Why I *Really* Quit Division

My relatively brief time in Division is coming to an end on Saturday, although it felt like an eternity. Don't listen to whatever Division posted on their website or their Facebook page about why I left the band. I had my reasons. Four of them, in fact. And here they are:

4. James Goetz.

I don't know what the hell is wrong with this guy. An orange drumkit? That's not metal (unless you're October 31). It looks like he's playing a bunch of safety cones. Has anyone noticed he listens to an iPod during Division's live shows? There's a reason. He actually hates all Division songs and blasts songs he considers to be good (mostly new Dimmu Borgir and some Nile) during the shows.

James's cymbals usually have cracks in them. This is not because he is an intense dummer. No, it's because James sucks so bad, the cymbals are trying to commit suicide. James also has a problem with dropping sticks. They'll do anything to get away from his terrible drumming.

3. Nick Kelly.

It's a little-known fact that Nick Kelly became a frontman for the sole reason of showing off his obscure hockey jersey collection. Now you know why he can't sing. Instead of buying lessons, he for some reason bought a Calgary Hitmen jersey.

I have a long-standing rule never to trust anyone with two first names. Nick Kelly is a perfect example why. This guy plays bass in Just Wanna Play, a terrible cover band formed by a bunch of terrible musicians (see numbers 3, 2, and 1 in this list). Nick is a fantastic bass player, but he refuses to play in Division so he can openly mock whoever is their current bassist. He does this because he's that much of a dick.

Also, that's why he's leaving the band, too. Because he's a dick.

2. Dave Evans.

I thought munchkins were supposed to be nice. They're not. He will not discuss the location of his pot of gold, nor will he ever answer the question "How's the weather down there?" It's awkward trying to stand next to him onstage because of the constant fear that I will trip over him.

Dave loves Mesa amplifiers to an unhealthy degree. He has repeatedly confessed that if Mesa was a dude, he would repeatedly perform "that special favor". I'm sure he has attempted to on his amp, which would explain the stains all over the back of it. It's true that Mesa amps can sound great, but not when Dave is playing through them. You can only polish a turd so much.

Dave thinks he's singing backup vocals, too, but immediately after every sound check, we have his mic muted. It's true. Not that one more terrible, off-key singer will ruin the already-terrible singing. They just gave him a mic to make him feel important. He's not.

1. Mike Blevins.

"Mike" is actually short for "Methuselah". I know. I've seen his Arizona drivers license. Why Arizona? Because they don't expire for 50 years. He's only had to renew it twice. When Mike forgets to take his medication, he tends to forget what part of the song we're playing. One time, he played the opening riff for "Hunt" 78 times. He only stopped when he fell asleep.

Speaking of riffs, Mike is a human riff encyclopedia. Name any song since the Dark Ages (when Mike first learned guitar) and not only will he play it for you, but he will talk your ear off with a boring pointless story about how he met Bill Haley once. With such a wealth of musical knowledge, it's amazing that he can't come up with a single decent riff for Division to play. Have you heard Control Issues? Eugh.

I'm glad to be out of that band. I can now focus on Burning Shadows, whose biggest problems are the alcoholism and pervasive unwillingness to put forth any effort whatsoever. So really it's not that much different from Division.

For reals, though, I'll miss playing with these guys. I had some great times and believe I have become a better musician because of my time with Division. Keep it true, guys.