elvis would do. They knew he had a gun. He said he was going to kill him. This could be the end, the absolute end. Elvis raised a table, as if to smash him James with it, but then, as if coming to his senses, he set it down and hugged him. "If you needed something, all you had to do was ask...."

Now for some bonus Elvis Facts (also typically read by D&M):

• He liked to fill his swimming pool with lightbulbs and shoot them.
• He would shoot his TV screen whenever Robert Goulet would come on.
• He liked to climax in a woman's hair.
• He liked to use baby talk: he called feet "sooties" and ice cream "iddy-tream".
• Members of his Memphis Mafia would fill his pills with sugar, in an attempt to get him unaddicted.
• He would carve bit of flesh out of his feet, saying "I oughta get some good stuff for this."
• At the time of his death, his colon weighed around 30lbs.
• Doctors had to smash out Elvis's teeth in order to force a breathing tube down his throat.
• A young Elvis once saw his aunt dancing on a table, an exclaimed "Oh my peter!"

Happy Crimble!