An Evening on Omegle Part 7

Last Saturday I spent some time on Omegle, which allows you to anonymously chat with strangers. Here is one of the real conversations I had:

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: HAII YOU CAN BE MY NEW BEST FRIEND IF YOU CAN PROVE YOUR COOL

You: Wow, that might be one of the only times misspelling "you're" actually still works.

You: "Your cool" as in "my cool," which is a thing I have to prove.

You: Saying "I must prove my cool" is still a coherent sentence!

Stranger: True. You are a Smarticle.

You: "Smarticle" is pretty clever.

Stranger: If a quiz is a quizicale, then what is a test?

You: Interesting how you can be so clever yet make such an easily avoidable mistake (your/you're).

You: I'm not sure I understand the premise.

You: What is a quizicale? It sounds Central American, especially if you pronounce the final e.

You: Was he an Incan king or something?

Stranger: if a quiz is a quizICLE then what a test?

Stranger: I thought you were smart?

You: Like an icicle?

Stranger: TESTICLE dumbass

You: Is that some Greek guy?

Stranger: Imma kill you.

You: (pronounce it like so: tes-ti-clay)

You: Who is Imma?

Stranger: It's called slang, bitch.

You: What is called slang? I'm confused by your pronoun.

Stranger: You should go die in a hole.

You: Well, most people die and then enter a hole (i.e. a grave). Would that suffice?

You: Furthermore, we all should die. Imagine the overpopulation!

You: So I believe you, sir/ma'am, should also die at some point. Whether you want to be in a hole afterwards is your perogative.

Stranger: True.

You: Thank you for your wise words!

Stranger: Nadda problem, dawg.

Stranger: Yknow, I'm such a cool kid.

You: What is your metric for determining this?

Stranger: It's obvious, don't you think?

You: If it were obvious, I wouldn't have to ask you your coolness metric, would I?

Stranger: Well, you are retarded, and it is obvious, so everyone who understands coolness knows how cool I am.

You: What makes you think I am retarded?

Stranger: You seem retarded. Do you think you are smart?

You: I'm not the one confusing "your" with "you're," even if it was a happy accident on your part that it worked out fine.

You: Well, define "smart."

Stranger: Fine. If you are so smart, what came first, the chicken or the egg?

You: A 5 year old child who can read the newspaper would be considered smart, even though it is a rather common practice for millions of people.

You: Easy: the egg. I don't eat chicken until at least lunch.

Stranger: Who do you figure the egg came first? How was the egg made if there was no chicken before it?

Stranger: *How

You: Well there are plenty of egg-laying animals aside from chickens.

You: Your attempt at presenting me with a paradox to somehow prove my retardedness does not impress me.

Stranger: Your face does not impress me.

You: Nor should it impress you.

You: For you cannot see it.

Stranger: How old are you? Like 58?

You: Where did you come up with that number?

You: Is it random, or is it based on some sort of observation?

Stranger: You seem like a lonely old man who has nothing better to do than go on Omegle.

You: Ah, but aren't you yourself participating in the same activity?

You: To quote the great philosopher Robb Spewak, "I am as God made me, sir."

Stranger: Yeah, but I'm young.

Stranger: Therefore that means I can afford to waste some of my time on here.

You: We still haven't established my true age.

Stranger: Then, what is it?

You: Let me ask you this:

You: If life does indeed begin at conception, when why do we calculate our age using our birthdays?

Stranger: Why not?

You: Because if you define "age" as the time one is alive, then life begins at birth. Therefore, any claim that life begins at conception would be false.

You: I suggest you bring this up if you ever find yourself in a Catholic church.

Stranger: Huh. And why does this matter to anyone?

You: Ah, it should concern you, young man.

You: (Assuming you're a man.)

Stranger: I am a woman, you idiot.

You: Well, how exactly am I supposed to figure that out from your inane drivel?

Stranger: I am guessing you're a man? A pedophile who is 58?

You: Anyway, imagine you become pregnant. You are faced with the option of getting an abortion. You take it upon yourself to come to a well-reasoned, thought-out decision on whether or not to get said abortion. Suppose someone tells you that you shouldn't because life begins at conception. You cannot decide whether that is true until you consider what age is and how we determine it.

Stranger: Kay, so. I think you should shut up and get a life.

You: Now if you do decide that life begins at conception, decide abortion is murder and do not have the procedure done, then how old is your child when it is born?

You: It is 9 months old.

You: Q.E.D.

Stranger: STOP, you are really annoying.

You: I am not physically capable of getting a life. You, however, are.

You: A life within you.

You: As in a child.

Stranger: Fucking creepy...

You: I am simply stating a medical fact.

Stranger: Yeah. Bye.

Your conversational partner has disconnected.