Forget The Oceans Boiling! We Will All Freeze To Death!!

Using science, I have determined that we will not live to see the oceans boil off on February 6, 2010 because ALL MOLECULAR MOTION WILL STOP SOMETIME IN THE MORNING OF JANUARY 25, 2010!!!!

As you can see from my scientific graph, using current temperature trends of a local area over a short amount of time, it is clear that the planet is rapidly cooling off! By late January, we will reach absolute zero, and continue to plummet below it, thus stopping all molecular motion worldwide! Since I and all the news outlets have determined that this is a scientifically sound method, my conclusions are quite valid!

Okay, okay you get the idea!


Please, you people, don't let the random "scientific" article of the day distract you from the fact that global climate change is real and we must do something about it, despite what Fox News says. And let's not forget that the media is trying to hard to not be labeled "liberal" that they will post an opposing viewpoint, no matter how scientifically unsound it is.

WON'T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE GLACIERS?!?!

THE OCEANS WILL BOIL OFF IN THREE WEEKS!

If there's anything reading the news has taught me, it's that you can create a news story regarding global warming without consulting experts to prove any point you like! Further you can use local data sets collected over a short amount of time to make your point and as long as you throw in the word scientists and leave out the phrase peer-reviewed journal.

So, after extensive research, scientists such as myself have come to the startling revelation that THE OCEANS WILL BEGIN TO BOIL OFF ON FEBRUARY 6, 2010!

Just look at this scientific graph:

I collected my data from NOAA's 3-day forecast. I noticed an alarming warming trend! Since this will continue, the oceans will begin to boil on Saturday, February 6, 2010!

EVERYBODY PANIC!

Snow? And It's Still Global Warming?

If you pretend this article is satire, it's amusing. Sadly, it doesn't appear to be so.

SNOW CHAOS: AND THEY STILL CLAIM IT'S GLOBAL WARMING

This article has no data to back up its claims and frightening-sounding numbers that aren't compared to any averages. This is the epitome of poor journalism, poor science, and poor thinking.

How can I put this more simply?

Weather ≠ Climate

Metro Once Again Tries To Kill Humans

Article: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/01/06/AR2010010605157.html?hpid=topnews

The inspectors "experienced a near-miss situation" and "were forced to quickly scramble out of the way to avoid being struck," according to a report released late Wednesday by the Tri-State Oversight Committee, which monitors safety at Metro. No one was injured.

The Dec. 10 incident came just days after Metro lifted a six-month ban on monitors accessing live subway tracks.

My theory: the people who oversee Metro are clearly just trying to feed Metro just enough human souls to keep it happy. I've repeatedly shown you that Metro is attempting to destroy humanity. I think now we're just at the stage where we have to make occaisional human sacrifices for the greater good.

Canadian New Year's Trip

Day 1: Driving & Niagara Falls

Basically nothing eventful happened on the drive up. When we got to Niagara Falls, NY, we found a snow park thing. It had tubing, "ice" skating, and mini golf.

The snow park's mini golf was awful. However, it inspired us to invent speed mini golf. Whoever gets the ball(s) in the hole gets the point. Futhermore, you play with twice as many balls as players. So, there is obviously a fair amount of strategy/cheating involved.

The "ice" rink was actually not ice at all. It was a plastic resin developed my Mitsubishi, which makes for an extremely lame iceless skating rink. It's just like a real ice rink, only not fun whatsoever. You still wear ice skates on it, but you can't get going very fast and the seams in the panels can pretty much catch your skate and kill you.

The tubing was amazing. It was basically just like one of those long slides, only it was covered in ice. There was a "carpet-style" conveyor belt up to the top, so no climbing was involved.

We got to Niagara Falls, ON after sunset. We went to the Clifton Hill area, which is where all the touristy things are. Basically it's like Canada vomited on itself and put up lots of shiny, blinky lights to keep the Americans out of the real Canada. It was pretty atrocious. We had some Boston Pizza then walked down to the falls.

Now, everyone knows that the American Falls suck and the Canadian falls (Horseshoe Falls) are amazingly spectacular. The one nice thing about the American falls is that since they aren't huge and gigantic, there's no mist, so they can light them all neat-like. (They do this with the Canadian falls too but you can't really see it.)

Day 2: Niagara Falls & Toronto

We went to see Horseshoe Falls. They were pretty neat, only there were too damn many tourists. It was nearly impossible to see all of the falls because of the mist.

After a lunch of Mr. Sub, we went to an indoor aviary/reptile thing.

Then we went to the Whirlpool, which would've been cooler if the cable car that goes over it were operating.

Once in Toronto, we went to Dundas Square then ate at a pub called Elephant & Castle. I got a roast beef stuffed Yorkshire pudding. Then we briefly went to the CityTV New Year's Eve Party thing at Nathan Phillips Square next to City Hall. There were some crappy bands and outdoor skating there. It was lame so we went back to the hotel and watched the Corner Gas marathon on the Comedy Network, then watched the Toronto countdown.

Day 3: More Toronto

After a breakfast from Tim Horton's, we went to High Park, where there is a small zoo. There were llamas, yaks, bison, deer, goats, and too many kids. After that we went ice skating at the outdoor ice rink in the park.

Pretty much everything was closed, including Canadian Tire and the grocery stores.

We tried to go to Smoke's Poutinerie for dinner, but it was closed. Eventually, we decided to hit the Fox & Fiddle (or was it Fiddle & Fox) for dinner. Afterward, we went up the CN Tower. There, I discovered my camera lets me control a lot more things that I thought it did. We spent quite a while up there and learned some interesting facts about the CN Tower. For example, the tower is hollow in the middle, so it was used for the world's longest egg drop! Awesome.

Day 4: Even More Toronto & Binghamton, NY

In the morning we went to all the places that we had been meaning to get to, but were closed. I bought some hockey stuff at Canadian Tire; I got some Pepsi with real sugar from Loblaws; I got some Mars bars.... Tim Horton's for breakfast and Mr. Sub for lunch were good ways to bid farewell to Canada.

We got to Binghamton and attempted to look for some nightlife or some goings on or anyone at all out on the streets. We were not the least bit impressed. Wegmans is about the only thing Binghamton has going for it.

There was still a bit of evening left, so we headed up to Syracuse to see what a real NY State city should be. And it was covered in snow, so I was happy.

Day 5: Driving Home

The drive back was windy and cold. It was fine until about Harrisburg, PA, where suddenly all the snow disappeared and everyone started driving like assholes.

Republicans