Hamburger James & Elvis

Don & Mike used to read the Hamburger James story every Xmas. Actually, Don would read it to Charly Stuang Stabilac. I found a version of the text. It's not as great reading it as it is to hear Don tell it, but here it is anyway.

Elvis' case of drugs he could carry with him was referred to as his "kit". And famously, once, the guy whose job it was to get Elvis hamburgers, Hamburger James, stole Elvis' kit. When Elvis found out, he was furious and tracked Hamburger James down at the airport. Hamburger James's plane was pulling out, and Elvis exclaimed "Stop that plane, I'm an FBI agent!" He flashed a badge famously given him by none other than Richard Nixon. So they stopped, and Elvis caught poor ole Hamburger James. No one in the entourage knew what Elvis would do. They knew he had a gun. He said he was going to kill him. This could be the end, the absolute end. Elvis raised a table, as if to smash him James with it, but then, as if coming to his senses, he set it down and hugged him. "If you needed something, all you had to do was ask...."

Now for some bonus Elvis Facts (also typically read by D&M):

• He liked to fill his swimming pool with lightbulbs and shoot them.
• He would shoot his TV screen whenever Robert Goulet would come on.
• He liked to climax in a woman's hair.
• He liked to use baby talk: he called feet "sooties" and ice cream "iddy-tream".
• Members of his Memphis Mafia would fill his pills with sugar, in an attempt to get him unaddicted.
• He would carve bit of flesh out of his feet, saying "I oughta get some good stuff for this."
• At the time of his death, his colon weighed around 30lbs.
• Doctors had to smash out Elvis's teeth in order to force a breathing tube down his throat.
• A young Elvis once saw his aunt dancing on a table, an exclaimed "Oh my peter!"

Happy Crimble!